MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

It’s like they’re all trying to put me out of business.

Luckily, there are a whole lot of other sports fans out there currently wallowing away and generally feeling like their guts are being ripped out. Such as:

-New York Mets fans: There hasn’t been a collapse of this magnitude in New York since….uhh…oh, I know: The Yankees in the 2004 playoffs. You know I’m struggling to avoid a horribly offensive joke if I’m invoking a positive memory for Red Sox fans. Anyway, too many guys got old too fast (Tom Glavine), or confirmed their declines (Paul DeLuca, Carlos Delgado), or, in the case of Jose Reyes, went to the Carlos Baerga school of “How to Go From Future Hall of Famer to Basically out of Baseball in Only Six Weeks.”

-Cincinnati Bengals fans (and I know, because Mrs. Misery is one): Losing to the Browns in a short week is bad enough (although you knew the Browns were going to at least show up having played like JV benchwarmers in the Pittsburgh game), but the Bengals’ defense can’t stop anybody right now. They’ve been killed by injuries (they have only two linebackers left), arrests (Odell Thurman is the only guy besides Michael Vick and Ricky Williams that can’t get re-instated into the NFL), and draft picks (as if they did not see Leon Hall get abused by Ohio State and USC last year). Marvin Lewis is two more consecutive losses from a gig on the NFL Network.

-Isaiah Thomas Fans: Has anyone ever had a worse post-playing career while still maintaining such a high public profile? Besides O.J.? Thomas bankrupted the CBA with his ineptitude, has managed the Knicks with all the skill of an Enron executive (and at least the boys at Enron were breaking the law), and now has basically cost MSG $11 million in sexual harassment. On the bright side, he did teach young African-Americans that it was OK to call African-American women “bitches,” which is more than Snoop Dogg ever did. I know. $11 million is less than what MSG paid Jalen Rose.

-San Diego Padres Fans: Jake Peavy and Trevor Hoffman both failed to do anything with the red-hot Colorado Rockies (although to be fair, Peavy gutted through a night when clearly his best stuff didn’t make it off the airplane). Their collapse has received little attention; they should send Willie Randolph a box of chocolates.

-San Diego Chargers Fans: Here’s an idea, Norv Turner, offensive genius who has never been a good head coach anywhere: you have this guy, Tomlinson. Yeah, he’s pretty good. Get him the ball. I guess all the residents of San Diego will just have to be happy with the fact that their city is beautiful, the weather is always awesome, and the Gas Lamp District is cooler than ice cold.

-New York Islanders Fans: Because, you know, not being able to read is hard on a fella. And because their team is going to suck.

-Women’s Soccer Fans: The United States lost in the World Cup and, even worse, had a player go “T.O.” on a fellow teammate. When your sport is fringe at best, you cannot afford to have the ego issues reserved only for the Big Three. Oh, and I’m sure the reincarnated WUSA or whatever the league is called will succeed this time.

-Florida Fans: Once again, the Gators were unable to defeat SEC rival Auburn in an early season showdown. Sure, the SEC is the best conference in college football from top to bottom (as any SEC fan will surely tell you repeatedly), but the Gators, who looked invincible whooping up on some stiffs (including Tennessee, a team that plays in….wait for it……the SEC), couldn’t put up points on an unranked team at home. Tim Tebow is human after all.

-National Hockey League Fans: Hey, did you know the regular season started over the weekend? Yeah, the Ducks and Kings played two games in London, England, where hockey ranks slightly ahead of American football on the sporting importance scale. Next year, Gary Bettman will have the league play its opening games in the middle of Darfur.

-Major League Soccer Fans: It’s October, and the playoffs have not even started yet! The MLS regular season lasts longer than your average presidential administration. (Actually, MLS fans can rejoice that the quality of play has improved and the league is expanding in 2009. This league will survive even though my generation spends more of its disposable income on video games than professional soccer).

-IRL Fans: If any more top stars from the Indy car series defect to NASCAR, there will be no one left to make sure Danica Patrick finishes no better than second.

-Los Angeles Lakers Fans: Look, we know Kobe Bryant is unhappy, but did he have to refer to himself as a “soldier?” Can’t he do better than “Kellen Winslow circa 2003?”

-Anaheim Angels fans: One game in, and the ALDS is over. The Angels have the weakest lineup of any postseason team; Vlad is hurt, Garret Anderson is mortal, and the rest of the guys have no pop. The Red Sox won’t have to break a sweat.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com