Last year I wrote up a big piece about the 50th Annual Grammy Awards. This year I am just not up to the effort. You're gonna get a quick and dirty wrap piece and you're gonna like it - which is more than I can say for anyone who actually sat through the 3 and a half hour ceremony.
Before I make with the list of winners I must make a few comments: first, who the hell thought it was a good idea to let Whitney Houston announce the first award of the night?!! The woman got a standing ovation, and she actually looked good there for a minute – until she opened her mouth that is. Her slurring ode to Clive Davis, a true "Vizshunary" made you pay attention to the way her eyes were actually half-closed (plastic surgery or Percoset, you be the judge).
Not getting any kind of standing ovation, thankfully, were the Jonas Brothers. These boys may be hot with all the kids today, but let me tell you they have the soul of an elderly redneck singing Slim Whitman tunes. I felt sorry for Stevie Wonder because he honestly could not see what a colossal mistake doing a duet with the Jonas Brothers really was.
In another Jonas blow, the boys had their "Best New Artist" trophy snagged by Adele. I like Adele, and in her acceptance speech she mentioned that she "really liked" the Jonas Brothers. We'll forgive her for that because she's young.
To cop a phrase from this weekend's big movie: I just wasn't that into the Grammys this year. Last year you had the triumphal train-wreck of Amy Winehouse. What did this year bring instead? The triumphal train-wreck of Katy Perry? No comparison – even though seeing Perry arrive onstage inside a giant banana was kind of hilarious.
Last year we were still in the midst of the television writer's strike in February. At the time, the Grammys seemed a suitable alternative to watching another "Law & Order" re-run. This year I watched the show, but I was painfully aware that I had better things to do… though truly it is hard to imagine something better than watching a scantily-clad, hugely pregnant woman rapping. Thank you MIA and thank you to whoever bought her that outfit. It was the evening's only real Winehouse-worthy moment.
As for the winners and losers, can I just say that I am sick of hearing Coldplay describe themselves as "limestone" instead of 'hard rock.' Only pansies apologize for winning, Martin – if the Grammy folk believe you are Rock, then who are you to cry "limestone"? And finally I have to give it up to Radiohead. Sure, Thome and the band didn't win Best Album for "In Rainbows" but they showed up with a friggin' marching band!! Is there anything that band can't make cooler?
Here is a partial list of winners, because we'd be here all night otherwise:
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
"Raising Sand" – Robert plant and Alison Krauss
FEMALE POP VOCAL
"Chasing pavement" – Adele
MALE POP VOCAL
"Say" – John Mayer
RECORD OF THE YEAR
"Please Read the Letter" – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
SOLO ROCK VOCAL
"Gravity" – John Mayer
"Girls in their Summer Clothes' – Springsteen
ROCK PERFORMANCE DUO OR GROUP
"Sex on Fire" – Kings of Leon
BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ABUM
"In Rainbows" – Radiohead
POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS
"Rich Woman" – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
BEST NEW ARTIST
BEST ROCK ALBUM
"Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends" – Coldplay
SONG OF THE YEAR
"Viva La Vida" – Coldplay
BEST FEMALE R&B PERFORMANCE
"Superwoman" – Alicia Keyes
BEST R&B ALBUM
"Jennifer Hudson" – Jennifer Hudson
BEST RAP ALBUM
"Tha Carter III" – Lil Wayne
BEST RAP SOLO PERFORMANCE
"A Milli" – Lil Wayne
BEST RAP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP"Swagga Like Us" – TI, Kanye, Jay-Z and Lil Wayne