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THE CLUBHOUSE MUSIC
Vivid DVD Review – KIM KARDASHIAN SUPERSTAR (the newest celebrity sex tape scandal)
4/18/2007
Posted by
Collider
     

Reviewed by Hunter M. Daniels

 

THE FLICK

 

Porno has its place. I am a sex positive (male) feminist and so I see no particular reason why a woman and a man can’t decide of their own volition to have sex, on camera, for any reason, including money.

 

Porn is acceptable if for no other reason than the first amendment. Speech is speech. There is no difference between Christian broadcasting, Snoop Dogg and Rush Limbaugh. Speech is speech and the content of that speech (short of slander, libel, and hate speech designed specifically to insight violence against a person or group as well as video of crimes, like bestiality and child pornography) is immaterial to any argument you might have. Yeah, it’s demeaning towards women (and just as demeaning towards men) but to limit an artist’s pallet or to limit what is acceptable to discuss is illegal, illogical and what’s more, it’s immoral.

 

I also have no problem with the sex tape. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are more vastly renowned today because of their escapades all those years ago. Paris Hilton too is a celebrity because of her night-shot antics. If you’re stupid enough to film something like a guy shoving a beer can in places beer cans were never meant to go (if only for their yeast content) and it gets out there, well, it’s not like you can claim ignorance as a defense.

 

What I do have a problem with is boring porno. And this is a boring porno. “Ray-J,” some C-list Hip-Hop crooner and Kim Kardashian, the daughter of someone involved in the OJ Simpson murder trail have sex.

 

Okay, so now the daughter of a man tangentially related to someone famous for maybe being a murderer (also a football star and actor) can use this as a claim to her own fame? I call BS. As for Ray-J, though the box declares he is a “Hip-Hop Super Star” during the film he shows absolutely no charisma or any other evidence of even average intelligence, much less the legitimate artistic aspirations or capabilities one would expect from a wordsmith. That said, she does have a perfectly nubile body and he has a suitably large, albeit deformed and crooked looking penis.

 

But an oversized phallus and a voluptuous beauty does not erotica make. The sex on display is down right boring. I’ll come out and say it. I have a more interesting sex life than Ray-J and I’m an internet journalist.

 

Consider that for a moment.

 

A scrawny 18-year-old white kid who writes about movies on the internet for fun is having significantly more varied sex than an (alleged) “Hip-Hop super star” and his girlfriend. That’s how boring this movie is.

 

Most of the time the action is impossible to make out and Kardashian even manages keeps her top on the entire time. Near as I can tell, no one has even climaxed at the end of the video.

 

Worse yet, there is only approximately 10 to 15 minutes of actual sex in the movie. To lengthen it to a reasonable length the footage is played Ad Nauseum. We see the same slow out of focus and a-rhythmic thrusting shots again and again and again flipped and rotated, with different audio tracking of moaning played over the action, sped up, slowed down, in different order, over and over and over. One roughly 1 minute shot appeared no less than 8 times.

 

Only in the last few minutes do things pick up when the sex is actually, you know, sexy. Unfortunately, in order to get to this point one must suffer through an endless loop of dull, dull sex and completely unappealing personal life vignettes. “Kim K” as the omni-present advertisement in the lower right hand corner of the video calls Kardashian has no screen presence and Ray-J is no Humphrey Bogart himself.  Compared to this, Paris Hilton was damn personable in her video.

 

There is nothing to recommend here. If you’ve got a lover, you are probably having a more interesting love life. Though, if you’re still a virgin, this video might be of use to prepare you for the inevitable let down of your first, unfulfilling, sexual experience.

 

The only reason you should buy this disc, or even watch it at all, is if you went to high school with Kardashian and had a crush on her. If this is the case, this is a must buy because quiet frankly, her ass is everything you could have hoped for.

 

THE DISC

 

Included with the (very short) feature is a bonus disc of advertisements and scenes from various other Vivid productions. There are well over 2 dozen, all of which are almost as vanilla as the feature. Standard stuff, not terribly kinky, not terribly interesting but I would assume this is fairly representative of Vivid’s method of filmmaking (other than this disc I have never actually watched a pornographic DVD). The scenes are pure formula Cunnalingus then fellatio, then vaginal intercourse, then a different position, then a third. Sometimes there will be light bondage overtones and some good old fashioned sodomy can be found in one or 2 of the videos I think. Honestly, I don’t know. I was bored and watching the footage at 8 times speed.

 

One product, “Vivid-Alt” does stand out however, if only because the music was pretty cool and there was actually some cinematography present. Too, the girls looked more natural and less porn star-ish. Also, the dyed hair and tattoos are cool to look at. But that could just be my ADD.

 

The bonus disc certainly adds value since it is about 4 times as long as the feature. Still, I can’t imagine that anyone reading this doesn’t have a better imagination than this.

 

MOVIE: 2.1/10

DVD: 4/10

 

 

 



 
     
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