INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF COUPLES COUNSELING

Ever on the lookout for a scoop, I’ve been trying to get confirmation from my sources as to whether or not a fifth Indiana Jones film is already in the works.  While none of my operatives would confirm or deny the rumors (security on Crystal Skull was tighter than Paul Thomas Anderson’s grip on the title of Last Remaining Auteur), a few pages of a screenplay have been circulating in underground entertainment journalism circles. (You don’t want to know what the entertainment journalism underground is like: picture the high school yearbook committee strung out on smack in the hallways of the Chelsea Hotel.) 

These pages are reportedly from an as-yet unproduced project called Indiana Jones and the Grassy Knoll (Spielberg is apparently willing to step aside and let Oliver Stone direct). As Indy grows older and still wiser, the vision of the film is that it will break with the tradition of the opening high-octane action sequence and begin with a couples counseling session between Jones and his now-wife Marion, mirroring the rising popularity of psychoanalysis in mid-20^th Century American culture. Here, at great risk to my own person, is an excerpt:

INT.  PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - DAY

INDY and MARION sit across from a dour-looking PSYCHOLOGIST.  There is an uncomfortable beat of silence. Then:  

                                                PSYCHOLOGIST

                              Indiana, when Marion calls you “about as emotionally

                             available as a crystal skull,” how does that make you

                             feel?

                                                INDY

I have a bad feeling about this.

                   MARION

You see?  Whenever feelings come up, he just

says some stupid catch phrase.

                   INDY

Why did it have to be snakes?

                   MARION

You see what I mean?  That’s a total non sequitur!

                   PSYCHOLOGIST

Indiana, are you hearing that Marion is upset?

                   INDY

                             Oh, look, can we just cut the crap?  Buddy, I

                             don’t know about you, but finding out I have

                             a son and then having to step up and marry

                             his mother…it’s driving me crazy.  

                                                PSYCHOLOGIST

                             How so, Indiana?

                                                INDY

                             Hey, pal, you try a year’s worth of home-cooked

                             meals and dinner parties with the neighbors and

                             the new washer and dryer…come on!  I’ve crawled

                             under a moving Nazi transport truck, climbed

                             up on the roof, got back in the cab and kicked

                             the sh*t out of the driver!  I’ve dropped out of

                             an airplane in an inflatable raft!  I’ve outrun

                             a boulder the size of my own prostate!  This

                             marriage and a kid thing just isn’t cutting it!  I

                             don’t expect you to understand.  You’re a weak-

                             sister little shrink who doesn’t even have the

decency to parlay your expertise into a double

life as both a well-respected academic and

adventurer!  Arrgh!

Indy storms out.  Marion is left staring slack-jawed at the psychologist. 

                                                MARION

                             He’s never forgiven me for flipping over that

                             full-length mirror into his jaw. 

No author credit has been given to this early draft of Indy 5.  Although the fact that the screenplay ends with Indy realizing he has been dead the whole time points to M. Night Shyamalan.

James Napoli is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.”   He is a graduate of the London Film School. 

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