COLLIDER EXCLUSIVE: MILEY CYRUS NAMES RUNNING MATE!

©Unified Press International   

Pop sensation Miley Cyrus, also known to legions of young fans as the star of the hit Disney Channel sitcom Hannah Montana, has named record-breaking Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps as her running mate.

“I feel that a neat guy like Michael will bring just a whole lot of dedication and experience to the job of bringing a rockin’ good time to the world and telling people to recycle and stuff.”

Phelps was rumored to be a last minute inspiration for Cyrus, who had also considered Entertainment Tonight host Mary Hart, Sanjaya, the 7^th Place finisher of American Idol Season Six, and Bono.  “I really thought Bono would be good,” said Cyrus, “because he knows a lot of junk about politics and he has that band YouTube, you know, which is the same place my Web series is on.  And Mary Hart has been taking kickbacks from my publicist for two years now, so we’re really close.  But I went with Michael Phelps because he was, like, there, you know?”

Cyrus only recently announced her plan to bring on a running mate in her bid for teen entertainment world domination.  The teen was apparently shaken by the recent sales of the Jonas Brothers’ Thanks to a Little Bit Longer, which handily eclipsed the figures of Cyrus’ debut Breakout; a wake up call made all the more sobering since Cyrus has been linked romantically to Nick Jonas.  “I just knew something was going wrong in my campaign to be all famous and junk, and after I spent a day or two just really hating the Jonas Brothers so much, I realized that, hey, we are all responsible for our own things, like, whatever and everything.” 

Cyrus saw partnering with a media juggernaut like Phelps as an effective way to remain a prominent figure in the public’s imagination. 

Michael Phelps’ Vice-Pop Idol duties will include making guest appearances on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody and putting in a plug for Miley, doing swimming stuff, and crowd control.  “Michael will look so cool in just a Speedo and a security earpiece,” said a spokesperson for the Cyrus campaign.

“I have represented my country proudly in Beijing,” said Phelps yesterday.  “And now I will have the honor of representing somebody else not in Beijing for a very generous sum of money.” 

Cyrus’ decision to name a running mate has influenced other pop culture figures to raise their profiles using the same strategy.  Sources say the Cheetah Girls have approached respected NBC News anchor Brian Williams to be their running mate, Jamie Lynn Spears is in talks with Stephen Hawking, and Zac Efron is trying to pin down Carrot Top.

Field Reporter Inane Superficiality also contributed to this story.

James Napoli’s new book The North Pole Employee Handbook will be released by Cider Mill Press in the fall of 2008.  He is an author and humorist who has also written and directed the award winning dramatic shorts “The Priests” and “Nobody Gets Hurt.” 

For more “I’ve Been Thinking,” check the sidebar menu on the left, or go to the Vortex Archives page.