MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Welcome to the Midwest Misery Summer 2007 Cleveland SAT Test. I’ll be proctoring your exam (which, for those of you who forgot, means I’ll be sitting in the front of the room, occasionally glancing up from my adult magazine to give the impression that I care if any of you cheat. We must preserve the academic integrity of all Midwest Misery examinations). Take out your No. 2 pencils. You receive no points for spelling your name correctly.

1.      Which of the following surgeries were not performed on Cleveland Browns center LeCharles Bentley:

a.        Arthroscopic knee surgery;

b.        Removal of staph infection;

c.        Removal of boll weevil infestation;

d.        What do you mean, Bentley had surgeries? The Browns cover-up of Bentley’s medical condition made the Bush administration look like the ultimate proponent of Sunshine Laws.

2.      Danny Ferry and the Cavaliers made no effort to enter last week’s NBA Draft because:

a.        The Cavs believe Daniel Gibson, Shannon Brown, Sasha Pavlovic, and Anderson Varejao are a solid young nucleus to surround Lebron James;

b.        There were no available players in the slots the Cavaliers could have traded into that would justify sacrificing future selections;

c.        The contracts of Damon Jones, Larry Hughes, and Zyrudnas Illgauskas have crippled the franchise worse than that guy who T-boned Alex Zanardi in 2001.

3.      The most appropriate adjective to describe the first half of Travis Hafner’s 2007 season is which of the following:

a.        Disappointing;

b.        Borderline Sammy Sosa circa 2005;

c.        Money-saving (hey, how did Mark Shapiro get access to this test?)

4.      True or false: The Ohio State Men’s Basketball team had more first round selections than the Ohio State Football team has in any of the years during the Jim Tressel Era?

5.      In a perfect world, the Cleveland Indians would trade for which of the following players at the Major League Baseball trade deadline:

a.        Brad Lidge

b.        Brad Hawpe

c.        Dontrelle Willis

d.        Clue Haywood

e.        Come on. Do you really think the Indians will be adding payroll?

6.      The best word to describe C.C. Sabathia’s 2007 season so far is:

a.        Ace

b.        Phenomenal

c.        Cy-worthy

d.        Pinstripes

7.      Which of the following Cleveland Browns quarterbacks has the strongest throwing arm:

a.        Brady Quinn

b.        Charlie Frye

c.        Joshua Cribbs

d.        Mike Pagel

8.      True or False: Sportstime Ohio, the network created to televise Indians games, has a sports talk show called “All Bets Are Off” hosted by Bruce Drennan, who served time in prison for his role in a gambling scandal?

9.      Which is higher: Tank Johnson’s blood alcohol level or Mike Rouse’s batting average?

10.  Lebron James gave his son the middle name Maximus because:

a.        He excels at Latin.

b.        He is a big fan of the movie “Gladiator.”

c.        He will name all future children after his contract demands.

11.  Essay Question: Describe in 500 words or less what the hell happened to Indians third baseman Andy Marte without using the word “bust” or the name “Cory Snyder.”

12.  The alleged trade offer made by the Cavaliers to the Celtics in an effort to purge themselves of Larry Hughes proves that:

a.        Danny Ainge ain’t as dumb as we thought.

b.        Danny Ferry is smarter than we thought

c.        Danny Graves is still out of baseball.

d.        Danny Boone is still a big man.

Answers: c, c, c, I don’t know (you know how I feel about research), a, d, a (I hope), True, Rouse’s average, b, I don’t think it can be done, a.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com