MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

With another year of bombast and bile in the books (and with me taking an MLB inspired all-star break this morning), I proudly present the second annual “Best of Adam” column, highlighting the best from my work over the past year. Here’s to another miserable year on the web!

On the drug testing of cyclists: When are they going to test Floyd Landis? How much does that piss off the French to have Lance finally retire and then another American wins the Tour de France? Should we just send Jared from the Subway commercials next year?

On injured Jewish Browns football players: First Kellen, then Braylon, and now LeCharles (there’s three names you don’t see in the same sentence too often, particularly at your local synagogue).

On Ron Greschner’s spleen: Gresch probably did not and does not miss his spleen, but he probably does miss marathon sex sessions with former spouse Carol Alt.

On the MLB posting process: I’m sure the bid was far less than the $51.1 million the Red Sox allegedly spent to win the right to negotiate a contract with Scott Boras. This seems like the sports negotiating equivalent of paying for the right to be sodomized by Mel Gibson while he’s hopped up on greenies.

On lying sports broadcasters and the skill of American University men’s basketball players: It’s always fun listening to announcers for teams from bigger schools as they try to build up a school like American as a threat to their team. According to our commentators for the day, AU is “really good defensively” and “filled with veteran leadership.” Why not just offer me a dollar not to change the channel? I’m waiting for “all of American’s players are carbon based life forms.”

The One Prediction I Sort of Got Right: Lebron James throws down a titanic dunk over Tim Duncan in Game 4 of the NBA Finals, which, much like the first three games, is won by the Spurs.

On Why David Beckham Could Make it Big in the States: Hey, if Paris Hilton can become famous through a combination of stupidity and questionable moral conduct, why can’t a good looking guy who can find the upper 90 of a soccer goal from 50 yards do the same? At least Beckham has discernible skills.

Displaying my Total Lack of Care for NASCAR: Is it a big deal when they suspend a crew chief? Can’t they find someone else who can change a tire real fast?

On Future Career Alternatives for Keith Foulke: Initial reaction if I were Cleveland Browns General Manager Phil Savage: Let’s bring this guy in and see if he can play offensive line.

Inventing New and Exciting Ways to Insult Duke:

Duke’s first round exit in the ACC Tournament means:

     a.      Duke is simply not as good this year as in past years.

b.      Jon Scheyer should have paid more attention in Hebrew School (relax folks, I am Jewish)

c.          Josh McRoberts should stay in school and Gerald Henderson should learn to keep his hands to himself.

d.          Wojo and Johnny Dawkins better watch out, or this season will appear on their head coaching records.

On the Condition of my Own Ass: Granted, I did recently have a physical during which I was forced to undergo the dreaded prostate test. That was bound to happen at some point, and not only did I turn out to be fine, but my doctor sent a “Thank You” note. Never underestimate the importance of wiping properly.

On the Musical Selections at Quicken Loans Arena: None of my objections should in any way be viewed as thinking that the NBA is “too black.” I understand the in-game music is going to be hip-hop. Why shouldn’t it be? If Lebron James got geeked by AC/DC, “You Shook Me All Night Long” would be played every time the Cavs had the ball on offense.

On the Indians 2007 Home Opener: I went to a baseball game and “March of the Penguins” broke out. My testicles are still hiding in my lungs to keep warm.

On Non-Clevelanders Opining on “Major League”: If you are not from Cleveland, you have no right whatsoever to comment on “Major League.” In fact, you bastards in the other 49 states should be kissing the feet and rear ends of Clevelanders simply because we allow you to watch this masterpiece of cinema.

My Plan to Save the NHL. I think the only thing that could possibly help professional hockey in this country is topless Playboy centerfold zamboni drivers.

On the Merits of the Columbus Blue Jackets: The Blue Jackets…errr…uhh…well….give me a second….there’s got to be something…ok, I’ve got it: The Blue Jackets have not sold any nuclear material to Al Qaeda.

On Ben Johnson: Johnson’s steroid abuse is well-chronicled, both by Johnson himself and his former doctors. The fact that Johnson took enough steroids that he might have pulled a Bill Bratzkee and placed in the 1988 Kentucky Derby doesn’t help his claims.

My Favorite Quote From “Necessary Roughness”, Just ‘Cause: “Mr. Blake…he will never touch you.” No reason for this one, other than that this scene makes me cry every time I see it. The bond between a Samoan center and his aged quarterback is truly touching. It’s Scott Bakula’s pinnacle as an actor.

On Romeo Crennel: Crennel never wins a replay challenge, blew multiple second half leads at home, and his failure to discipline Edwards caused him to lose his locker room. Other than that, he’s Vince Lombardi.