MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

I may not be the world’s leading trial expert, nor do I pretend to be a litigator (I do, however, consider myself a budding geneticist), but I’m pretty sure when the federal government decides it wants to indict you, the odds are you did something wrong.

Unlike say, the prosecutor in Durham, North Carolina, or every attorney in California who hopes to land the book deal that gets made into a major motion picture, or anyone who wants to move up for political reasons, the federal government’s attorneys have no greater aspiration than obtaining the personal satisfaction derived from incarcerating scumbags. Ego is irrelevant to government prosecutors. They don’t always win, but they really hate to lose. And they don’t mess up too often.

Michael Vick is in deep trouble.

News broke last week that the feds were indicting the Falcons quarterback mere months after he told NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and team owner Arthur Blank that the accusations were bogus. Blank and Goodell are powerful men who don’t like wearing egg on their faces. Vick should consider himself lucky that each has enough respect for the rule of law in this country that they have chosen not to ban him from playing football, lest they taint the prosecution’s case. That respect is the only thing keeping Vick on the payroll right now. Goodell banned him from training camp yesterday as much for the safety of the other Falcons as to punish Vick.

There can be no condoning of dogfighting. I’m no dog-lover and I’m not on any PETA donor’s lists, but it takes a real sick bastard to fight dogs for sport. It takes an even sicker bastard to come up with torturous ways to execute the non-aggressive ones. We Americans like to think we’re above bullshit like this. We ought to think again.

There should be even less speculation that Vick is some kind of target. This isn’t a groupie spreading false claims or paternity or a guy looking to cash in off a bar fight. Vick has at least a modicum of involvement if for no other reason than the fact that he owned the property at which the alleged crimes took place. True, that does not mean he is guilty, but the whole affair is looking and quacking like a duck more and more.

I found it odd that a number of folks in the media felt that the decision not to immediately suspend Vick was based, in part, on his prior record of good conduct. What good conduct? Does anyone else remember “Ron Mexico?” What about the marijuana incident in the airport earlier this year? Is using an alias to avoid bad publicity after spreading venereal diseases and sneaking weed onto airplanes what passes for good conduct? Is the NFL so full of malcontents that anything less than Tank Johnson or Pac Man Jones worthy of praise? Is Vick a good guy because he has a lot of endorsements and rather unique abilities on the field? Would a long snapper accused of the same crimes be a “good guy?”

Maybe Marcus Vick isn’t the Frank Stallone of the Vick household. At least he apparently limited his assaults to fellow humans.

Assuming the evidence presented in the indictment is true, the only thing worse than Vick’s participation in these heinous acts is the callous and arrogant way he acted about it. It takes a serious lack of reality to walk around promoting the fact that you are engaging in such vile actions as dogfighting. “Bad New Kennels” may have sounded like a boxing promotion or some other way for Vick and his cronies to identify themselves as tough guys. It sounds pretty darned pathetic to me.

Maybe Vick and his cronies were more discreet than I am giving them credit for being. After all, thus far, no cell phone pictures with Vick wearing his “BNK” wear have hit the internet.

Vick has remained silent thus far. Many speculate he is doing so on the advice of counsel because were he to speak, anything he says could be used against him in a court of law. A Jason-Giambi like apology would get Vick crucified on the stand. So would a proclamation of innocence if he is, in fact, guilty.

If convicted, there is no way Vick ever plays in the NFL again. The crimes of which he is accused of committing are far more heinous than the conduct of Jones and Johnson combined. Couple that with having lied to the Commissioner of Discipline right to his face, and you can kiss Vick goodbye.

The guy who liked to toy with pitbulls for his own amusement is about to go up against some bulldogs from the federal government. Innocent or guilty, he better be ready.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com