MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Random Miserable Thoughts

This past week has been the hottest, most humid week we have had in Cleveland all summer. I put down 36 ounces of Gatorade at softball Monday night and still sweated off four pounds.

With the heat turning my brain into mush, here are some random thoughts that have been on my mind:

-Why did the Indians re-sign Russell Branyan when they could have piad me even less to stand in the batter’s box and strike out?

-Idea that I bet I can’t make catch fire: Fausto Carmona for American League MVP. Think about this for a minute. There is no member of the Red Sox or Angels that is having a season that is statistically impressive enough to justify the award. Assuming the Indians make the playoffs, at least two of A-Rod, Justin Morneau, and Magglio Ordonez will miss the post-season, and therefore should be disqualified from consideration. While Carmona may not be the best pitcher on the Indians, his 13 wins and low ERA are the reason the Tribe is in first place. C.C. Sabathia’s season was expected. With the abject failures of Cliff Lee and Jeremy Sowers, and the late rounding-into-form of Jake Westbrook, Carmona has been the most valuable player on the Indians this year.

-Is it just me, or….: Did Brady Quinn sound like an absolute jackass during his first press conference after signing his contract? I’m surprised the Browns’ defensive linemen didn’t “accidentally” ignore the red jersey.

-Cheaters never win, and winners never cheat: Barry Bonds, home run king.

-Cheaters never win, and winners never cheat, pt. 2 (the non-sarcastic version): Tom Glavine, possibly the final pitcher to ever get to 300 wins. If only his greatest moment had not been Game 6 of the 1995 World Series.

-Is it so wrong for Larry Johnson to hold out, having carried the ball 7,385 times in the last two seasons, when LaDanian Tomlinson, who is equally important to his team’s success, is being held out of pre-season games intentionally? How hard is it in concept to run the football? “Here, take it, and follow that large guy wearing the same colored jersey.”

-With Michael Irvin gaining entry into the Hall of Fame, I once again must raise the question: Was Troy Aikman really that good? Can you recall a single game as “The Aikman Game” (the way the regular season finale in 1993 was “The Emmitt Smith Game”)? Was Aikman ever the reason they won an NFC Title Game over the 49ers or a Super Bowl (heck, even Bernie Kosar was more valuable when they won in 1993 coming off the bench when Aikman got knocked out)? I realize he won Super Bowls and I realize he has some great numbers, but was he really better than Phil Simms? Or did he just have guys like Irvin, Smith, Jay Novacek, Darryl Johnston, and some of the best linemen in football around him?

-And one other question about the Hall of Fame: How can guys who have been retired for 30 plus years suddenly become Hall of Famers? The NFL’s revisionist history is a much kinder version than that to which U.S. Presidents are made subject. I know I’m a Clevelander so I should be happy for Gene Hickerson, but watching highlights of the old Browns, I’m pretty sure I could block for Jim Brown, who would run me over as easily as he did defenders.

-One man’s final college football poll: USC, LSU, Texas, UCLA, Wisconsin, Florida, West Virginia, Michigan, Virginia Tech.

-What, no Buckeyes?: Yep. The scarlet and grey has too many questions on offense, although the defense should be pretty impressive, and they will start 8-0. The last four games are brutal.

-This just doesn’t pass the smell test: Reggie Miller, Boston Celtic.

-Because he needed the self-esteem boost: Tom Brady, named “Best Dressed Man in the World” by Esquire Magazine.

-Major League Soccer has no luck. Freddy Adu was a bust for four years and is now being sent to Portugal, where he will receive less coverage in America than rodeo and anyone who can kick a hackey-sack for three minutes on You Tube!. David Beckham’s ankle has kept him out of every L.A. Galaxy game, televised or otherwise.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com