MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

An open letter to the Akron Beacon Journal

Dear Sports Editor:

So, Tuesday afternoon, the folks out here in the Midwest learned that your sports columnist, Terry Pluto, is leaving to join the ranks up at The Plain Dealer in Cleveland.

I’m not sure why the PD needs three sports columnists. The two veteran PD sports columnists, Bud Shaw and Bill Livingston, haven’t been racking up Pulitzer Prizes. Both appear to be safe for now; as of this writing, neither will be reassigned or removed.

(I personally find Livingston and Shaw unoriginal, humorless, and gutless. It seems as though PD protocol is to kiss up to every local athlete unless the team really stinks or the player has just left town. Shaw in particular brings nothing to the table, and hasn’t since replacing Bob Kravitz many years ago).

Pluto, on the other hand, is a great newspaper writer who has also penned a number of sports books. He is best known nationally for his book “Loose Balls”, a tome about the trials and tribulations of the ABA. You know this. You have worked with the man for 22 years.

By now you are asking yourself: why is this bozo writing me a letter telling me that my star sports guy is leaving me, which I already know? The answer is simple: you need a hungry, young replacement that is more entertaining and likely to sell advertising space than the guy who just walked out.

Enter the Misery.

I cannot claim to having Pluto’s pedigree as a beat writer, nor his talent as an author or columnist. I can claim to be a smartass with an attitude problem who isn’t afraid to craft dicey and offensive one-liners while occasionally making a really excellent point about local sports.

(Neither Shaw nor Livingston can make the same claim).

I kiss up to no athlete because why I should do so boggles my mind. Athletes don’t give a crap about any member of the media that doesn’t have an ESPN credential. Until the nightly collider.com sports highlights air on a major cable network, I have no worries about making statements such as “Charlie Frye has a strand of linguini where most people have a right arm,” or “Larry Hughes sucks.”

Admittedly, I’m a little behind on the adventures of the Akron Aeros and the Akron Zips, but let’s face it, Pluto probably rarely, if ever, based his columns on either of those teams. One Aeros column every other month and one Zips column each for basketball and football season (barring post-season entry, for which I am not holding my breath) should do the trick.

Most importantly: I am readily available and incredibly cheap. I’d take $100 per column (granted, $100 gets you the same level of crap you’re reading now; I know you’re checking out the archives).

Your move, dude. The people of Akron deserve me.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com