MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Ten Random Thoughts on the 2007 NFL Season

Why write an NFL preview column? Well, we here at the Misery are afraid to mention by name that certain team that is currently in first place in the American League Central Division. We don’t like to add to the jinx that plagues the fine city of Cleveland, Ohio (official sports motto: “At Least We Ain’t Buffalo”).

Longtime readers must be sure to remind first-time readers (yeah, I’m an optimist) that I know absolutely nothing about football other than how to renew my subscription to NFL Sunday Ticket on DirecTV.

Without further ado, the not-so-official Midwest Misery’s Ten NFL Thoughts:

1.      Do you think that the Patriots’ signing of Randy Moss and drafting of questionable character Brandon Merriweather smells a bit like the post-2001 New York Yankees? For the six years of the Patriot Dynasty, New England won with players who put the team above all else. They had two superstars (Tom Brady and Tedy Bruschi compared to Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera), really solid players of great character, some of whom have come and gone, (Troy Brown and Willie McGinest compared to Paul O’Neill and Andy Pettite), and the right manager/coach for the team. The Pats have strayed a bit from their format; despite being the favorite to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl, whether they can be more successful than their baseball equivalent remains to be seen.

2.      Eli Manning and Tiki Barber should just step into the Octagon and get it over with. Although for those two, a slap-fight seems just as appropriate. That fight didn’t go nearly as far as it should have:

Tiki: “Eli’s no leader.”

Eli: “It’s hard to lead when your star running back is a quitter.”

Tiki: “Oh yeah? Well, I may be a quitter, but at least I’m not jealous of my more successful brother.”

Eli: “Oh yeah? Well you’re jealous because my brother makes 30 times what you do in endorsements.”

Tiki: “So are you.”

Eli: “Well, you and your twin brother did the most gay photo shoot ever for People Magazine a couple of years ago.”

Tiki: (Dead silence).

3.      Wouldn’t there be tremendous irony (and an increase in the number of suicidal fantasy football players) if LaDanian Tomlinson blew out his knee on the first play from scrimmage on Opening Day? San Diego would survive, as Michael Turner, while he is not Tomlinson, is ready to be a featured tailback somewhere.

4.      Why is everyone so convinced that the Baltimore Ravens will be the class of the AFC North? The Pittsburgh Steelers look awfully good to me this pre-season. The Bengals? They have no defense. The Browns? I’m an optimist, not an LSD user.

(Speaking of the Browns, I think they should start Brady Quinn at quarterback. History has, time and time again, rewarded those coaches willing to take risks in favor of players who, while lacking in experience, possess far greater talent than the veterans in front of them on the depth chart).

5.      Joey Harrington will not succeed in Atlanta. The Falcons, however, will still win too many games to be in a position to draft Bobby Petrino’s boy, Brian Brohm. Stefan LeFors is probably available.

6.      Are the Houston Texans trying to repeat the mistakes of the 2000-2001 Cleveland Browns? Courtney Brown and Gerard Warren seem like an apt analogy for Mario Williams and that 19-year old kid out of Louisville whose name I will not research.

7.      Reggie Bush is poised for a breakout campaign. In related news, the sky is blue, the sun rises in the East, and Peyton Manning is a good quarterback.

8.      Whose offense will be more exciting: Detroit’s or Arizona’s? Look at the talent those two teams have on that side of the ball. Arizona gets the nod here because I think Matt Leinart will be a great quarterback if he abandons his desire to be a repeat cover boy for Tiger Beat Magazine.

9.      How fast would an NFL announcer be handed his walking papers if he uttered the following phrase: “Fourth quarter, Falcons and Saints tied at ten. We’ve got a real dogfight on our hands here,”?

10.  Real predictions:

-AFC Playoff Teams: New England, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, San Diego, New York Jets, Baltimore.

-NFC Playoff Teams: Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bears, Carolina Panthers, Los Angeles Rams, New Orleans Saints, Detroit Lions (I just have this hunch).

-Super Bowl: Colts over Panthers

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com