MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Among the newsworthy NFL items I neglected to discuss earlier this week was the revelation that Jerome Bettis “faked” an injury to avoid getting cut by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

(You’ll notice that despite the fact that a certain American League Central team has won 11 of 15, I am not mentioning them. I remember 2005. Vividly).

I used quotations around the word “faked” because Bettis did have a legitimate knee injury; he simply needed the injury to occur during practice rather than the offseason (when the injury did, in fact, occur, quite possibly due to over-consumption of McDonald’s hamburgers) so he could maintain a roster spot.

This was a cunning move on the part of Bettis, and I’m surprised more NFL players haven’t employed this tactic in order to avoid being handed their walking papers. I suppose the only reason to wish Bettis had gone the honest route was that we all would have been deprived the vomit-inducing, feel-good story of his Super Bowl swan song. I could have certainly done just fine without it.

Still, Bettis’s admission got me thinking about a number of other famous (and not-so-famous) sports injuries and whether or not they were real:

-Mick “Mankind” Foley is thrown off of a cage and slammed through it, giving him a concussion, among other injuries: incredibly real. Wrestling matches are pre-determined, but Foley went a little overboard (literally) in the most dynamic spectacle seen in a wrestling ring. Mick has also sacrificed one of his ears in the name of sports entertainment. Mick may be a little crazy.

-Owen Hart piledrives Steve Austin and forgets to rest Austin’s head on his thighs: real. This was the first professional wrestling match I ever saw where I knew something was terribly wrong. Austin is lucky he walks these days.

-Lawrence Taylor breaks Joe Theisman’s leg: had to be real. There were no CGI graphics back in the 1980s. Humans with no masochistic tendencies cannot watch this replay without cringing. Is this made even more brutal knowing LT was probably coked out of his mind?

-Bip Roberts sits out Game 7 of the 1997 World Series with a “headache”: fake. I wish Roberts had passed his headache along to closer Jose Mesa. There is nothing like an athlete wanting to step up in a big game.

-Wendell Davis blows out both of his knees on the turf at Veterans Stadium: real. I’m sure the Iggle fans booed lustily.

-Ted Ginn Jr. sprains his ankle when Roy Hall mauls him during an end zone celebration: surprisingly fake. This was part of a conspiracy involving Fidel Castro, Tim Tebow, three chickens, Kim Jong Il, and a little Flemish girl named Patricia.

-Scottie Pippen blames his poor performance in Game 7 against the Pistons on a migraine: fake. Pippen was one of the all-time greats, but due to the fact that he played with some guy named Jordan, he never had to perform in the clutch. I would buy “sore vagina” from Pippen more than I buy his headache excuse.

-Bo Jackson blows out his hip and never plays football again after getting tackled from behind by a Cincinnati Bengal whose name escapes me: real. Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson, however, was invincible. And as much as it pains me to say this, I am sure real Bo’s injury had nothing to with steroids.

-Brad Daugherty does something or other to his back, resulting in the removal of a portion of his spine and actually shrinking him about one inch: very real. Although Daugherty is even better as a commentator than he was as a basketball player. And Daugherty, when healthy, was a good basketball player.

-Troy Aikman and Steve Young have their NFL careers shortened by receipt of multiple concussions resulting from severe blows to the head: fake. Just ask an NFL league doctor, who will tell you that concussion is a type of orchestral instrument.

-Multiple WNBA players miss significant time and/or suffer career ending injuries due to tearing of their anterior cruciate ligaments: Fake. There’s a “women’s” NBA? And equally fake is how blowing out her knee turned Rebecca Lobo into an African-American.

-Anfernee Hardaway’s knee and Grant Hill’s ankle: painfully real. Can you imagine how good either would have been, seeing as how each was so talented?

-Every injury suffered by a Cleveland Browns draft pick and/or free agent since 1999: undeniably real. I think Courtney Brown is held together by Scotch Tape.

-John Wayne Bobbitt has “it” severed, but gets “it” re-attached and then makes an adult film (we’re really scraping the bottom of the barrel): real. God needs a new writer.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com