MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

Here’s the nice thing about the timing of this year’s Jewish holidays: as long as I am sincere, I can atone for the immense quantity of “F Bombs” I will be dropping over the remainder of this column.

After Sunday’s debacle against the Pittsburgh Steelers, all one can say about the Browns performance is “what the fuck is going on here?”

After barely giving either one of his “veteran” quarterbacks a ringing vote of confidence, how the fuck can Romeo Crennel yank Charlie Frye halfway through the SECOND QUARTER? Sure, Frye was having a lousy game, missing receivers and holding the ball like it was a small child. But the Steelers were blitzing like crazy and the offensive line seemed powerless to stop it. All the change did was guarantee that until the Browns, if ever, go to Brady Quinn, Crennel will be answering questions about who his quarterback is.

How the fuck can Frye look at anyone and lay claim to being an NFL quarterback? About the only thing he did right Sunday was put on his uniform. You would have thought he was deliberately throwing three yards behind all of his receivers. He could become the first guy I can remember to go from opening day starter to the waiver wire in less than a half.

After watching him short arm and bounce half of his throws after entering the game, who the fuck decided Derek Anderson has strong arm? He was wilder than Rick Ankiel circa 2000. There are less bouncing balls in one of those tanks they have for kids at Sea World. Anderson isn’t a short-term, long-term, or any term solution to the problem. Why he took a single snap in the pre-season, I have no idea.

How the fuck can Kellen Winslow consider himself an elite tight end? Congrats Kellen, that blindside block on which you leveled a Steelers cornerback was the first of your career. Winslow still lets balls bounce off his hands and still gets removed from games in short yardage situations. Oh, and Kellen, don’t think I didn’t notice that you got momentarily upset at Lawrence Vickers for “stealing” your touchdown.

What in the fuck is wrong with the Browns’ offensive line? Didn’t the team spend three Indians’ payrolls to get Joe Thomas and Eric Steinbach? Ten of my friends and I could put forth a better running game and pass blocking scheme. The biggest problem: there is no way Crennel can put Quinn behind that offensive line. He’ll get sent back to Dublin ground up enough to be put in a Wendy’s triple cheeseburger.

Can Crennel coach worth a fuck? Forget his atrocious handling of the quarterback mess. The only thing worse than his division record in the last three years is his record on coach’s challenges. He blew both challenges in the first half on plays that weren’t even close (one was clearly based on lack of understanding of the rules. It’s OK for me not to know whether a player can be first to touch the ball when covering a punt if he has been in the end zone. I’m just a dumb fan). Crennel is proving that as a head coach, he’s an excellent defensive coordinator for Bill Belichick, who probably designed all of the defensive schemes anyway (based on Notre Dame’s second straight lousy performance, apparently Bill is an offensive genius as well).

Phil Savage: Fuck man. You have to be looking up Ozzie Newsome’s number at this point and absolutely begging him to let you be the fucking waterboy. The response to Sunday’s debacle from the GM was the return of Quinn mentor and former Ohio State punching bag Ken Dorsey. Dorsey is also not an NFL quarterback, but he knows Rob Chudzinski’s offense. This roster move sends a message to the rest of the league, which message is: “We do not know what the fuck we are doing.”

Rob Chudzinski: What the fuck kind of offense was that? It’s easy when you’re at the U and have all the talent in the world, plus you get to play five patsies a year. You don’t have LT and Antonio Gates anymore, my friend.

I don’t even have the fucking patience to talk about the defense. At least they kind of showed up for the first half before making absolutely no adjustments at halftime.

Honestly, the Browns organization owes every Cleveland fan that attended that pathetic excuse for a football game a full refund. They should even offer to pay 1/30 of the cable bill for every fan that watched at home. Where the fuck is Randy Lerner during all this? England? Lerner has sold every other asset he owns in Cleveland, maybe he’d like to sell the Browns to Bernie Kosar and a group of money men or some other person who might actually, you know, give a fuck about the team.

That would make fucking sense.

Get ready for the Brady Quinn era. It’s coming. I can fucking feel it.

Comments? Adamh164@yahoo.com