MIDWEST MISERY By Adam Hirschfeld

The Cleveland Indians clinched the American League Central Division Sunday with a 6-2 win over Oakland. A rebuilding process that began in 2002 has succeeded as quickly as anyone could have reasonably hoped. Give Mark Shapiro credit: apparently, he knew what he was doing (he should also be getting down on his knees every night because if not for Asdrubal Cabrera, whom he stole from the Mariners, he’d probably have to hear a lot more about how the team screwed up Brandon Phillips).

When Major League Baseball moved to a three-division, four-team playoff in 1995 (since, you know, 1994 never happened), the Indians put a boa constrictor style grip on the AL Central crown. Other than a blip in 2000 (due more to pitching injuries than anything else), the Indians thoroughly dominated a perennially weak division.

This has changed in recent years as the rest of the teams in the division improved and the Indians curbed their free-spending ways (memo to Larry Dolan: the next time you want to buy a team with maxed-out revenue streams, pay attention). The Minnesota Twins have built a solid squad on a tight budget (although Torii Hunter is gone and Johan Santana may not be far behind, the Twins still boast a lot of solid young talent and shouldn’t be doormats). The Detroit Tigers have hit on nearly all of their young pitching prospects and struck gold with free agents like Magglio Ordonez and Kenny Rogers. Before they got old, the White Sox won a World Series.

It’s been a while since the Indians have seen the postseason, and even longer since they have won a playoff series (1998). A lot has changed since the last time the Indians made the ALCS (and were within five feet of beating the Yankees, but that’s another story):

-In 1998, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa had a home run race that electrified the nation. Now, it’s pretty much assumed that each was as chemically enhanced as a bottle of Lake Erie water.

-In 1998, George Bush was a former owner of the Texas Rangers and a Governor of Texas. Now, most people wish that’s all he had ever amounted to.

-In 1998, Osama Bin Laden was just some kook who no one took seriously. Well, except the couple of government agencies that tried to take him out. Today, you can get $25 million for playing bounty hunter with him.

-In 1998, there were no Cleveland Browns. You can insert your own punchline.

-In 1998, we still didn’t know that Larry David could do George Costanza better than Jason Alexander. Tony Soprano was, if anything, the name of an opera singer in a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were unknown Mouseketeers. MTV still played a video every now and again. There were no Ipods. Paris Hilton was a hotel in France.

-In 1998, the only current members of the 2007 Cleveland Indians that were on major league rosters were Trot Nixon, David Dellucci, Kenny Lofton, Paul Byrd, and Joe Borowski. Forty percent of those guys will be enjoying the post season from the bench.

-In 1998, the Misery was single, childless, and finally able to drink in bars legally. These days, we’re on five years and counting, one incredibly adorable child, and we haven’t been in a bar except to use the bathroom since who knows when.

-In 1998, the Red Sox still hadn’t won squat since 1918. If only some things didn’t change (seriously, Red Sox fans are even more annoying than Yankee fans, since most of them are only fans since right around when Bill Simmons became a public figure).

-In 1998, Grady Sizemore wasn’t even in high school. Kenny Lofton was only on tour of duty number two with the Indians. Victor Martinez was a shortstop in Venezuela. Travis Hafner had barely played baseball in his life.

A lot can change in nine years. Welcome back to October, Indians. Nice to have you back where you belong.

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