College Humor Creates a New Opening Crawl for STAR WARS

by     Posted 4 years, 254 days ago

Sta Wars opening crawl.jpg

College Humor has released a new video featuring a brand new opening crawl to Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope that better fits the heavily edited Special Editions of the original trilogy.

If you’re a Star Wars fan none too happy with the bastardization of the original trilogy by Lucas in the special editions, you need to do yourself a favor and check out this video. Similar to the now famous 70-minute The Phantom Menace review, the video sums up everything wrong with the countless unnecessary edits shoved into the original films in order to make them more “modern” or worse still in order to make them fit better into the new, far inferior trilogy. Some callouts include the insertion of Hayden Christensen as Darth Vader, all the pointless new CGI and the brand new musical soundtrack in Jabba’s Palace.

Hit the jump for hilarity to ensue.

70-minute review




Like Us


Comments:

FB Comments

  • Logan

    Why does everyone (correction: fanboys) make such a big deal about the updated special editions? The effects are better, so the movie is worse? Is that why nobody liked the Phantom Menace? If Darth Maul had been some unrealistic-looking tall guy with pizza sauce on his face would the fanboys have appreciated it more?

    Maybe I don't “get it”, but every day I get more and more irritated by fanboys. “There's only one Return, and it isn't of the King.” Get a fu**ing life and be able to recognize the fact that, while Star Wars might have once been the greatest movie of all time, it isn't anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's a great movie. But the arguments that are started by Star Wars fanboys are usually flawed and illogical, and utterly unnecessary. The original versions still exist, so if you don't like the Special Editions, DON'T FU**ING WATCH THEM! Nobody's forcing them to, yet they still love complaining about it as though someone is. If it wasn't for George Lucas we wouldn't have Star Wars in the first place, so it seems very ungrateful and pretentious and utterly stupid to complain about an updated version that the ORIGINAL CREATOR had every right to make.

  • Logan

    In fact, I'm not even sure why “fanboys” are named as such. They certainly aren't fans of anything, seeing as how all they do is bitch and bitch and bitch. If we listened only to fanboys, George Lucas would be a washed up asshole who cared about nothing but money. I think it more likely that he tried to give everyone a new Star Wars story that they could enjoy and cherish in the new trilogy, but no, the new trilogy sucks because the fanboys say so, and they have good reasons. Wait a minute… no they don't….

  • RG

    @Logan “I think it more likely that he tried to give everyone a new Star Wars story that they could enjoy and cherish in the new trilogy, but no, the new trilogy sucks because the fanboys say so, and they have good reasons. Wait a minute… no they don't….”

    Sorry to burst your bubble mate but you don't have to be a fanboy to realize how BAD the new trilogy is. Anyone with common sense would realize this upon watching that 70 min review of the Phantom Menace and see just how poorly scripted and plot hole-ridden that sorry excuse of a film is. If you still beg to differ, then I am sorry but you're alone on this one. I think the whole world pretty much hates Eps 1. (and the rest of the new trilogy). Seriously, you cant look back at it 10 yrs later and say that that was a good movie.
    ps. I am a not a fanboy, just a regular reader of this site. just FYI.

  • Logan

    I can see what you're saying, because I've watched it and found the plot-holes myself. But the reason so many people love the original Star Wars movies is because they had an almost spiritual experience watching it for the first time as a kid (or so I've been told). I never got to have that experience with the originals, but I remember seeing Phantom Menace as a kid and absolutely falling in love with it. I was obsessed with that movie for months and months afterwards. The only movie watching experience I've had that surpassed it was Lord of the Rings. And also, I don't think you're right about the whole world hating episode 1. Maybe everyone you've talked to and conversed with hated it, but that does not justify saying that the whole world did, because I know for a fact that you can't prove that whatsoever.

  • Logan

    And I'll also be the first one to tell you that Attack of the Clones SUCKED. I HATE that movie. But I personally enjoyed Phantom Menace and Revenge of the Sith, as mediocre as they may have been. And a little FYI for yourself: don't go around saying things like “you're alone on this one”, because out of all the people in the world I SERIOUSLY doubt that I am. So saying things like that makes you seem arrogant and full of yourself. I'm not trying to say that you are, I'm just saying that posting things like that gives that impression.

  • James

    I agree any article that mentions Star Wars these days is annoying. They put them up because Star Wars is popular and they'll get hits from it but they are always the same. “Here is a video about Star Wars. Prequels were bad. George Lucas ruined someones childhood. Fin.”

    BTW, the video was actually funny by not being too snarky.

  • James

    Sorry to burst your bubble, the world does not revolve around your point of view. In fact, reports of TPM's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Many people like it. Spike TV had record ratings for the prequels and the prequels have spawned a successful TV show. Please explain, how does that happen when everybody hates the first movie of the prequels?

    Also, I enjoyed the TPM review as it was funny, which I think was the main intention. But if you really approach any movie with that attitude you must be the most boring prick ever.

  • duck

    TPM is widely regarded as a very poor movie. Rotten Tomatoes, IMDB, etc. You can enjoy any movie you like. Each to his/her own. Hell White Chicks was the number 1 movie in America. Does not mean it is a “good” movie. I am not a Star Wars fan, I am a movie fan. And I tell you even the original trilogy was not great, but new trilogy is much worse. But TPM is also not a terrible movie, I would put it with GI Joe and Transformers as mindless entertainment. You TPM fans may not be alone, but there are not a lot of you either. Power to you RG.

  • pv3jimenez

    Hey, I think I hear what you're saying. I'm not a fanboy but I have to say all three of the new movies sucked. The originals are in fact better in every way. I'm not freakin out and claiming they are the best thing ever but I think everyone who doesn't let their pride get in the way will agree that episodes 1,2 and 3 blow in comparison. Also, I respect your argument and all but I just have to point out two things. First, the Darth Maul analogy isn't valid because he wasn't CGI. I get what you meant, but I don't believe referencing Darth Maul supported your argument (in a way, he was just a dude with pizza sauce on his face). Second, the new scenes added to the original episodes were both good and bad. There were a few nice additions as far as scenery and I suppose “cleaning” up some shots, but there was a LOT of totally stupid shit. For example, Jabba's music and all that: TOTAL GARBAGE. That was just one of many really terrible additions. To be honest, George Lucas is more of a moron than you may think. If you haven't done so already, I suggest watching the 70 minute Phantom Menace review. That video basically proves that The Phantom Menace was the worst movie/story ever delivered to an audience.

  • pv3jimenez

    RG, you hit the nail right on the head.

  • pv3jimenez

    Duck, I think you and I are basically in agreement so I'm not trying to argue with you or anything, but in my opinion (yeah, this is just my opinon) TPM, GI Joe and Transformers were all absolutely terrible movies. Look, the thing is you kind of have to realize that movies don't appear in your life like magic. They are created by normal everyday individual douchebags just like any idiots you meet at work or went to school with. If you asked the creators of these movies, they would agree that in comparison to real art and quality story creation, movies like GI Joe and Transformers are total trash and really almost a legal form of thievery. Its like tricking a mentally handicapped person into giving you their money. Britney Spears's managers did the same thing. They provide something that is absolutely not worth any money and then manipulate a certain group of people (who they know would be easy to manipulate) into simply handing over their money. Your mindless entertainment comment gets closer to the point but even so, does something of such poor quality really qualify as entertainment? I mean, I could sit in silence looking at the sunset and then someone could jingle their keys in front of my face, that doesn't mean that the keys jingling made the experience suddenly noteworthy. You just have to take into account that there are better things out there. You don't have to settle for the insult of spending the money you worked and gave up part of your life for, and give up two more hours of your life just so someone can shit in a box and hold it in front of your face and say smile monkey smile. Most of this comment isn't for you, Duck. I basically agree with you point of view.

  • p r

    star wars, great movies when I was a boy knee high to a bantha, now that i'm much older looking back… I have no idea how in the world I liked those movies. The storyline was not very good, the effects were ok, all in all… the longer I went without watching them the better they got. When I finally did watch them again, I was sadly let down. Unfortunatly for me, my cousin got a copy of the updated effects star wars, and that was the nail in the coffin… things are digitally enhanced to poop. What once was ok, went to sad, the utter poop. I would not wipe my backside with the master copy of the original film, it would probably morf my sorry behind to a horribly pathetic one lol.

  • george lucas is a bitch.

    a note to Logan

    people think george lucas is a f'n sellout p.o.s. because he said “star wars will stop at 3, we will not make anymore”, then “no DVD for star wars, only vhs”, then “ok, we have new vhs updated effects star wars for you”, then “ok, I decided to realse on dvd but only the original version”, then “ok, I decided to release the upgraded version on dvd as well”, then “now were making episodes 1,2,3 but we'll not make 7,8,9″… and in a few years “ok were going to digitally upgrade 1,2,3 on dvds but only on dvd and not blue ray”, then 2 years later, “ok, were going to release the upgraded 1,2,3 on blue ray… but were still not making 7,8,9″; and finally “ok were making 7,8,9 yea”. george lucas is a p.o.s. cash miking liar!

  • p r

    star wars, great movies when I was a boy knee high to a bantha, now that i'm much older looking back… I have no idea how in the world I liked those movies. The storyline was not very good, the effects were ok, all in all… the longer I went without watching them the better they got. When I finally did watch them again, I was sadly let down. Unfortunatly for me, my cousin got a copy of the updated effects star wars, and that was the nail in the coffin… things are digitally enhanced to poop. What once was ok, went to sad, the utter poop. I would not wipe my backside with the master copy of the original film, it would probably morf my sorry behind to a horribly pathetic one lol.

  • george lucas is a bitch.

    a note to Logan

    people think george lucas is a f'n sellout p.o.s. because he said “star wars will stop at 3, we will not make anymore”, then “no DVD for star wars, only vhs”, then “ok, we have new vhs updated effects star wars for you”, then “ok, I decided to realse on dvd but only the original version”, then “ok, I decided to release the upgraded version on dvd as well”, then “now were making episodes 1,2,3 but we'll not make 7,8,9″… and in a few years “ok were going to digitally upgrade 1,2,3 on dvds but only on dvd and not blue ray”, then 2 years later, “ok, were going to release the upgraded 1,2,3 on blue ray… but were still not making 7,8,9″; and finally “ok were making 7,8,9 yea”. george lucas is a p.o.s. cash miking liar!

Click Here