DVD Review – ‘Kissing on the Mouth’

     December 31, 1969

Reviewed by Richard Toledo

If you’ve ever wanted to see some chick trimming her bush while squatting over a toilet, then Kissing on the Mouth is the movie for you.That and many other brilliant moments add up to one of the most pointless movies I have ever seen.Actually, it’s the most pointless movie I have ever seen.I was trying to be nice but I give up.

It took me three goddamn days to watch this 78-minute movie.Three.Goddamn.Days.I haven’t had such difficulty getting through an entire movie since The Matrix Reloaded, which completely lost me with that whole underground rave/orgy sequence.What the cock was that about?But I digress.

I’ll try to be as brief as I can in this review because frankly, just typing about it is making me angry all over again.I seriously need to punch someone in the throat to make me feel better.

The paper-thin excuse of a “plot” involves four whiny twenty-somethings recently out of college who have nothing better to do but sit around and whine.Did I mention that they whine a lot?Ellen (Kate Winterich, a.k.a. the Bush Trimmer) is like totally sleeping with her ex-boyfriend Chris (Kevin Pittman), but she doesn’t know that her roommate Patrick (Joe Swanberg) is like so totally into her, so he acts all jealous.And Ellen’s friend Laura (Kris Williams) is into Patrick.Or something.

And that’s it, people!That’s the whole plot.Nothing.Ever.Happens.It was the most excruciatingly mind-numbing experience of my life.It goes from one scene of characters blathering on to another.And they manage to spout off the most trite, pretentious drivel imaginable.It was the aural equivalent of someone running a cheese grater on my brain (but the cheese grater thing would be far less painful to endure).It ain’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it’s pretty damn close.

The four actors also served as the movie’s only crew (thus they collectively share the blame for this cinematic atrocity), so it is admirable that Kissing on the Mouth got released at all.If this piece of shit found an audience, then there is hope for aspiring filmmakers everywhere.

<spansize=3>Extras

There is a pre-production interview with the Bush Trimmer that is blessedly short in which she expresses her concerns about having sex on camera.The rehearsal footage kind of confused me because it looked exactly like what made it into the movie.

Rounding out this torture are deleted scenes (for God’s sake WHY?) and commentary by the four actors/crew, which was stupid but it was slightly better than watching the movie without it.Slightly.

<spansize=3>Final Words

At some point during this movie I vomited into my mouth and then swallowed it.When the credits finally rolled a single tear rolled down my cheek.It was the happiest moment of my life.

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