Recently, I sat down to watch the new sitcom Fam, excited to see Nina Dobrev play Clem, a New York City girl, far outside of the world of vampires. A few minutes into the show, I was already into it, cracking up and just so happy that no doppelgangers were trying to kill her — OK I’ll stop with the Vampire Diaries references. Then, when I was really sinking my teeth into it — sorry last one! — I experienced a sudden shift in emotion as we were introduced to Clem’s estranged father. For those of you who haven’t seen the show, it had been years since they lived together and Clem was only forced to seek him out after her 16 -year-old sister showed up at her apartment. While it was made clear how poorly he had always treated her, she still felt so guilty about not talking to him that she told her fiance he was dead, fearing judgement.

After he’s revealed to be very much alive, those around her become fixated on having him become a part of her life again, even suggesting he walk her down the aisle. Never is the idea presented that Clem did the right thing in separating from her toxic father thus creating a better life for herself. Instead his actions are designed to be funny, and the idea that she wouldn’t want him in her life is viewed as inconceivable.

As someone who has removed a toxic parent from their life, this narrative hit me hard, as it has every time I’ve seen it used as a plot device. Once again, I felt like my choice was being judged and, while I’m completely sure of my decision, I felt guilty. I had the same reaction while watching How I Met Your Mother years earlier as Marshall guilts Lily into reconciling with her absentee father. It makes me wonder, how many times will I have to watch this story played out as if I’m the bad guy?

To be clear, I’m not blaming these shows for my reaction. I understand why this storyline is used time and again in the media. Who doesn’t want to believe that any issue can be overcome between a parent and a child? Aren’t shows supposed to make us believe anything is possible? Unfortunately, outside of the TV screen, real life doesn’t always have a fairytale ending. Sometimes relationships fall apart and they don’t get put back together. While that can be sad, it can also be for the best. Regardless of whether someone is related to you, some people are too toxic to be allowed to remain in your life.

fam-1
Image via CBS

“Often, the media portrays familial estrangement as a problem to solve or a plotline to flesh out character roles,” Kryss Shane, a mental health professional, tells Collider. “As such, the assumption is that estrangements are temporary and easy to fix or end, if both people want to. This can create a stigma against anyone who is estranged from a family member where reunification is not possible or not healthy.”

Take Laura, 35, for instance. After a lifetime of her parents treating her poorly, five years ago she cut off contact with her family. “I am mentally stronger and happier and wish I had the guts to part ways with them sooner. This Hollywood notion that we need our family in our lives to be complete is not true. I am living a much more positive and fulfilled life without them in it,” she tells Collider. “It frustrates me watching this type of movies and shows. My parents returning to my life would not bring sunshine and rainbows. It would bring pain and heartache. So, no thank you Hollywood, I am happy without them.”

While some relationships are able to be mended, not all can and that’s OK to accept. “Sometimes, in cases where the relationship is toxic, boundaries are continuously ignored, or old wounds are often re-opened, it’s better to let go and make the decision not to participate in that relationship any longer. Whether or not a decision is healthy is dependent on a person's individual needs and the specific qualities of the relationship, not on whether or not the relationship is with a family member,” Amanda Seavey, licensed psychologist and founder of Clarity Psychological Wellness, tells Collider. “Seeing reconciliation stories can be triggering or invalidating to individuals who have made the difficult decision to end a relationship with a family member.”

Demi (name changed), 25, has removed one parent from her life and has a strained relationship with the other, but she’s accepted these storylines as wishful thinking. “Watching the common narrative in T.V. in my situation hasn't triggered me as I understand why it's put forward to the masses,” She tells Collider. “Parents are supposed to love and protect you, so the idea that they can harm you, and that life can be better without your parents, is a hard concept to swallow for people, especially if they haven't experienced the issue firsthand.”

Whether you’ve been triggered by these plotlines in the past or not, having coping mechanisms prepared can go a long way towards lessening their potential impact. “First, acknowledge that it’s being portrayed in a movie, which doesn’t mean it’s necessarily real,” Kelley Kitley, LCSW, tells Collider. Movies and T.V. shows are under no obligation to show real life situations. I don’t think anyone was watching Dobrev being chased by vampires thinking, yes this, this is real life. Apply that same logic to more realistic stories.

Once you’ve separated real life and fiction, go over why your decision was the right one for you. “Engage in self talk and remind yourself why you are estranged, how it has benefited you and that the story you observed on T.V. is a fantasy, your reuniting most likely won’t look like that,” Kitley continues. “Be gentle with yourself. Movies can stir up a lot of feelings, especially when we are currently going through something similar or have unresolved issues. I always encourage my clients to talk about something that has impacted them in the media, write about it, or talk to someone you trust who understands your situation.”

Is there anyone in your life who has gone through something similar, maybe even a sibling? Are they willing to talk to you about it? “I think the best way for people to cope with popular media's repeating storyline of parental estrangement needing to be ‘fixed’ is to, as much as they can, surround themselves with models of people who have consciously, intentionally, and thoughtfully ended their relationships with their parents and continue to feel sustained by that decision,” Madison McCullough, therapist and LCSW tells Collider. If you don’t know anyone, even reading about celebrities who have made this decision may help you feel less alone in it.

If you don’t have anyone in your life you feel comfortable discussing it with, consider speaking to a therapist. The worst thing you can do is let these feelings fester. So, when you’re ready, consider it. “For the people who feel triggered or may feel guilt or shame after watching these types of stories, it's important to remember that what's true for others may not be true for you. Talking about your experience, and working through the varying emotions and thoughts associated with an estrangement, can help immensely, particularly with a qualified therapist,” Jamie Hidalgo, MA, LPC, Fortitude Wellness Counseling, tells Collider. “As with many of our struggles in life, estrangement can create quite a bit of stress, so maintaining one's physical and mental health is important.”

At the end of the day, watching this storyline, real or fiction, might be too much. That tends to be the case for Melissa, 37, who cut off contact with her narcissistic mother and enabling step-father two years ago. Watching forced reconciliation in the media, can, understandably, spur an overwhelmingly array of emotions for her. “I tend to go through several emotions over a short period of time. Sadness over the fact I mourn my mother who is alive, but incapable of being in my life, annoyance over such an unrealistic and sappy plot line, guilt for not making amends with my estranged family, and anger that there doesn't seem to be a conversation in Hollywood about emotional abuses like narcissism,” she tells Collider. “I normally deal with this subject matter by turning off the programming or leaving the theater because it tends to trigger my C-PTSD.” You don’t need to prove anything by continuing to watch something that makes you feel worse.

On that note, while the happily ever after tone of a reconciliation narrative has a place in the scripted world of entertainment, the alternative needs to be represented as well. “I’d love to see more narratives that ask deep questions like ‘What is a real family?’ or ‘What is a real home?’ Even Harry Potter didn’t have a real home until he left for Hogwarts, because he was unwelcome at the house he grew up in. He never does reconcile with the aunt and uncle who abused him, and he finds his real family with friends who value him as he is,” Aimee Daramus, Psy.D., tells Collider. “I’d like to see the narratives that are honest about how children wrestle with the decision to distance themselves from biological family and have to figure out what home and family are. I want to see the person who is rejected for their gifts find people who understand and appreciate them as they are. I’d love to see healthy confrontations in which the adult child learns to check the parents’ behavior and sometimes decides not to reconcile.”

As a mirror of our world, it’s important for all types of family dynamics to be broadcast on our screens. “I think if the media allowed the portrayal of these relationships to be a bit more complicated, and understood that happy endings can also be found in continued estrangement, those who have chosen to end their relationships with a parent would feel a lot more seen in the media,” McCullough says.

Whether you’re watching live, streaming, or catching a movie on the plane, each story has a place in the media. Will I continue to come across storylines in T.V. and movies that hit me harder than I’d like? Undoubtedly, but I’ll learn to cope with it the best I can and turn it off when I need to. Then maybe, one day, I’ll see someone who, like me, made this difficult choice that gave them a happier, fuller life. I just hope they don’t have to fight vampires while living it.