We’re here at last. The seemingly endless award season has reached its zenith/nadir. I have never been less enthusiastic for the Oscars. And I used to love the Oscars. I loved the competition, I loved seeing the films and actors I loved get recognized with Hollywood’s highest honor, and this year I hardly have anything or anyone to root for. This year, it’s mostly “Yeah, I can live with that.” I know the awards don’t really matter, I know that the voting body is old white men, and I know my Oscar predictions are probably going to go down in flames (if you’re still trying to figure out your Oscar ballot, go with Adam’s picks; I’m playing the odds).
But this live-blog will keep me sane. Sharing my frustrations and mockery with you fine people will help me get through this charade. My live-blogging will kick in around 8:00pm (EST) and then just keep refreshing the page for my latest thoughts on the 84th Academy Awards. I’ll also be live-tweeting (cross-platform mocking!) and you can follow me on Twitter at @MattGoldberg. Together, we will survive. The ceremony begins at 8:30pm (EST).
[All times Eastern]
8:00pm – Fair warning: I’ve been enduring two hours of pre-show. I feel about as smart as the red carpet interviewers.
8:02pm – Bradley Cooper just came from his part-time job as a 70s porn actor.
8:04pm – Gwneyth Paltrow just came from her part-time job as Moon Knight.
8:06pm – There’s been a mix-up. The Price-Waterhouse guys are carrying the nuclear launch codes.
8:11pm – Sandra Bullock is about 5 seconds away from being tackled by Michael Oher.
8:15pm – When the countdown clock hits zero, the bomb explodes. Jean Claude Van Damme is scrambling behind the scenes, people.
8:19pm – If your fate rests in the hands of Ashley Judd, you’re fucked.
8:20pm – Natalie Portman: one of the few actresses with a fantastic dress. Also, her being really hot also helps.
8:21pm – Tom Hanks will explain the “Winner’s Walk” at the Oscars before going back to his plantation.
8:23pm – Everyone makes fun of Brian Grazer’s hair. No one ever talks about his favorite hobby: necromancy.
8:25pm – I’ve been told the show is about to begin. I believe it when I see it.
8:26pm – According to the commercials, AT&T customers are douchebags who lord their faster wireless speed over others.
8:28pm – The Chick-fil-A cows also don’t care much for the gays.
8:30pm – Morgan Freeman brings the dignity. Time for a Dreamcatcher clip compilation.
8:31pm – Yeah, I’ll admit: I still chuckle at seeing Crystal edited into other movies.
8:33pm – Billy Crystal in blackface. Night: MADE.
8:34pm – So far: racism and shitting in sinks. This Oscars is looking up!
8:35pm – Is running through a maze of celluloid. Because, at the formerly-named “Kodak Theater”, film is really taking off over digital.
8:36pm – Why was Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close nominated? For the opening monologue jokes.
8:37pm – Billy Crystal should impersonate black people for the rest of the night.
8:38pm – Fat joke at the expense of Jonah Hill. Classy.
8:39pm – Cut to Terrence Malick! Oh, wait.
8:41pm – Haha! The elderly!
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Hugo
8:43pm – Wow. Get ready for a shitty night, people.
BEST ART DIRECTION: Hugo
8:45pm – Deserved. Not deserved: BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY.
8:47pm – Wow. Based off two categories, Hugo is going to win big tonight.
8:51pm – Time for the first of 29 nostalgia clip complications.
8:52pm – An ode to classic movies. Find the one that came out before 1955.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: The Artist
8:55pm – How can The Artist win Best Costumes? All the costumes were in black and white! (Crystal-calibur humor)
BEST MAKE-UP: The Iron Lady
8:58pm – Meryl Streep really did look like a famous person. That kind of imagination is mind-blowing.
8:59pm – Talk to me about the magic of movies, Adam Sandler.
9:01pm – I think Adam Sandler just voiced his desire to star in a remake of Zardoz.
9:02pm – I just jumped 30 years in the future. Actors were talking about the magic of watching movies OnDemand.
9:05pm – Best Foreign Language film, C’mon Bullhead.
BEST FOREIGN FILM: A Separation
9:07pm – A Separation taught me a valuable lesson: Iranians are people too.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Octavia Spencer - The Help
9:12pm – Hattie McDaniel is looking down from heaven and thinking, “Been there. Done that.”
9:18pm – Big points for bringing in the Christopher Guest crew.
9:20pm – It’s funny because focus groups are awful but Hollywood will continue to use them.
9:22pm – I see Burt Reynolds is here in spirit and that spirit has possessed Bradley Cooper.
BEST EDITING: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
9:24pm – Best Lethargic Pace and Lack of Tension: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
BEST SOUND EDITING: Hugo
9:25pm – I’m not going to pretend like I have an expert knowledge of sound editing and sound mixing. Good choice, I guess?
BEST SOUND MIXING: Hugo
9:28pm – Remember what I said about not understanding sound mixing? Still true.
9:31pm – So far, this is the worst Oscar ballot I’ve ever had, but it would have been that way even if I had held with conventional wisdom. It holds true to the Academy’s pledge to make the dumbest choices possible. Seriously: Dragon Tattoo.
9:34pm – The Muppets are on and I’m enjoying the Oscars. And now Cirque du Soleil, so that enjoyment is over.
9:35pm – Yep. This is what it feels like to go to the movies.
9:37pm – This is really impressive. I eat my words about not having the Cirque du Soleil experience translate to TV. Mmm…words.
9:40pm – Robert Downey Jr. just Tebow’d the Oscars. Love.
9:41pm – I like this sneak peek at Iron Man 3.
BEST DOCUMENTARY: Undefeated
9:43pm – Fine choice. My “Anything But Pina” campaign was a success.
9:45pm – Okay, Billy. Chris Rock will take it from here.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE: Rango
9:46pm – People at Pixar have no idea what’s happening right now.
9:52pm – C’mon, Emma Stone. Ben Stiller is busy not being funny and making crappy movies. Don’t bother him. (Seriously, can she just present every award for the rest of the night?)
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: Hugo
9:56pm – Hey. Now I know what a stroke sounds like.
9:59pm – If Nolte wins, I want him to belch his acceptance speech.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christopher Plummer – Beginners
10:04pm – Plummer’s speech was a breath of sorely need fresh air. Just a class act all the way, and with all the dignity and respect the Oscars thinks that it has.
10:06pm – Fair warning: my netbook is running out of juice faster than I expected. I may not make it to the end with you fine people. Know that I always loved yooooooou!
10:08pm – Holy shit! Nick Nolte can smile!
BEST SCORE: The Artist
10:14pm – Kim Novak is calling a rape-crisis counseling center right now.
BEST SONG: The Muppets
10:18pm – YES. [Insert Flight of the Conchords Reference Here]
10:20pm – So when do they hand out cigarettes to the audience? #Oscars
10:24pm – “The original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo?” You shouldn’t talk shit about Jon Voight, Billy Crystal.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: The Descendants
10:27pm – The Dean has an Oscar! Weave it into a plotline, Community.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: Midnight in Paris
10:29pm – Two great things: 1) Allen winning; 2) Choosing to go play jazz instead of showing up to accept the award.
10:34pm – My battery is almost spent! Switching to Tweet power! Follow me at @MattGoldberg!
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM: Saving Face
BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT FILM: The Shore
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
11:09pm – My live-blog is back up and running! Did I miss the hailing of the great and victorious dead?
11:11pm – I really like these montages because I want to know what famous people like about movies.
11:13pm – Oh good. We’re back to the thing where we talk directly to each acting nominee. These nominees are truly better than everyone else.
11:15pm – Seriously, this show could have ended at 11:00pm, but famous people need more attention. They’re like Uggie, but does anyone tell the dog why they love him so much? NO (but they should).
11:17pm -”Gary, I remember when you tried to kill me in The Professional. You are truly a master of your craft.”
BEST ACTOR – Jean Dujardin – The Artist
11:18pm – Conventional wisdom was the good way to go on this. Also, it means The Artist wins Best Picture. As for Dujardin, I’m perfectly okay that he won. Good performance, charming actor, and I’m excited to see what he’ll do next.
11:25pm -For a second thought I thought they were going to abbreviate this by having Firth say, “All you broads were great. The Oscar goes to…”
11:26pm – “Rooney, you pierced your nipples just as your performance pierced our hearts.”
BEST ACTRESS – Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady
11:29pm – Oscar #3 for Ms. Streep. Wish it was for a movie that wasn’t awful.
11:30pm – Man, people really like Margaret Thatcher. I thought she was a more divisive figure.
11:31pm – Again, The Iron Lady is crap, but Streep is giving a great speech. There’s a reason people like her so much and that she’s had so much staying power over the years. Now, I must go re-watch The River Wild.
BEST PICTURE: The Artist
11:36pm – We learned something important tonight: When it comes to predicting Oscar-winners, listen to Adam Chitwood. G’night!