Matt Live-Blogs the 85th Academy Awards

by     Posted 1 year, 205 days ago

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You’ve read our predictions, you’ve read all of our Oscar coverage, and tonight the winners of the 85th Academy Awards will be announced.  As I’ve done in past years, I will be live-blogging the ceremony and some of the red carpet.  Seth MacFarlane is hosting this year’s ceremony, and I’ve got a good feeling that he’ll do a solid job.  Of course, it’s the Oscars so there will be plenty of silliness both intended and unintended, and I’ll be providing my thoughts on all of it throughout the night.

My live-blogging will kick in around 8:00pm (EST) and then just keep refreshing the page for my latest thoughts on the 85th Academy Awards.  I’ll also be tweeting (cross-platform mockery!), and you can follow me on Twitter at @MattGoldberg.  We’re almost at the finish line of the 2013 awards race.  Let’s brave Hollywood’s self-congratulatory ceremony together.  The ceremony begins at 8:30pm (EST).

[All times Eastern]

8:00pm — It begins.  Jennifer Aniston is doing empty red carpet banner and wearing a nice dress.  It’s going to be a long night…

8:03pm — Is there something wrong with Kristin Chenoweth’s stomach?  Is she trying to keep Kuato in?

8:04pm — Halle Berry is proud to be a part of the Bond franchise.  And now she’s driving away in her invisible car.

8:06pm — George Clooney is preparing for his role as sexy Santa Claus.

8:10pm — I could switch over to E! for more red carpet coverage, but WHY.

8:12pm — Anne Hathaway’s dress is awful, therefore I am better than Anne Hathaway.

8:15pm — “Has Abraham Lincoln stayed with you in your heart?” “No, now I’m all about Millard Fillmore.”

8:18pm — Chenoweth is clinching her side more than Noomi Rapace in PROMETHEUS.  Someone has been using the Abortionator5000…

8:22pm — So are black monochrome tuxedos a thing now?

8:23pm — Holy shit!  The Oscars are on a table!  And they’re being polished?!  Everything before the show is so essential.

8:24pm — Hey guys, remember COLD MOUNTAIN?  If so, I’m sorry.

8:25pm — I’m waiting for the part of the ceremony where someone is handed an Oscar but it’s actually Chenoweth and she goes “Psych!” and runs away.

8:30pm — “And the quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh starts now.”  Good opener.

8:34pm — “If you bumped into Don Cheadle on the lot, would you try to free him?” That got a big laugh out of me.

8:35pm — How can we make this show get really weird, really fast?  William Shatner reprising his role as Captain Kirk.

8:38pm — And now a song about boobs.  I think I’m having a fever dream.

8:39pm — This opening is giving my brain whiplash.

8:41pm — This is the worst kind of self-deprecation.  It’s saying “I know the jokes are shitty, but at least I’m in on it.”

8:42pm — So the plan is to do something fucking awful and then something great?  Why not just ditch the obviously crappy parts?

8:45pm — And now a Flying Nun/Gidget joke.  Hoo-boy.

8:46pm — This is pandering-squared.  But hey, now they can’t get trashed by EW!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR — Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained

8:50pm — This is all part of an elaborate plan to get the bounty on Sally Field.

8:56pm — I want Paul Rudd to start doing his “Get on my dick” line repetition from Wanderlust.

BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM — Paperman

BEST ANIMATED FILM — Brave

8:59pm — Academy logic: When in doubt, Pixar.

9:02pm — Probably best to just group the Best Picture nominees into 3s.  Efficiency!

9:05pm — Yep.  That’s MacFarlane taking a good joke about Wallis’ age and driving it into the ground.

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY — Life of Pi

9:07pm — Snub #10 for Roger Deakins.

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS — Life of Pi

9:10pm — Last year, Rise of the Planet of the Apes was snubbed.  Academy prefers tigers to apes.

9:12pm — Cut his mic!  He’s talking about people who lost their jobs!

9:14pm — The next time they play someone off, I hope they do it to the Requiem for a Dream score.

9:16pm — START STRIPPING, TATUM.

BEST COSTUME DESIGN — Anna Karenina

BEST MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING — Les Miserables

9:20pm — Fun fact: They used Homer Simpson’s makeup gun for the hookers in Les Miserables.

9:22pm — And now a tribute to James Bond, a franchise with 23 films and only six of them are good.

9:24pm — I was kind of hoping for an interpretive dance tribute to James Bond.

9:32pm — The shorts?  On DVD?  We live in the future!

BEST SHORT FILM — Curfew

BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT FILM — Innocente

9:35pm — Didn’t see any of the documentary shorts, AND NEITHER DID YOU.

9:41pm — The fact that the audience cringed at a Lincoln’s death joke tells you everything you need to know about the Academy.

BEST DOCUMENTARY – Searching for Sugar Man

9:44pm — I’m conflicted about this win.  I really like Sugar Man, but Invisible War and 5 Broken Camera are important social documentaries.

9:49pm — And now, Amour and the other four foreign movies.

BEST FOREIGN FILM — Amour

9:52pm — Amour!  It’s so good, it hurts…hurts…

9:53pm — Hey, remember when Travolta dressed up like a fat lady and people thought it would give him a shot at an Oscar nomination?

9:54pm — I love Chicago.  Bring it, haters.

9:58pm — Eddie Murphy is going to walk out of the middle of the Dreamgirls number.

9:59pm — Hudson singing the number live is even better than when she does it in the movie.

10:00pm — And now you have to follow that, Les Miserables.  Godspeed.

10:01pm — Hey!  It’s that bad song that was written specifically so it could be nominated for an Oscar!

10:04pm — A fitting conclusion to the story of how Hollywood couldn’t quite get Les Miserables right.

10:10pm — Way to fish for that complement!  No one totally saw your gigantic blockbuster which is nominated for Best Song!

BEST SOUND MIXING — Les Miserables

10:12pm — “This is a real honor, especially when you consider half of the Academy doesn’t understand our profession.”

BEST SOUND EDITING — Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall

10:15pm — It’s a tie!  All Oscar pools are nullified!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS — Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables

10:23pm — And at the Academy museum, you’ll be able to go on Schindler’s List: The Ride!

BEST EDITING — Argo

10:33pm — I think Adam has only missed one category so far…

10:36pm — If you want to hear the other four Best Song nominees, use the Internet.

10:46pm — I was hoping the Silver Linings Playbook clip package would be just a supercut of Jacki Weaver saying “crabby snacks”.

10:47pm — They should have gone from the Amour clip package to the In Memoriam montage.

BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN — Lincoln

10:49pm — Very surprised that Anna Karenina didn’t win production design considering that it throws the sets in your face.

10:57pm — And now, it’s time to play, “Oh, right! He/she died!”

11:09pm — Who can forget the score to The Hoax?

BEST SCORE — Life of Pi

11:11pm — The more wins Life of Pi gets, the more I think Ang Lee is going to win Best Director.

11:14pm — As you can see, Life of Pi makes a great screensaver.

BEST SONG — Skyfall

11:16pm — EGOT, Adele!  You can do it!

11:23pm — How many horses had to die to get Dustin Hoffman to the stage?

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY — Argo

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY — Django Unchained

11:27pm — The Weinstein Company put all of their effort into Silver Linings Playbook, and Django is coming away with the awards.

BEST DIRECTOR — Ang Lee

11:35pm — Best Director AND Most Liked Director!  Also, ANG LEE WAS THE TIGER THE WHOLE TIME.

BEST ACTRESS — Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook

11:43pm — I blame other people for convincing me that Emmanuelle Riva was going to win.  I WAS SABOTAGED!

11:45pm — I wish Jennifer Lawrence was less classy so should could turn to Chastain and say, “I’m the motherfucker who found this Oscar.”

BEST ACTOR — Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln

11:48pm — I want someone to jump on stage and shout “Sic Semper Tyrannis!”

11:52pm — Michelle Obama is helping to present the nominees?  Librul conspiracy!

BEST PICTURE — Argo

11:55pm — I wanted Zero Dark Thirty to win so Barack Obama could pop on screen and go, “And I helped!”

11:58pm — Very moving acceptance speech from Ben Affleck.  He’s trembling.  I don’t think Argo deserved to win Best Picture, but I’ve always been a fan of the guy, and I’m happy for him.

12:00am — Good night!

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Comments:

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  • Dustin

    yay! make me laugh goldberg.

  • Jimmer

    No one cares goldberg. Despite yourself thinking you’re hilarious, ill pass :)

  • Pills26

    Yay! I was hoping you’d be back – especially since you gave the Golden Globes a miss. Seriously – your quips make any mediocre show hilarious.

  • Santiago

    Why does Goldberg, who cares very little for the type of films the academy recognizes, cover the oscars? Seriously, send someone who’ll at least keep their sarcastic and self-indulgent little remarks to himself/herself.

  • Siddhant Adlakha

    obligatory Matt Goldberg bashing because I am forced to click on his articles

  • Kale

    Don’t listen to the comments, like the George Clonney joke.

  • Kale

    So far Adam got it right!

  • Bert

    BRAVE was a poor choice. PIRATES & PARANORMAN were much stronger films

  • Faiz

    shut the fuck up Goldberg

    • Um, Sure

      Yeah Goldberg! And quit hog tying people like Faiz and forcing them to click on your “Live Oscar Blog.”

  • Person

    Curious to know which six Bond movies Goldberg claims are good…

    • http://collider.com Matt Goldberg

      From Russia with Love
      Goldfinger
      On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
      GoldenEye
      Casino Royale
      Skyfall

      • Person

        Ah, solid list. No Licence to Kill or Spy Who Loved Me?

  • Mandy

    Chicago…

  • Evan

    Get AIDS and die Goldberg. I was happy to see your fat ass
    cut out of “Warm Bodies”

  • Die Goldberg Die!

    You are such a sad hateful man, Matt. Why Matt, why? Did the first girl that ever saw your d**k just laugh at it because it was so small, and then you just decided, “F**k it, I’ll become a sh**y online movie reviewer and shove my opinions down everyone’s throats!”

  • Keegan

    MacFarlane’s been hilarious man. I don’t know why you’re dogging on him so much. And, for that matter, the whole ceremony. Come on man. Just learn to appreciate it.

    Oh and here’s hoping Tommy Lee Jones doesn’t kill himself tonight

  • pj

    Do you do your own comedy? Cause let me tell you, funny you are not

  • junierizzle

    Try as might Goldberg but the Oscars have been good this year. You didn’t like Mcfalrlane’ s opening? Now I know you’re reaching.

  • Albert

    I WAS ALSO SABOTAGED BY THE COLLIDER STAFF INTO BELIEVING THAT EMMANUELLE RIVA WAS GONNA WIN

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