Like any good Oscar ceremony, the 83rd Academy Awards will most likely drag on unto infinity. Categories will blend together and you’ll find yourself waiting to see who wins “Best Costume Design for a Live-Action Short Starring Winter’s Bone“. I’m trying to stop myself from being on auto-snark and hoping that the show is genuinely entertaining. I find hosts Anne Hathaway and James Franco to be charming so hopefully they’ll have some good material. Last year, I didn’t expect much from Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin and I thought they did a terrific job. While the Oscars are a show for rich people to congratulate themselves on a job well done, the host doesn’t have to tear the room down to make us poor slobs at home feel better. There’s a balancing act and hopefully Hathaway and Franco can pull it off.
So get your Oscar ballots ready and hit the jump as I live-blog the 83rd Academy Awards. Also, you can click here for my predictions.
[All Times PM Eastern]
7:39 – I said I wouldn’t be on auto-snark for the Oscar ceremony. I made no promises about the pre-show, which is clearly produced by Satan.
7:42 – Warren Beatty, what’s it like to be an appendage?
7:44 – It looks like someone did a half-ass job of cremating Valentino.
7:51 – Mark Wahlberg, would you like to apologize to everyone for Max Payne? No? Okay. Moving on.
7:56 – Source Code looks like a great movie if you don’t like Jake Gyllenhaal since he apparently gets destroyed many, many times.
8:00 – Wait. The show starts at 8:30?! We have another half-hour of pre-show? NO. NO. NO.
8:05 – It looks like James Franco wants to host the Oscars stoned. I believe that’s how Bob Hope did it.
8:14 – Gwyneth, your clear attempt at Oscar bait failed miserably at getting you a nomination. I don’t have a question. I just wanted to say that.
8:15 – Christian, is there anyone here that you’re finished with, professionally?
8:23 – I’m still glad Roberto Benigni is gone/not-famous.
8:26 – Yes, having Steven Spielberg perform the functions of your beleaguered assistant is a good sign.
8:30 – Okay, now let the real show begin.
8:31 – Ah. The edit-the-hosts into the other movies open. A tried-and-true classic.
8:35 – “I have good news from the future. Microphones get smaller.” The first good joke of the show.
8:36 – And now…Back to the Future for some reason.
8:38 – “Oh my God! You’re all real!” Well, parts of them, Ms. Hathaway.
8:41 – Isn’t the opening monologue supposed to have jokes?
8:43 – Ah, Titanic. A film that’s pretty much irrelevant today.
BEST ART DIRECTION: ALICE IN WONDERLAND
8:45 – Alice in Wonderland really did have impressive art direction…provided you’ve never seen a Tim Burton movie before.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: INCEPTION
8:48 – I lose again! Not upset that Pfister won, but seriously, Deakins deserved this.
8:51 – Ah, this is the point in the show where everyone in the audience claims to be Spartacus.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Melissa Leo, THE FIGHTER
8:58 – And now you have an image of Melissa Leo and Kirk Douglas fucking. Thanks, Oscars.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM: THE LOST THING
9:04 – So happy this won. While Day & Night is great, this was easily the best of the nominees.
BEST ANIMATED FILM: TOY STORY 3
9:06 – And Best Pixar Film in a Pixar Film for Outstanding Pixar Film goes to Toy Story 3.
9:12 – I’m so glad that the Oscars are taking time to congratulate their own history. They rarely do that except every year.
9:13 – So apparently Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin will be taking people’s drink orders.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY: THE SOCIAL NETWORK
9:14 – Aaron Sorkin should give his acceptance speech while walking towards the camera.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY: THE KING’S SPEECH
9:19 – Christopher Hitchens is so pissed off right now. It’s not historically accurate, you know.
9:24 – James Franco in a dress and a Charlie Sheen joke! Will this night get any wittier? (Seriously. Will it?)
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: IN A BETTER WORLD
9:27 – This film left me cold, but it’s not a terrible movie by any means.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christian Bale, THE FIGHTER
9:32 – I don’t know why Bale wore a disguise to the awards. That fake beard isn’t fooling anyone.
9:34 – And my wonderful wife, whose name escapes me at the moment.
9:40 – Please, please, please show Al Jolson in blackface.
9:42 – What scores will join these masterpieces? (provided said score followed the Academy’s arbitrary rules)
BEST SCORE: THE SOCIAL NETWORK
9:45 – I wish Reznor had said in his speech that he would fuck the Academy like an animal.
BEST SOUND MIXING: INCEPTION
9:48 – The Academy can pause to suck its own dick every year, but not to explain the difference between sound mixing and sound editing.
BEST SOUND EDITING: INCEPTION
9:49 – Folks on Twitter are suddenly talking about Inception winning Best Picture because it currently has the most wins of the night so far. I like the movie, but it’s not going to win the big award. That became a certainty the moment Christopher Nolan wasn’t nominated for Best Director.
BEST MAKE-UP: THE WOLFMAN
9:57 – Oscar-winner The Wolfman. SAY IT.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN: ALICE IN WONDERLAND
10:00 – Thought The King’s Speech would take this. Again, it looks like no one in the Academy has seen a Tim Burton movie before.
10:01 – If you sing “My Heart Will Go On” to someone who just had heart surgery, that sounds like mockery.
10:07 – I like that they just apparently gave up on the Best Song category half-way through and then played random congressional testimony on the financial crisis.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT: STRANGERS NO MORE
10:14 – If you actually saw this film, how was it?
BEST LIVE-ACTION SHORT: GOD OF LOVE
10:18 – God of Love? Seriously? It feels like a long commercial.
10:19 – Ricky Gervais ruined the Oscars. The “backlash” made every joke at the Oscars painfully tame and offensive to no one.
10:20 -That’s right. Oprah’s air is better than normal people’s air.
BEST DOCUMENTARY: INSIDE JOB
10:21 – Oh my god. It’s like all that stuff about whether or not Banksy will get to go on stage was meaningless.
10:29 – The audience is bored by this toothless affair that they’re actually cheering Billy Crystal’s Story Time.
10:33 – I wanted to give this show a chance. I really did. It’s just been awful.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS: INCEPTION
10:34 – Another gimme. If only the sound and visual effects awards were any indicator of Best Picture success.
BEST EDITING: THE SOCIAL NETWORK
10:36 – The King’s Speech has only won one award so far tonight, but I still think it’s going to win Best Picture.
10:41 – So will the In Memoriam include clips from tonight’s ceremony?
10:43 – C’mon everyone! You know the words! ASAY FE AH LAH AHA SAFEY!
BEST SONG: TOY STORY 3
10:46 – The term “best” should be used very loosely with this category.
10:50 – I want to apologize to everyone watching the Oscars at home. I didn’t do anything wrong, but I feel that someone should apologize.
10:53 – These people are dead and they’re having Celine Dion sing? Wouldn’t it be kinder to just piss on the corpses?
10:55 – They can’t smile, Celine. They’re fucking dead.
10:56 – And now, a salute to trailblazer Lena Horne. We would have one of this year’s black acting nominees deliver this intro but…you know…there aren’t any.
11:01 – Please welcome 2-time Oscar-winner and non-stop Oscar-baiter Hilary Swank.
BEST DIRECTOR: Tom Hooper, THE KING’S SPEECH
11:04 – I once got in a “Triangle of Man Love”. It was sticky.
11:12 – Oh, good. We’re going to devote 20 minutes to the Best Actor and Best Actress categories.
11:15 – Aw. Judging only by that clip, Black Swan looks like a really sweet and heartwarming film.
BEST ACTRESS: Natalie Portman, BLACK SWAN
11:20 – If you worked on Black Swan and Portman didn’t thank you, she probably hates you.
BEST ACTOR: Colin Firth, THE KING’S SPEECH
11:25 – If you didn’t bet that Firth would win this category, you weren’t paying attention. I don’t blame you for that.
11:32 – I would be more impressed if a T-Rex came out to present the night’s final award. And then just started eating everyone.
11:33 – Yes, King Edward’s speech that comforted England as it entered WWII should totally be used for a bunch of Oscar nominees.
BEST PICTURE: THE KING’S SPEECH
11:36 – I BOW OUT.