So here we are again; here we are at last. The Academy Awards are airing tonight, and once again I will be live-blogging them.
You may wonder why anyone would live-blog when we have this glorious invention called “Twitter”. First, some comments are longer than 140 characters, and I don’t want to be one of those “(cont.)” tweeters. Second, this article will also be updated with the night’s winners, so rather than having to scroll through Twitter trying to find who won, you can just refresh this page. Third, you can share in the comments section rather than yell into the void of Twitter.
8:27 — Okay, people. Let’s do this thing. LET’S WATCH A TV SHOW.
8:30 — 5 seconds in and this year’s show is already better than the one Seth MacFarlane hosted.
8:31 — And now we’ve got a musical number! Hooray for NPH!
8:33 — So it looks like we’re going to get an “Aren’t movies great?”-year as opposed to a “Ha! Aren’t we above this shit?”-hypocritical year.
8:38 — These Oscars are for meeeeee!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – J.K. Simmons for Whiplash
8:42 — That’s my tempo.
8:44 — Really lovely sentiment from Simmons about calling your parents. Not sure why he had to smack Neil Patrick Harris in the face while saying it.
8:46 — Octavia Spencer: Watch this box. It’s a better job than Red Band Society.
8:47 — Oh, for fuck’s sake, the Academy. Stop pretending like you’re above blockbusters.
8:48 — Aren’t Grand Budapest Hotel and American Sniper really just two sides of the same coin?
8:50 — We might be in for a night of NPH apologizing for crappy jokes.
8:53 — We’re 23 minutes into the show and they’ve given out one award. Hoo boy.
8:57 — Okay, so the theme tonight is to rag on the thing that makes Hollywood run like CGI and blockbusters.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN – The Grand Budapest Hotel
8:59 — It took great talent to make all those costumes perfectly symmetrical.
9:00 — You can hear NPH dying inside having to make these jokes.
BEST MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING – The Grand Budapest Hotel
9:02 — Great callout to Dick Smith.
9:09 — I don’t believe Nicole Kidman could play Chiwetel Ejiofor. I believe Chiwetel Ejiofor could play Nicole Kidman.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – Ida
9:11 — “If you didn’t want us to play you off, maybe you should have worked on your English.” — Guy in the control booth.
9:14 — Wow, they’re really making these Best Picture nominees sound riveting.
9:18 — The director of MacGruber is on stage at the Oscars.
9:19 — No matter what happens, the Oscars will have this amazing performance of “Everything Is Awesome.”
9:25 — And now to wreck your ballot, shorts!
BEST SHORT FILM (LIVE-ACTION) – The Phone Call
9:27 — They’re saying something important about crisis centers. PLAY THEM OFF.
BEST DOCUMENTARY (SHORT SUBJECT) – Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1
9:30 — Remember this win because you don’t know how long it will be until the Academy recognizes female directors again.
9:31 — Credit to this year’s Oscars: They’re not cutting mics during acceptance speeches.
9:35 — Proof that terrible jokes are still terrible even if you get David Oyelowo to say them.
9:41 — We’re 1 hour and 11 minutes into the show, and they’ve given out seven awards.
9:45 — We can’t tell you what a “voxel” is, but whatever. That shit is for nerds. Non-telegenic nerds.
BEST SOUND MIXING – Whiplash
9:48 — How long until Damien Chazelle is gobbled up to do a franchise movie?
BEST SOUND EDITING – American Sniper
9:49 — “We couldn’t have done it without you, Fake Baby. You were truly our inspiration.”
9:51 — And now proof that Oscar prestige is fleeting, Jared Leto.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – Patricia Arquette for Boyhood
9:56 — Everyone in that room is applauding equal pay for women. Let’s check back next year and see how they followed up on that.
9:59 — Duvall is not amused by your jokes, NPH.
10:03 — “I was doing fake medicine before you were a thought, Elgort and Moritz.”
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS – Interstellar
10:04 — The apes won’t forget.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT – Feast
10:07 — Never bet against adorable animated dogs.
BEST ANIMATED FILM – Big Hero 6
10:11 — And there’s your first upset of the night, ladies and gentlemen.
10:17 — And now welcome the woman who said “Dick Poop”.
10:19 — “I want to talk about The Interview without actually saying ‘The Interview’.”
BEST PRODUCTION DESIGN – The Grand Budapest Hotel
10:24 — I’ll admit: Harris pooping in a hat in A Million Ways to Die in the West cracked me up.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – Birdman
10:26 — Slowly but surely, we’re clawing our way through this endless ceremony. There’s no Lifetime Achievement Award this year, right? Right?
10:31 — Brace yourselves: In Memoriam section.
10:37 — We don’t need Jennifer Hudson singing. Just fade to commercial in silence.
10:41 — In case you missed it, the Academy ignored Joan Rivers, although they were happy to have her boost their red carpet coverage every year.
10:43 — They also forgot Harold Fucking Ramis. But hey, they made sure to honor two marketing executives because we know how important marketing executives are to the craft of cinema.
BEST EDITING – Whiplash
10:44 — Good editing. Didn’t put together 12 years into a movie, but good editing.
10:48 — Terrence Howard REALLY liked Imitation Game or the teleprompter fucked up big time.
BEST DOCUMENTARY – Citizenfour
10:53 — We honor you, Edward Snowden…while also calling you a traitor? Who wrote this garbage? Regardless of what you think of Snowden, this is just awful writing.
10:58 — That briefcase joke is killing them in absolutely nowhere.
11:02 — So far, I can count the good moments from this Oscars on one hand. That Selma performance is one of them.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG – “Glory” from Selma
11:06 — Well, you can technically say “Oscar-winning film, Selma”. It just deserves more Oscars.
11:08 — “There are more black men in correctional facilities today than there were under slavery in 1850.” I’m glad John Legend tried to teach the audience something about racial injustice before we went to learn about how Sprint will cut your cell phone rate plan. [Corrected to say “1850” instead of “1950”]
11:13 — We’ll still be talking about the Oscars tomorrow because this show will still be going tomorrow.
11:18 — This is so random. I have nothing against The Sound of Music, but this show is already running super fucking long.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – The Grand Budapest Hotel
11:24 — Finally, a win for Alexandre Desplat! Between the two, I would have given it to him for Imitation Game, but Budapest is good too.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY – Birdman
11:31 — Birdman was a screenplay full of hamfisted pontificating, editorializing, and smug self-satisfaction. Sounds about right for the Oscars.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY – The Imitation Game
11:37 — The screenplay for The Imitation Game is smoothed at every corner. That being said, if Moore’s acceptance speech helps just one person, the win is worth it.
BEST DIRECTOR – Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu for Birdman
11:42 — Never bet against Hollywood’s self-love. Hollywood’s self-love built the Oscars.
BEST ACTOR – Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything
11:51 — For hitting the real-person/disability/physical transformation trifecta!
11:53 — Redmayne is really helping the Academy put together their ads for next year’s Oscars.
11:54 — Look! It’s Matthew McConaughey’s hero from last year!
BEST ACTRESS – Julianne Moore for Still Alice
12:00 — Seriously, what is up with the smooth jazz for Still Alice.
12:01 — I never thought I would say this, but here it is: “NO ONE CARES, NEIL.”
12:03 — Remember yesterday when we cared about this show?
BEST PICTURE – Birdman
12:05 — Thank fuck it’s over. Thanks for sticking with me if you read this.