Patton Oswalt Is Gay For Jason Stathan

     January 6, 2009




Written by Nicole Pedersen



We here at Collider have always been big fans of both Jason Statham and the movie “Crank”. Others, it would seem are just catching on.


Take this recent MySpace Blog posting entitled “Gay-Tham for Statham” by Patton Oswalt… he’s the one on “King of Queens” qho looks like puberty missed him by that much. Anyway, Patton just caught “Crank” on Showtime and was moved to immortalize what he witnessed in the forever prose of his personal blog. Here are some of the choicer quotes:



Statham’s imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It’s a promise that says, “I promise that you will not FOR ONE SECOND be bored during one of my movies. You won’t learn shit about the human condition, or feel a collective connection with the brotherhood of man. But if you give me $10, I will fuck an explosion while a Slayer song plays”.



The comedian then goes on to imagine what some of this year’s Oscar contenders would look like had Statham been involved. If you can imagine Jason fucking Kate Winslet while simultaneously beating Leonardo DiCaprio with a TV tray (all set to the strains of Motorhead of course) then you’re obviously feeling Mr Oswalt. Here are a few of the other Jason reboots Patton came up with:



CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON: Jason Statham injects the backward-aging man-freak with a Sino/Chilean rage compound, and they fight in lava pit.



FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost’s skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies.



FROST/NIXON: Jason Statham pulls off David Frost’s skin, drops him into a tank of sea salt, and then Statham and Nixon rent a limo and drive across country, shotgunning hippies.



For more of Oswalt’s song of Statham, check out his MySpace blog here




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