PERCY JACKSON & THE OLYMPIANS: THE LIGHTNING THIEF Review

by     Posted 4 years, 253 days ago

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Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief wants you to cheer for three characters who don’t know how to count.  Leave aside the tired hero’s journey (Have a crappy life? It turns out you’re actually special and a cool new life awaits!  Jackpot!), the awful special effects, the forgettable characters, and the complete lack of wonder Greek myths set in the modern world should offer, and you still have three protagonists who don’t know that three is less than four.  Percy Jackson wants to be the next Harry Potter, but The Boy Who Lived knows how to count higher than two and in his first adventure he’s five years younger Jackson.  Percy Jackson may be special, but it’s in that condescending way meant to imply learning disabilities.

percy_jackson_olympians_lightning_thief_movie_image_01.jpgIt turns out that Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) literally suffers from learning disabilities.  He’s dyslexic and he has ADHD.  He’s also an outcast and has a crummy home-life.  What does this all mean?  He’s a demigod, the son of Poseidon, and now the suspected thief of Zeus’ lightning bolt.  This is all news to Percy but it turns out his seemingly handicapped friends are his guardians with the wheelchair-bound museum guide Mr. Brunner (Pierce Brosnan) turns out to be a centaur named Chiron, and Percy’s crutch-wielding best friend Grover (Brandon T. Jackson) is a satyr.  So remember: next time you see a kid with learning disabilities, he’s probably a demigod, and your paraplegic friends may be fooling you to hide their mythological creature parts, so it’s best to pull down their pants and check.

All of these are a lot for young Percy and he’s being hunted down for the lightning bolt he doesn’t have.   Percy is whisked away to Hogwarts Camp Half Blood, a camp for wizards demigods by his mom Sally (Catherine Keener) and Grover, but before they can all get away safely, Mama Jackson is seemingly killed by a minotaur.  Percy manages to defeat the minotaur, but then passes out for three days.  When he awakens, he seems pretty bummed about his mom’s death, but is quick to join in the exhilaration and fun of kids wearing battle armor and sword fighting.  He also becomes smitten with Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), who is a daughter of Athena and a “master of battle strategy.”  During a game of capture the flag, Annabeth thinks she’s defeated Percy but neglects to notice that he’s fallen next to a stream.  Percy, the son of Poseidon (and everyone at the camp knows this), God of the Seas (and other bodies of water), is next to the source of his father’s power; powers that Percy shares.  So he touches the water, heals, gets stronger, and despite having no training in swordfighting, he defeats her, proving once and for all that women don’t know how to fight and have no place in on the battlefield.  However, they’re sure great for ogling.

Centaur Brosnan later informs Percy that the Lightning Bolt must be returned to Olympus within ten days or else the gods will go to war and that will destroy the world.  He also tells Percy that his mother is not dead but is a prisoner of Hades in the underworld.  Chiron’s sensible strategy: go to Olympus and explain that Percy doesn’t have the bolt (why he’s even accused of having it in the first place is unclear).  After that’s settled, they’ll find a way to get Hades to release Percy’s mother from the underworld.  Percy’s strategy: fuck the world, go to the underworld himself, and rescue his Mommy.

percy_jackson_olympians_lightning_thief_movie_image_02.jpgPercy, accompanied by Grover and Annabeth because Grover is his guardian and Annabeth loves a man who can put her in her place, discovers that getting into the underworld isn’t difficult, but getting out is a bit of a challenge.  However, there are items known as Persephone’s Pearls that will can teleport a person out of the underworld if they crush the pearl with their foot.  These pearls are located around the country and armed with a magic map, they can find them.  So Percy, Grover, and Annabeth now have their quest: find three pearls so they can rescue Percy’s mom and still get out of the underworld.

To recap: Percy, Grover, Annabeth, and Sally need a way to escape from the underworld.  A pearl allows one person to escape.  Percy, Grover, and Annabeth set out to find three pearls.  They’re trying to get four people out of the underworld.  These are our heroes.

But if you don’t mind having your lead characters be complete idiots, you get to follow them to three different locations, each with its own pearl and each with a battle against a monster of myth before they can obtain the treasure.  And whether it’s dealing with Medusa, fighting a hydra, or escaping from the Lotus Eaters, the only one who can save the day is Percy.  It would be like Harry fighting the forces of evil on his own with Hermoine and Ron being deadweight.  Percy Jackson is brave, handsome, and afraid of nothing, probably because he’s stupid beyond all reason and he’s automatically good at everything.

There is nothing good about Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief.  Chris Columbus’ direction is lousy, the fight scenes are dull when they’re not laughable (there’s a scene where Percy’s fighting in mid-air that is hilarious in its ineptitude), the CG is cheap, and aside from the fact that these characters would fail kindergarten-level math, they’re also too dense to realize that even if they do get out of the underworld, the world is going to end anyway because they didn’t spend their time explaining the situation to Zeus or trying to uncover who really stole the lightning bolt.  Percy Jackson & The Olympians thinks it could be the next Harry Potter-level movie franchise, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Rating: F




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  • Allm0st

    Rofl I would expect no less from a movie that attempted to sell itself as “the next Harry Potter!”.

  • purplek

    YOU ARE A F****N IDIOT!! PERCY JACKSON IS AWESOME BEYOND AWESOMENESS!!

  • http://ciclotimia.blogspot.com [A]

    woo-hoo — I wasn't gonna see this anyway..

  • http://ciclotimia.blogspot.com [A]

    lol..?

  • http://twitter.com/FurryWolfen Joseph Greene

    Uh oh, reviews seem to be pretty mixed. I think I'll just go see The Wolfman instead this weekend.
    Arrooooo

  • Bloggerman

    Good thing nobody reads go to this site, because this review is a piece o' bull**** !!

    • Guest

      fuck u this movie sucks

  • sneaks

    I'm concerned that the CG looked “cheap” to you, because the company that did them (Digital Domain) won the Academy Award for VFX for Benjamin Button. All in all, you're mainly saying you don't like the story, which is honestly beside the point when the movie is an adaptation… and who am I to disagree with millions of fans of the book series? The geeky-kid turned hero is not a new theme, even for Harry Potter. I honestly hope such a poorly written review does not reflect anyone's willingness to see this film. (albeit a children's one)

  • Samdaman785

    Columbus basically re wrote the entire book with Harry Potterish themes, the book was great and Riordan came up with it in 1997! Before Harry Potter! Columbus completely ruined a great book series because he wanted to have his own story.

  • Samdaman785

    Oh yeah, also Rick Riordan came up with the story to make his son (who has ADHD and is Dyslexic) feel better! So um…is that a bad thing Mr. Reviewer?

  • Corin Prendiville

    Yes, sneaks… because we all know millions of starving idiots can't be wrong (Twilight fans), the masses consuming BS does not make it right or quality (Hitler and his 10 lb bag of crap sure fooled Germany).

    Furthermore, just because someone wins an academy award for special effects does not mean that all of their movies have good special effects. Under that logic Peter Jackson should only ever make good movies because he won googles of Academy Awards for Lord of the Rings… but, oh wait, he just released The Lovely Bones, a pretty much failed directorial effort (despite Tucci's perfect performance).

  • Corin Prendiville

    So where exactly is AWESOMENESS in relation to AMAZINGNESS?

  • Corin Prendiville

    I've been seeing comments like this quite often lately, and I just wonder where people get off saying this. I think the statement has even less power when the guy commenting can't even formulate a complete sentence correctly.

  • sneaks

    The visual effects in most cases have absolutely nothing to do with the director. Peter Jackson is the rare exception where a director actually owns and operates a VFX facility. I'm disappointed if the FX are indeed bad because I know a lot of talented people worked on this movie and I'm wondering if the budget was low or if bad direction was to blame.

    From a business perspective the Twilight movies were very successful and I try not to judge children's movies on the same merit points as adult ones. I was hoping that this film could at least hold up by those standards, but it seems to have failed in that respect as well.

  • Gloria

    I hate you the movie was awesome and the characters WERE SMART! You'd probably fail kindergarden math if you took it again! Take that!

    • Jakethesnakeking22

      you sir are retarded

  • http://anynaseo.com/ bianca

    a great movie! I was skeptical at the beginning, but after 5 minutes I was captivated.

  • roxasblaze

    i have seen the movie

  • neville

    You make me laugh Gloria, Matt is right, th book stunk and the movie stunk worse. PJO does not deserve another chance in theaters. P.S. samdaman HP was published in 1997. Riordan still wrote PJO after Hp came out. P.S.S. Ripoff!

  • hcvl

    i thnk they acting's immature …….. uncommon face expressions……also some parts of the movie is sooo childish. It gt gud effects but not very good acting.
    jst my idea……not a very exciting movie

  • hcvl

    + the parts where percy pick the flag is really weird cz one moment he's an goofy kid…..& now the whole team counts on him……….common……. Anyway the movie dsnt hv a good start……..we don't know what's the reason percy to be accused :S :S !!………..
    & at the casino when percy say that they will be traped forever………other 2 suddnly come with a gaze………no sign of trouble or not at all.suddnly the whole plan peaks into them. It looks stupid……… & rly i tthought underworld will be exciting….bt it turn into a stupid scean too…………& why on the world does the lightning theif use percy to take the bolt, without doing it himself.& letting percy screw :S :S

    • emily

      now thats something i so agree with.

  • hcvl

    i thnk they acting's immature …….. uncommon face expressions……also some parts of the movie is sooo childish. It gt gud effects but not very good acting.
    jst my idea……not a very exciting movie

  • hcvl

    + the parts where percy pick the flag is really weird cz one moment he's an goofy kid…..& now the whole team counts on him……….common……. Anyway the movie dsnt hv a good start……..we don't know what's the reason percy to be accused :S :S !!………..
    & at the casino when percy say that they will be traped forever………other 2 suddnly come with a gaze………no sign of trouble or not at all.suddnly the whole plan peaks into them. It looks stupid……… & rly i tthought underworld will be exciting….bt it turn into a stupid scean too…………& why on the world does the lightning theif use percy to take the bolt, without doing it himself.& letting percy screw :S :S

  • Jaredpedfan

    ITS NOT THAT BAD, I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!!call me an idiot but its in my top five.and u know what, it doesn't matter if its not the same as the book , because its NOT THE BOOK,ITS THE MOVIE!!!! so get over that already. And the only thing i can agree is that its NOT rite that in every battle Persy is the one that gets everyone out, Annabeth and grover should be there to!!!!!

    O AND ANOTHER THING , you can say i have no taste aether but I LIKE THIS MORE THEN HARRY POTTER and in fact I CAN'T STAND HARRY POTTER!!!! and so does everyone else in my class.

    • Jakethesnakeking22

      ok i understand its a movie not the book but the took the name from the book and didnt keep anything from the story wat so ever so plz just stfu

  • Jaredpedfan

    ITS NOT THAT BAD, I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!!call me an idiot but its in my top five.and u know what, it doesn't matter if its not the same as the book , because its NOT THE BOOK,ITS THE MOVIE!!!! so get over that already. And the only thing i can agree is that its NOT rite that in every battle Persy is the one that gets everyone out, Annabeth and grover should be there to!!!!!

    O AND ANOTHER THING , you can say i have no taste aether but I LIKE THIS MORE THEN HARRY POTTER and in fact I CAN'T STAND HARRY POTTER!!!! and so does everyone else in my class.

  • Jaredpedfan

    ITS NOT THAT BAD, I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!!call me an idiot but its in my top five.and u know what, it doesn't matter if its not the same as the book , because its NOT THE BOOK,ITS THE MOVIE!!!! so get over that already. And the only thing i can agree is that its NOT rite that in every battle Persy is the one that gets everyone out, Annabeth and grover should be there to!!!!!

    O AND ANOTHER THING , you can say i have no taste aether but I LIKE THIS MORE THEN HARRY POTTER and in fact I CAN'T STAND HARRY POTTER!!!! and so does everyone else in my class.

  • Jaredpedfan

    ITS NOT THAT BAD, I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!!call me an idiot but its in my top five.and u know what, it doesn't matter if its not the same as the book , because its NOT THE BOOK,ITS THE MOVIE!!!! so get over that already. And the only thing i can agree is that its NOT rite that in every battle Persy is the one that gets everyone out, Annabeth and grover should be there to!!!!!

    O AND ANOTHER THING , you can say i have no taste aether but I LIKE THIS MORE THEN HARRY POTTER and in fact I CAN'T STAND HARRY POTTER!!!! and so does everyone else in my class.

  • Liz H

    I loved this movie! it is nothing like harry potter! everyone needs to stop being so hung up on this harry potter thing! This movie was awesome the characters were great. Don`t get me started on the characters. They rnt stupid! they can do math and stuff…they are what 16?and if were percy what would u do? go to zeus or save ur mom? this movie was awesome! it beats harry potter in my world. harry potter is so old and ppl r looking for something new and exciting. This movie was funny entertaining and exciting! i was interested the whole time unlike with potter you sometimes get bored in certain parts not this movie! it actually keeps you awake for the whole thing! and Annabeth and grover do so help percy out when fighting battles by creating distractions and giving pointing helpers! Move on cuz harry potter is soo over!

  • Liz H

    I loved this movie! it is nothing like harry potter! everyone needs to stop being so hung up on this harry potter thing! This movie was awesome the characters were great. Don`t get me started on the characters. They rnt stupid! they can do math and stuff…they are what 16?and if were percy what would u do? go to zeus or save ur mom? this movie was awesome! it beats harry potter in my world. harry potter is so old and ppl r looking for something new and exciting. This movie was funny entertaining and exciting! i was interested the whole time unlike with potter you sometimes get bored in certain parts not this movie! it actually keeps you awake for the whole thing! and Annabeth and grover do so help percy out when fighting battles by creating distractions and giving pointing helpers! Move on cuz harry potter is soo over!

  • this movie sucks dick

    Fuck this movie it was nothin like the book

  • Btskeen

    For one in the book series he starts out at 12 years old. The movie may not have lived up to the standards the book did but harry potter didnt eather. Two harry potter had so little real action you had to get by on the story line witch wasnt as original as you act. Three the movie wasnt as good as the first harry potter but could beat out the rest becouse of its action and quick turn to love intrest that took 5 books to bring out in harry potter. I dont like the way this movie ended but if they had went by how the book ended they would have set up perfectly for a sequal and would have made the rest of the movie seem realy captivating.

  • Jerkk

    this movie is the best i will kill my self to be one of the gods

  • Nina Shayne

    They just have so many things changed that it became unclear… i’ve read the whole series and its very understandable.. why percy was suspected..evrything..it was clear..

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