Rob Cohen Goes MEDIEVAL Instead Of XXX

For those out there who thought that we desperately needed another “XXX” movie and that only auteur Rob Cohen could return the franchise to its former glory, prepare to suck on some disappointment.  Rob Cohen has decided NOT to direct “XXX: The Return of Xander Cage” and will instead direct “Medieval”.  If you want to take this moment to kill yourself, I won’t stop you.  It is indeed tragic news worthy of shuffling loose the mortal coil.

Okay, now that I’ve done my best to remove as many “XXX” fans from the gene pool as possible, the plot of “Medieval” according to Cohen is “The Magnificent Seven” set in the Middle Ages.  The Variety article mentions that Cohen studied anthropology and European History at Harvard.  Taking the time to check that there wasn’t another, far-less-prestigious Harvard, I think the many high school students rejected by the prestigious university should now take solace in the fact that going to Harvard is clearly no guarantee of success or even ability.  I know this because Cohen, a film director, said “‘The Magnificent Seven’ set in the Middle Ages” instead of “‘The Seven Samurai’ set in the European Middle Ages” because as everyone knows, “The Magnificent Seven” is a remake.  But hey, why reference the Kurosawa film.  That would just make you look knowledgeable.

You know, I hate to say this but I think “XXX” fans may have dodged a bullet.  But hey, maybe “Medieval” will feature an evil catapult.