We’ve Got a Description of the STAR WARS: EPISODE 1 – THE PHANTOM MENACE Trailer!

     April 1, 2015

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It’s been well over a decade since we got a new Star Wars movie and… I still can’t quite believe we’re getting a new one after all this time. So while we wait for Star Wars: The Phantom Menace to finally unspool next May, we’ve got a little treat for you. Reader BobaFett123 has written in with a description of the first trailer from the film, which is set to premiere in front of Brad Pitt’s mega-blockbuster Meet Joe Black this weekend. You can take this with a grain of salt, but we’re fairly sure it’s true. Something to be excited for? Harrison motherfucking Ford narrates the trailer!

star-wars-the-phantom-menace-posterBobaFett123 writes in:

“hey guys! Check it out. So my brother works as a projectionist at {REDACTED} in Gainesville, Florida and he just got that whack Brad Pitt movie in. But guess what fun trailer is attached?

 

THE PHANTOM FUCKIN MENASE yo!

 

So he has be down to watch (made me bring a joint) and we checked that shit out early.

 

First of all, it starts with a BANG. No title cards or Lucasfilm cards or any of that shit. We see the Millenium Falcon crashlanding on a water planet. Harrison Ford (YES, dudes) does some voiceover “Even longer ago in a galaxy even further away” — this is where I jizzed my pants — “a phantom menace has awoken.”

 

Then we see Ewen McGregor stumbling out of the Millenium Falcon as it’s like, sinking in the water. Full Obi-Wan beard. Then, in a small fishing craft a few hundred yards away we see a dude in a leather vest fishing, cleeaaarrrrllllllyyyyyy Han Solo’s dad. He speeds his fishing craft over and rescues Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan looks at the sinking Falcon. “Thanks” he says. Then he tosses him like a wireless key for the ship. “If you can salvage it, it’s yours.”

 

After that we cut to Hoth. Anakin Skywalker is played by this Jake Lloyd kid — mark my fucking words this tyke is getting an Oscar, if not for this then for something else SOON — and he’s bored as shit and cold as hell. He looks up and it’s like the Luke shot in Star Wars except there’s FOUR moons instead of TWO moons so it’s twice as emotional. Then a POD crashes and out comes Natalie Portman who is underdressed as hell for Hoth (not that I’m complaining) and she’s all “dude, I need your help.” Jakey’s game for an adventure we can tell.

 

CUT TO: The two of them flying an X-Wing together fucking picking off Ewoks for target practice (I know this seems cruel, but there’s some voiceover from Harrison Ford that lets us know too many Ewoks are bad for the environment and there has to be balance).

 

Then it’s a bunch of quick shots. Jake trying on the Darth Vader helmet. It’s a little loose but looks pretty good. Ewan McGregor teaching Liam Neeson how to fight. Natalie Portman looking fine with a triple pronged lightsaber. Jar Jar (who looks badasssssssssss) derscribing what the death star looks like (it was tough to tell, he’s got a speech problem or something).

 

All I can say is this movie looks legit as hell, son. Hope ya’ll dig. If you use this call me BobaFett123 thanks bros!”

Man, just reading that has me so pumped. May 19th can’t come soon enough.

Check back on the hour for more breaking news.

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