This Shit Just Got Even More Real – Columbia Pictures Developing BAD BOYS 3

     August 30, 2009

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While a sequel is always “in development” some place as long as the prior entries in the franchise are successful (and sometimes even if they’re not) but when you start hiring people to make that sequel a reality, it shows that you’re serious.  That you’re willing to make this sequel, this “shit”, if you will, real.

Hit the jump to find out how Columbia Pictures is doing it (and how I think they should do it) with BAD BOYS 3.

bad_boys_ii.jpgNow some may call “Bad Boys II” a disappointment.  It’s two-and-a-half hours and made only $138 million domestic when the reported budget was $130 million.  It’s also is sexist, homophobic, racist, and insulting to the intelligence of every rational human being on the planet.  It’s also one of the biggest guilty pleasures of the past decade.  I’m not saying an R-rating always makes a film better but only three Michael Bay’s films have been rated-R: “Bad Boys”, “The Rock”, and “Bad Boys II”.  All three films are fantastic.  If “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” had the liberty to do what “Bad Boys II” did, it would have been a far better film.

So when The Hollywood Reporter says that Columbia Pictures just brought on Peter Craig to write “Bad Boys 3″, you know that redemption may be in Michael Bay’s future.  Craig, who co-wrote Ben Affleck’s upcoming film, “The Town” as well as working on the live-action adaptation of the popular anime series “Cowboy Bebop”, has a tremendous opportunity and he best not fuck it up.

Yes, Smith, Lawrence, and Bay have all said they’ll come back “if a story can be hammered out.”  Now Craig needs to know that this is counter-intuitive.  Everything that applies to a conventional screenplay must be put on steroids, breast implants, and enough cocaine to kill a petting zoo.  In my desire to make “Bad Boys 3″ the best “Bad Boys” yet, I have developed a brief checklist for Mr. Craig:

bad_boys_2_poster_will_smith_martin_lawrence_michael_bay_01.jpg-         There must be at least three car chases.  All car chases require that something falls off a truck and that Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett must attempt to dodge these oncoming objects while Mike drives like a bad-ass and Marcus is the worst back-seat driver of all time.  The last film found a surprisingly creative use of corpses and coffins so Craig has to up the ante.  This time, instead of dead bodies falling off a truck, they must be live ones.  Also, Mike has to hit at least ten of them and say things like “Shit!” and “My bad!”  As per his contract, Will Smith is obligated to say “Aw, hell naw,” at least once.

–         The film must viciously mock every minority but never consciously or as a means of satire.  Every ethnic slur must be uttered at least three times and in order to up the ante, additional slurs are now required for Jews, Mexicans, Ethiopians, and the mentally handicapped in addition to the standard slurs directed towards blacks, gays, and women.  As per his contract, Michael Bay gets at least one sassy black woman to act black and sassy.

–         The film must provide a third act which is an even greater insult to all logic and reason than invading Cuba.

These are only a few of the major challenges Craig has ahead of him but it is for a greater cause.

Tell us in the comments section other things Peter Craig must do in order to make a worthy successor to “Bad Boys II”.

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