VAMPIRES SUCK Blu-ray Review

     December 27, 2010

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Every once in a while comes a movie so hated by critics, so heavily criticized, and yet oddly entertaining and extremely fun to watch. While critics may take shots a movie’s plot or characters, it could still provide sufficient laughs with well written dialogue and breathtaking cinematography. While Vampires Suck is currently sitting at a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, it seems that this movie is universally hated; but is it really as bad as everyone says? Find out after the jump.

vampires-suck-blu-ray-coverYes. Of course it is. How dare you assume that I was saying this movie is good? Not a single thing in its dreadful 82 minutes running time is even remotely worth watching, or considered even slightly entertaining. Oddly enough, a line from Billy Madison, an actual comedy, sums this movie up perfectly. Just use your imagination a bit to make it fit:

“Mr. Madison (Vampires Suck), what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard (watched). At no point in your rambling, incoherent response (running time) were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought (entertaining moment). Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

The movie really has no semblance of a plot and it hurts me to have to write about it like it follows any logical formula or structure. The film was written by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the duo that brought us such gems as Disaster Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie…and any pretty much any other “movie” movie. Becca, an angsty teenage girl (read, teenage girl) moves to a town called Sporks (funny, right?) with her father, after her mother has an affair with Tiger Woods; because everyone knows, there’s nothing funnier than a joke that’s been done to death.

We then witness the Twilight parody plot when Becca has to choose between Jacob, or a mysterious vampire, Edward. What follows is a disgraceful mess of out of date and horrifically unfunny references, scattered throughout what is, in all honesty, the worst thing I have ever had to sit through in my life. “The douchebags from Jersey Shore” is an example of such a hilarious ode to pop culture; really, the people from Jersey Shore are douchebags? Hilarious. To anyone who hasn’t seen this film, it may sound like I’m blowing things out of proportion; trust me when I say I’m not even coming close.

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I feel like no amount of review can make up for what I witnessed while watching Vampires Suck. How wrong I was to assume that it was even watchable, because with each over-done hit on the head or kick in the balls I cringed at the thought of this movie making nearly $80 million worldwide; and imagining people actually laughing in a theatre somewhere.  In fact, after what I counted to be more than 20 physical gags complete with excruciatingly loud and unnecessary sound effects in the first eight minutes, I had to pause the movie to collect my thoughts. I figured that it would be bad, but I had absolutely no idea what I had gotten myself into.

Ken Jeong is the biggest star in the movie, which saddens me because I respected him as an actor and thought he was great in movies such as Knocked Up, The Hangover, and as Senior Chang in the always hysterical Community. Suffice to say his involvement couldn’t bring the movie up to a higher level, but it instead brought him down to a much lower level. A level in which main characters run around on their hands and feet and chase cats around; because there’s nothing better than an out-of-place sight gag, which is essentially what this movie is comprised of.

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I was hoping that experiencing this unholy abomination on Blu-ray would at least provide me with some visual stimulation that looks good in 1080p. Unfortunately, the picture doesn’t fare any better than the film. Throughout the entire movie was a grainy texture; unlike anything I have seen on a Blu-ray before. The blacks are deep and the colors are warm, but its lack of any real crisp lines prevents the picture from really standing out.  The sound isn’t memorable, and will often aggravate you to extreme levels when anyone gets injured; always. The over-exaggerated sound effects are jarring when compared to the volume of the dialogue and what little music or score there may be.

As for extras, in case you happen to love the movie and want to spend more time with it, the Blu-ray contains 7 minutes of deleted scenes, 4 minutes of a gag reel, and trailers. Considering that the whole movie should be a deleted scene, there is nothing worth watching there, while the gag reel only improves on the dialogue; by having the actors mess it up.

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So “sink your teeth into the Extended Bite Me Edition of the hysterically funny spoof Vampires Suck – with more outrageous humor and bloody good fun!” That’s what it says on the back of the Blu-ray case. See what they did there with that joke? No, not by using puns like “sink your teeth,” “bite me,” and “bloody good fun,” but by saying the movie is a hysterically funny spoof; that’s the real joke. Oh, it also calls Friedberg and Seltzer “Comedy masterminds,” so at least they earn your distrust right off the bat.

For anyone who would like to judge for themselves if this movie is all I said it is, or if anyone needs a last-minute Christmas gift for someone they really hate, please, take my copy; I beg you.

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