Folks, Disney’s $125 million adaptation of Artemis Fowl was finally
dumped released on Disney+ this weekend after a year of delays and reshoots. The story of a boy genius searching for his missing father and nearly starting a race war with the magical world of faeries, the movie is the kind of expensive gibberish that sends studio executives flying out of their penthouse windows. (Luckily, Disney learned to put bouncy castles on the roofs of all of their valet stands after John Carter and The Lone Ranger.) It’s not just bad – it is astoundingly, fascinatingly awful, a film so broken on a fundamental level that it should be enshrined in a museum as an example of how not to spend $125 million.
I honestly can’t list all of the problems with Artemis Fowl, a movie seemingly written at gunpoint by an insane robot. If you taught an alligator English and shouted “do a Harry Potter” at it until it finished typing, you’d get a more coherent story than whatever I just spent 90 minutes watching. So rather than going through every single thing wrong with the movie, I’ve narrowed down the most egregious, stand-out moments of terribality.