BARBIE Movie In Production Because Girls Deserve Brainless Toy-Based Features Too!

     September 23, 2009


Here’s the story: Mattel is making the popular doll “Barbie” into a movie.  She is a cultural icon, a billion-dollar brand, looks good despite being 50-years-old, has every material possession known to man, and the picture should create high profits from pre-teen girls around the globe.  The reason it hasn’t been made into a movie yet?

“The brand wasn’t ready for a movie,” Mattel Senior VP Richard Dickson said. “In the last 10 years, Barbie has evolved from a toy into an intellectual property.”  We’ll, if you say so.  I guess before ten years ago (when movies based on toys weren’t really dominating multiplexes) they just couldn’t crack the script on a “Barbie” movie.  I’ll tell you why I think they couldn’t make it and still can’t make it after the jump.

“Barbie may be the most popular girl in the world, and has always been a wonderfully aspirational figure, so we must do her proud,” says co-producer Lawrence Mark.  Ignoring the fact that “aspirational” isn’t a word, he presumably meant that girls aspire to Barbie.  What girl wouldn’t want to fill her life with things, be the center of attention, never hold down a steady job, or have any goals whatsoever?  Keep in mind, I’m not saying that toys for boys can’t be equally as vapid (if not more so).  But “aspirational”?  Okay, even ignoring all the crap that fills Barbie’s life, let’s just go by body image which is important since casting will be so crucial to this role.

According to, “If Barbie were a real woman-She would have to grow to be seven feet tall. She would have a bust that was between 38-40 inches, her waist 18-24 inches, her hips around 33-35 inches. Barbie’s weight would be 110 pounds. If she were a real woman-Barbie would have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.”  Thankfully, Cosmo and other magazines pick up where Barbie left off in making girls feel ugly from a young age.

But a Barbie movie would easily make a billion dollars internationally even if the film was absolute garbage so when it comes to her proportions or her “story”, who cares.  The time is right for a Barbie movie so let’s speculate on casting!  Remember, a vacant expression and constant smile are key.




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