Kramer (Michael Richards) is possibly the wackiest character on Seinfeld, which is truly saying something considering what a bizarre array of personalities populates the show. Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) refers to him fittingly as a "hipster doofus"; he is Jerry's (Jerry Seinfeld) eccentric neighbor, and practically lives in Jerry's apartment, mooching food and other items even if he already has them. Despite having no visible job or other source of income, he also never seems to be short on money. This mystifying lifestyle, as well as his unexplained source of funds, seems to give him significant free time, which he uses for a constant stream of innovation. It's difficult to pick just thirteen examples out of nine seasons of entrepreneurial brilliance. Most of these, like all of his other schemes, fail miserably. And yet others have since become a reality, proving that at the time, the world simply wasn’t ready.
13. Car Periscopes in "The Invitations" (Season 7, Episode 24)
The only reason this one doesn’t rank higher is that technically it comes from Jerry’s imagination as he envisions what life will be like for him and future Kramer. However, the imagined interaction perfectly reflects their existing dynamic, albeit with Jerry finally succumbing to his exasperation. "It’s a stupid idea, don’t you understand? It’s stupid, it’s stupid! Stupid, stupid…" Well, Jerry, we beg to differ.
12. The Peterman Reality Bus Tour in "The Muffin Tops" (Season 8, Episode 21)
Elaine ends up including many of Kramer’s life stories in her boss J. Peterman’s (John O'Hurley) biography, with the result that Kramer starts billing himself as “the real Peterman” when the book comes out. After being kicked out of the book signing, Kramer starts conducting “The Peterman Reality Bus Tour,” a three-hour school bus ride that will give lucky passengers the real experience of knowing him. Only for $37.50. Kramer is actually based on Larry David's real life neighbor Kenny Kramer, who tried to take advantage of his name being used on the show by creating the "Kramer Reality Tour." The Peterman reality bus tour is actually a spoof of these antics.
11. Bathtub Garbage Disposal in "The Apology" (Season 9, Episode 9)
This is the ultimate life hack. Kramer wastes too much time in the shower, and has trouble overcoming this habit. So, naturally, he decides to simply live there and do all his other chores while he cleans himself. Making salads in the shower proves messier than expected – however, installing a garbage disposal where the shower drain would normally be quickly solves this problem. What results is the perfect multitasking machine (with the only caveat being that others might not be too keen on eating your shower salad).
10. Levels in "The Pony Remark" (Season 2, Episode 2)
Imagine, totally redoing your apartment. Getting rid of all your furniture. Then building different levels, with steps…and it will all be carpeted…with a lot of pillows. You know, like Ancient Egypt. The reason the levels aren't higher on this list is that Kramer never makes them a reality. Yes, he claims he no longer wants the levels. But it would have been so fun to see.
9. Butter Aftershave in "The Butter Shave" (Season 9, Episode 1)
Speaking of mooching food off your neighbors. Kramer could have been on the verge of a real breakthrough with this one, if it weren't for the fact that he accidentally fried himself while sunbathing on the roof. Perhaps if he hadn't slathered butter all over his entire body? Either way, Newman (Wayne Knight) is later tormented by how appetizing he finds the smell of his roasted friend.
8. The Tie Dispenser in "The Stock Tip" (Season 1, Episode 5)
This tie dispenser would go in public restrooms, and it honestly sounds pretty useful. You’re in a restaurant right before that big meeting, and you get mustard on your tie! What do you do? Go to the restroom and whip out a new one from the tie dispenser. Bam! Problem solved.
7. Ketchup and Mustard in the Same Bottle in "The Voice" (Season 9, Episode 2)
Kramer finally decides to get an intern from NYU for his corporation, Kramerica Industries. The intern's name is Darin, and his first invention with Kramer is the oil tank bladders. However, when the execution of this intriguing concept goes South, Kramer suggests another one: ketchup and mustard in the same bottle. In Darin's words, “Now that sounds interesting, sir.”
6. The Bottle Deposit Scam in "The Bottle Deposit" (Season 7, Episodes 21 and 22)
Upon realizing that Michigan offers more cents per recycled glass bottle than New York, Newman proposes rounding up bottles in New York and taking them out to Michigan. Kramer, of course, has tried this many times, and says that with the cost of transportation the math doesn’t add up. But through Newman’s job as a mailman, they find a way in which the scam can work. And if it weren’t for the truly bonkers events of the two-parter “The Bottle Deposit,” they may even have gotten away with it.
5. The Oil Tank Bladder in "The Voice" (Season 9, Episode 2)
Even Jerry admits that this is genuinely a good idea: a rubber bladder inside an oil tanker so that if it crashes, the oil won’t spill out. Kramer employs the help of his new intern Darin in this enterprise. George, meanwhile, supplies a rubber ball to use as a prototype which they then fill with oil. Now all they need to do is see if it can withstand high impact without breaking. However, solving the world's energy problems proves more complicated than pushing a giant ball of oil out the window, proving that even the best ideas might need to be tweaked in their execution.
4. A Pizza Place Where You Make Your Own Pie in "Male Unbonding" (Season 1, Episode 4) and "The Couch" (Season 6, Episode 5)
Patrons of this restaurant would have full control over the creation of their pizza, all the way up to including shoving it into the oven; though luckily “It’s all supervised!” In theory, this could be a fun time. In practice, however, it may not be the best idea to have Poppie (Reni Santoni) as a business partner; a man who, historically, not only got all his customers sick because he failed to wash his hands before cooking, but peed on Jerry's couch as well.
3. ‘The Beach’ Cologne in "The Pick" (Season 4, Episode 13)
THE BEACH! A cologne that smells like the beach! Kramer pitches this concept to Calvin Klein to no avail, only for the company to later callously steal his idea. Even though storming into the Calvin Klein offices doesn’t bring him justice (though it does get him a brief gig as an underwear model).
2. The Bro/Manssiere in "The Doorman" (Season 6, Episode 18)
The Bro: a bra for men. Kramer is inspired to create the Bro after witnessing the unclothed upper body of George’s father, Frank Costanza (Jerry Stiller). Frank is enthused by the idea, but insists that they call it the Manssiere instead (which Kramer vehemently opposes). Kramer even creates a prototype, which he and Frank try to sell to a bra company. Unfortunately, the plan is foiled when Frank becomes enraged at the bra salesman (Sid Farkus) for expressing interest in George’s mother Estelle (Estelle Harris).
1. The Coffee Table Book in "The Opposite" (Season 5, Episode 22)
The holy grail of inventions. A coffee table book about coffee tables…that turns into a coffee table. This one came so close to realization. Though its creation is something of a Season 5 arc, it is in Episode 22 that it seems the dream will finally become a reality. If only Elaine hadn't inadvertently caused the downfall of the book's publisher. In the end, the coffee table book's untimely death will forever remain one of Seinfeld’s greatest tragedies.