Final Fantasy VII Remake is horny AF and it’s not shy about it. There is no shame in Square Enix’s game when it comes to showing off its polygons and giving players the chance to just get after it–“it” being Cloud’s naive and unworldly ass–in more ways than there are Materia to master. The only place FF7R comes up short in this department is in the decidedly blue balls (speaking of Materia, obviously) you’ll get from the game’s refusal to go all the way with players, but hey, that’s what the Internet and unofficial mods are for. But as a remake of a classic that, on the surface, is all about a mercenary aiding eco-terrorists in taking down an evil corporation, FF7R spends a ridiculous amount of time and resources making everyone hot for the ex-SOLDIER.
Let’s clear up a couple of things: First of all, yes, the main point of Final Fantasy VII Remake‘s plot follows Cloud Strife as a mercenary hired to accompany the eco-terrorist group Avalanche as they take the fight to Shinra in order to liberate the planet from the evil corporation’s clutches, even if the city of Midgar suffers in the process. Secondly, yes, the 1997 version’s relatively blocky pixelated characters were a far cry from the relatively realistic-looking creations that 2020’s modern tech is capable of, but the fact is that both versions were remarkably horny; the Remake is just much better at achieving that suspension of disbelief. So while Cloud remains a rather blank slate for the player to insert themselves into (phrasing!), there is no shortage of waifus and BAEs to choose from, whether you’re slummin’ it or partying on the plate. So read on for why Final Fantasy VII Remake is the horniest game of 2020 (dime-a-dozen hentai Steam games aside). Story spoilers ahead.
“You’re crazy,” I hear you saying. “Final Fantasy VII Remake is a super-serious game that criticizes capitalism, corporate welfare, and anti-environmental practices; there’s nothing horny about it!” You’re right, of course, but only to a point. Let’s look at the missions that FF7R asks you to embark on: First up, you learn the mechanics of the game’s combat and navigation systems while under the critical eye of the beefy and bare-armed Barrett, who’s ridiculously sized gun-arm is definitely not compensating for anything. Barrett would sooner bend you over his knee and give you a gatling-spanking than admit that you’re actually quite capable at this mercenary business; we all recognize this particular brand of bad-boy-with-a-heart-of-gold aesthetic.
Then there’s the rest of Team Avalanche. The doofy duo of Wedge–our resident big boy with plenty of huggable cushion–and Biggs–the bandana-sporting Charlie Sheen-in-Hot Shots! Part Deux lookalike–want nothing more than to bro out with Cloud as soon as they get back to their super-cool secret base where they can read comic books and no girls are allowed. Except Jessie, maybe. Poor Jessie. She is immediately horned-up at the arrival of Cloud, the Buster Sword-sporting merc dressed in a sleeveless turtleneck combat sweater and a single DIY nuts-and-bolts pauldron; and who wouldn’t be, really? Everyone’s after this mans.
There is, perhaps, no more of a try-hard in this entire game than Jessie, whose boob-armor fashion sense screams “Look at me!” as much as it does “I do what I want, dad!” It’s just a shame that neither her armor, her tech savvy, nor her overtly flirtatious manner with Cloud–not to mention her dreams of acting at the Golden Saucer–could save her from being shot-up and crushed to death in the end; Jessie could have been the One True Waifu. (At least Jessie gets to sort of introduce Cloud to her family in this version, even though yikes what a way to meet the parents!)
Not to worry, FF7R gives you plenty of other options. In a cruel twist of fate, Jessie not-so-innocently asks if you know Tifa early on, learning the heart-breaking fate that, yes, Cloud and Tifa are childhood friends with a history of light adolescent petting and heavy emotionally traumatic promises. Tifa’s introduction, in either the original or the remake, should be the point that makes you stand up and shout, “Oh! This game is horny!” to anyone in the vicinity. Tifa is engineered to be a sex symbol, just as Cloud is genetically engineered to be an absolute mess whenever he thinks about his mom, his brothers-in-arms, or any of his time spent fighting for Shinra, really.
Tifa is a top-to-bottom bombshell and the game knows it; it goes to great lengths to paint the fisticuffs-favoring fighter as a squeaky clean bartender with yet another heart of gold. (And don’t even get me started on the squats and pull-ups minigames…) FF7R spends even more time trying to waifu you up with Tifa as she tests your character as a fighter, a friend, and a caregiver. Sassing off to the innkeeper? Tifa will give you a finger-wag. Getting impatient with a kid who lost her cats? That’s another finger-wag. The same goes for losing your temper with the irritable weapons shop owner, the goofy Biggs and Wedge, or anyone else in the vicinity of Seventh Heaven, including the cracked-out robed dude in the room next to your own. FF7R basically says, “Look, we know you want to get with Tifa, and we’re going to let you go as far as our T-rated ‘suggestive themes’ allow, but don’t expect to be rewarded for being an immoral degenerate.”
If Tifa’s not your type, never fear; the game will literally drop you into another potential waifu’s lap. Get ready for an even-more-golden heart of gold as you meet Aerith, the demure florist who spends her time gathering herbs for doctors, playing games with local orphans, providing flowers to said orphanage, and keeping your crew alive and in fighting shape throughout much of the game’s combat sequences.
Aerith may live in an idyllic garden with her protective single mother, but she spends most of her time tending to flowers in a rundown church for Cetra’s sake! (Oh and she also happens to be the last surviving member of the bloodline of the Ancients, if that does anything for your libido.) She, too, will put Cloud’s relationship qualities to the test in much the same way Tifa did: Are you good with kids? Can you fight monsters on behalf of grieving old men and weak, nosy journalists? How will you handle that cracked-out robed dude who just so happened to show up again? If FF7R was a BioWare game, it would 100% have a relationship meter and you could absolutely get down once you’ve fulfilled your chosen one’s personal quests, but alas, this is Square Enix after all.
But we’re not done being horny yet! If you thought Cloud going one-on-one with Jessie, Tifa, and Aerith was the extent of it, you’re dead wrong. Not only do you get to do a sort of double date / rescue effort with Tifa and Aerith, you also get to meet the frisky freaks (and I mean that in the oh-so-horny sense) of Wall Market. Anything goes in this city of sin, this bevy of beauties, this locale of the lowdown where apparently anything goes. So, yeah, Don Corneo may be an uber-creep who invites, buys, or outright kidnaps women to become his “wife” for a time–and this rapey dude absolutely pushes the game’s thematic and moral boundaries–but there is a much safer side to the sexy times in this particular series of quests. And they’re by and large a great new addition to the original game.
There’s the rough-and-tumble Chocobo Sam, who would love nothing more than to give Cloud a ride on his own personal Chocobo before going full Brokeback Mountain with the merc. Then there’s Madam M, the proprietor of a (hand) massage parlor in the district; if you didn’t think the game was horny up until this point, this is where FF7R beats you over the head with it. MM is definitely in the Dom category as far as this game’s characters go. And then there’s the mysterious and alluring Andrea Rhodea, a fashion-forward mogul who runs the Honeybee Inn with its objectively sexy employees regardless of just how much into wasp-play you happen to be(e). (Andrea also happens to be endlessly fascinated with Cloud, depending on how good your dance performance is.) While this “inn” puts on fabulous dance shows each night, it’s as much a musical club as Madam M’s parlor is for hand massages only, but that’s all behind the scenes in FF7R; they leave that up to your fertile imaginations. (Luckily, the remake wisely left out this Japanese-only content from the original game.) So while Wall Market may be the epicenter of the horniest quests, games, and costumes the game has to offer, we’re not out of the woods just yet.
Some smaller players in the Hunt for Cloud’s Heart-and-Loins include Scarlet, Shinra’s Director of Advanced Weaponry, whose design not only makes Tifa look conservative by comparison but also puts Madam M’s dom-sensibilities to shame. And then there’s newcomer Roche, a rogue SOLDIER with a penchant for motorcycle shenanigans who wants nothing more than to battle Cloud in a Ducati duel as they push their hot-rods past the redline and explode together in the throes of engine-revving ecstasy. Even Reno and Rude seem more interesting in going blow-for-blow with Cloud than they do in capturing Aerith or any of the other tasks the Turks assign to them. But there’s one Fling King we haven’t talked about yet, and he might be the horniest (for Cloud) of the bunch.
You think I would forget everyone’s Forever Goth Prince Sephiroth? The One-Winged Angel of My Heart and Dreams? This mans could run us through with Masamune, take us down to 1HP with his Heartless Angel attack, and even call down Supernova, and we’d still be having nightsweats about him. It’s the same for Cloud throughout the entirety of FF7R. Perhaps the reason our playable character never goes any farther with the leading ladies and gents isn’t due to the game’s T-rated limitations but that he’s saving himself for the One and Only Sephiroth. (That iconic theme should be playing in your mind right now.) I mean, let’s face it, when everyone else is playing coy and hard-to-get, Sephiroth comes right out into the light, conjures a portal into the multiverse, and straight-up invites you to remake existence with him. That’s a pretty enticing offer, no? (And I don’t know how he has the time to do all that in between his extensive hair treatments.)
All we know is that the celibate wait between Final Fantasy VII Remake and whatever comes next will be a painful one, but (hopefully) ultimately worthwhile. In the meantime, be sure to polish your sword and take your favorite waifu out for date night, whether it’s IRL or in Wall Market, because someday soon, the Golden Saucer awaits!