Game of Thrones Season 8, Episode 2 Theories

Well hot diggity Dickon, another season of Game of Thrones is upon us, the final six episodes ever, before our long Thrones-less night begins and we all have to obsessively watch Ballers together, or whatever. But still, I'm happy to announce the return of the Collider Game of Thrones Guide; I'll be your humble GOT-ologist guiding you through every major question you might have, your own personal Bran Stark, popping up awkwardly in every corner of the room to just sort of stare, knowing all your inner secrets and hidden incestual sexual histories. You perv, you. Today we'll look at the aftermath of the Season 8 premiere, "Winterfell", which featured reunions, returns, reveals, and the most high-budget How to Train Your Dragon porn parody you'll ever see in your life.

How Awkward Is This Jaime and Bran Reunion Gonna Be?

game-of-thrones-season-8-premiere-bran — Image via HBO

Oh, man. So as you may recall, Brandon Stark spent exactly one (1) episode of Game of Thrones with the ability to use both his legs. The very first episode of this show ended with a child happening upon twin siblings Jaime and Cersei Lannister getting it on and promptly got tossed like a sack of potatoes from the top of a Winterfell tower for his troubles. This was so long ago. Bran hadn't even gone through puberty yet. Bran got dropped from 1,000 feet in the air before his voice dropped one octave. Since then, he's gone through more than a few changes. Along with Hodor, Rickon, Osha, and the Reed siblings, Bran traveled North of the Walll to get a profound lesson from Max Von Sydow on looking into people's private browsing history. Literally everyone he traveled with is dead now. Rickon got bow-and-arrowed by goblin-ass Ramsay Snow because no one ever taught the youngest Stark how to serpentine. Hodor became the world's most tragic doorstop. There's a chance Bran ate Jojen Reed. This is unconfirmed. What's important is that Bran saw some shit in order to gain the ability to see everything, all at once.

But Jaime's been on a personal journey all his own. He's been humbled something fierce; he's lost a hand, traveled miles with Brienne of Tarth, been a part of by far this show's worst storyline in Dorne. Just last season, he finally came to the conclusion that his sister/lover Cersei Lannister is an irredeemably vile human being and noped the fuck out of King's Landing, possibly forever. One quick stop at Westeros' lone Duane Reade to pick up a Just For Men brush-in brunette dye and here he is at Winterfell, a changed man inside and out.

But woo boy, our Petty Queen Bran Stark is still here to collect. In this moment I do like to think he is not the all-seeing, all-knowing Three-Eyed Raven, he is goddamn Jerry from Accounting who screenshotted all your nasty e-mails about the shared fridge in the common room and now he's here to file an official HR complaint, bitch. Bran Stark doesn't just have receipts, he has literally every receipt in human history. This man waited in his wheelchair in the dead-ass Northern winter all night to be in the perfect position to greet Jaime Lannister first thing in the morning. I aspire to do something half this deliciously baller before I die.

Of course, there's an important caveat: Bran Stark also doesn't exactly think he's Bran Stark before. There's a reason he's just sort of been rolling around Winterfell peeping into people's conversations like an old cat with boundary issues. He's transcended. He's above all this human drama. There's a chance he actually does greet Jaime like an "old friend" because to the Three-Eyed Raven, booting Bran Stark from the top of a tower is water under the bridge compared to the affairs of all mankind.

But How Awkward Is This Jaime and Daenerys Meeting Gonna Be?

Oh, man. So while Bran Stark may be the type to forgive the past these days, Daenerys Targaryen, for all the sensual dragon rides and waterfall trysts with her nephew, is still, by and large, a low-key insane person whose main modus operandi is "light that problem on fire." You may recall last season that she got fed up with Tyrion's measured, calm approach to warfare and simply rode Drogon to burn the everloving fuck out of the Lannister army. You may also recall that Sam Tarly's brother and father then refused to bend the knee, so Dany promptly turned them into literal hot pies. Emilia Clarke has imbued the role with some sort of gravitas, but it's important to remember that Daenerys is so, so okay with burning whatever half of the country isn't down with her reign. Daenerys is like one fancy glove away from being Thanos. Daenerys is Thanos in a frilly winter jacket and skirts, which I'm 100% sure the internet has probably drawn already. (Please Google that and DM it to me posthaste.)

The point being, Jaime Lannister has arrived at Winterfell with the best of intentions only to immediately face A) the child he paralyzed, and B) the literal dragon-queen whose father he betrayed with a sword through his back. Jaime has lived a life branded Kingslayer because he murdered Aerys II Targaryen while serving on his Kingsguard. In fairness, Aerys was also batfuck insane thanks to decades of Targaryen in-breeding and a borderline sexual attraction to wildfire, but history in Westeros isn't about these small details.

You almost have to assume cooler heads will eventually prevail, although it would be some Benioff and Weiss-ass nonsense to have Jaime Lannister just executed in the second episode because, as their personal mouth-piece Bran Stark said in the premiere, "we don't have time for all this." And by cooler heads I basically mean Sansa Stark. Sansa Stark is the only one in Winterfell asking rational questions right now, such as "How exactly do you feed 10,000 barbaric horse warriors?" and "What if noted serial liar Cersei Lannister is in fact lying?" and "Do you really believe in Daenerys, Jon, or are you just horny?"

So Is Cersei Actually Pregnant Or...?

game-of-thrones-season-8-premiere-cersei-2 — Image via HBO

Extremely hard to say! Last season, Cersei revealed at pretty much the worst moment that she is pregnant again with yet another brother-baby. And yet, here she is in the Season 8 premiere, post pirate bang, sipping on the old Dornish red. Now, a few important notes: I don't think the medicinal approach to childbirth in King's Landing is exactly up to date. Cersei's main physician is Qyburn, a dude who got kicked out of the Citadel for being too horny for corpses. It's also worth pointing out that I don't expect Cersei Lannister to give a single fuck when it comes to abstaining from alcohol. The Queen just learned she's not getting the battle elephants she so desired and finished having sex with an unwashed cocaine pirate that exclusively wears leather pants in one of the hottest cities in Westeros. Mama needs her goblet.

But it's also key to point out, as we've mentioned before, Cersei. Loves. Lying. It's a hobby. It's a gift. Would Cersei lie to her brother about being pregnant to bind him to her side? Are you kidding? Do you remember when Cersei was like "oh yeah I'll be at the trial in ten minutes" and then blew the trial up? This show is called Game of Thrones because this woman coined the term "the game of thrones". Cersei is here to play. Cersei is actively rooting for the army of the dead because it might clear up the board a bit.

Daenerys Is Probably Not Gonna Love Jon Being a Targaryen, Right?

game-of-thrones-season-8-premiere-daenerys — Image via HBO

Unless Jon Snow truly has the type of bomb-ass reanimated corpse lovemaking skills that make you forget your lifelong ambitions—and the jury is still out, tbh—then no, Daenerys is not going to take kindly to the fact her nephew/bone-partner has a better claim to the Iron Throne. Samwell Tarly, low-key this show's MVP and frankly the only person fit to sit on the throne, hit the nail on the dang head: "You gave up your crown to save your people. Would she do the same?"

The answer, most likely, is a firm, resounding, kick-in-the-nards "no." At this point, we know Dany. We've spent seven season with Dany. We've watched Dany from day one on a straight-shot path to taking her "rightful" place on the Iron Throne, melting her own brother's skull and burning a few thousand people to ashes along the way. Sure, she took a few detours in Qarth and Meereen, but that's only because people dared to be like "hey, maybe you don't deserve to rule these cities, either?"

The funny thing is, if Daenerys wasn't so busy getting Jon Snow to repeatedly bend the knee up by North's snowy fuck pools, she might notice the truth right in front of her. It's pretty established in the Game of Thrones lore that only people with the blood of Valyria running through their veins are able to ride dragons with getting BBQ'd and/or eaten alive. You may have noticed during the premiere, Jon hopped up on to the back of Rhaegal—a dragon named after his own biological father—and rode it like a bro. And then the dragons seemed...kind of into watching Jon and Dany get it on? If it's one thing a Targaryen dragon approves of, it's incest, baby.

How Long Will It Take the White Walkers to Reach Winterfell?

This is a hard question to answer, considering the army of the dead spent seven entire seasons dicking around beyond the Wall, seemingly marching in place until someone was stupid enough to fly a dragon into their territory. But the White Walkers are definitely coming—as evidenced by the show's fancy new opening credits—and they're already super close to Winterfell. Tormund, Berric Dondarion, and Dolorous Edd's newly-grown Daddy Beard discover pretty gruesome evidence of the White Walkers' march at the Last Hearth, home to House Umber, which is why poor baby Ned Umber was pinned to the wall in the middle of the Night King's latest art installation.

Watch those new opening credits again, and you'll see the Last Hearth is the first stop from The Wall, but it's only a hop, skip, and a jump from Winterfell. So the real question becomes: Only two episodes into Season 8, are we going to get THE battle scene, the one that took weeks to film, the one that's going to make the Battle of the Bastards look like a muddy day at the playground, the one in which HBO probably just killed a few extras for real because at this point they can afford to put a whoopsie-daisies clause in their contracts? Sadly, probably not. The more likely scenario is that Episode 2 ends with the White Walkers arrival, because Episode 3 clocks in at a whopping 82 minutes.

Seriously Though, Where Is Ghost?

The only important question. The last time we saw Jon Snow's trusty albino Direwolf, he was chilling at Winterfell while Jon trecked off to court a Dragon Queen. Since then? Nothing. This resurrected Prince Who Was Promised-ass motherf*cker has no time for his oldest, furriest buddy who saved his ass on numerous occasions. If it wasn't for Ghost, Jon would've been toasted by a Wight all the way back in Season 1. This is a straight outrage. Jon is officially the nerdy main character of a teen comedy who gets in good with the cool kids as part of a scheme, but then kind of likes being part of the cool kids?, and then forgets himself, and then abandons his old un-cool friends at like, the after-prom party. Jon Snow is goddamn Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls, ya'll. Hanging around with this Targaryen woman in his own family home. Sansa looking at her like, "She doesn't even go here."

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