Lord of Light, I know you effed off back to nowhere now that a small assassin child defeated the Night King for you, but please, please lend me the strength to deal with Daenerys Targaryen and her mentally deficient nephew lover Jon Snow. These idiots. These absolute buffoons. Game of Thrones' third-to-final episode, "The Last of the Starks", featured the Mother of Singular Dragon looking Sansa Stark dead-ass in the face and saying "this is a six-episode season, Sansa, we need to move on King's Landing now," despite the fact her entire army is either dead, exhausted from fighting the dead, or hungover af because they survived the dead. Thus began the hour-and-a-half long whoopsie-doodle fest from Dany and her compatriots, which ended with Rhaegal shot out of the sky by Euron Greyjoy—who discovered, after millennia of mystery and magic, that a dragon's greatest weakness is "just a big fuckin' harpoon"—half the Kingdom sharing the hot goss about Dany's "rightful" claim to the throne, and poor Missandei of Naath dying on King's Landing's doorstep because, as it turns out, Cersei Lannister isn't down to negotiate. If only there was some evidence this might happen. Perhaps under all this rubble where the Sept of Baelor used to be?

Ah, nevertheless. At least Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth finally got. it. on. (Before Jaime remembered the person lying next to him wasn't a blood relative and bolted out of there.) Between Jaime/Brienne and Arya/Gendry, the North is turning into the place where ships go to land. Someone needs to transport Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes to Winterfell so they can kiss, stat. Of all the mysteries this final Game of Thrones season is unraveling, I'm happy to finally know why the banner above those walls says "Winter is Coming."

Anywho. I have questions. You have questions. Let's get into it.

Did Missandei Deserve Better?

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I mean yeah, almost definitely. As a white dude, it's not exactly my place to comment on Game of Thrones brutally beheading its one (1) woman of color character. That's like a German Shepherd commenting on a flat tire. Like, even a German Shepherd would think "well that doesn't feel right" and he's technically correct but what the fuck does he actually know, you know? He's a dog. He doesn't drive.

So just on a character-level, Missandei's death did feel like another rousing example of David Benioff and D.B. Weiss focusing on capital-m Moments instead of coherent storytelling. Because really, what was Cersei's goal here? Take one, single person prisoner, a person you couldn't possibly know has a close connection to Daenerys, hold her in chains until Daenerys shows up on your doorstep, then make a whole Thing out of murdering that one person instead of...using that entire fleet of Super Bows to kill all your enemies, who are just standing there, right there, like idiots. Yes, watching Grey Worm get emotional tugged at my heart-strings, and yes, seeing Daenerys' rage-face built up the proper level of "oh lawd here we go" heading into next week's penultimate episode. But woo boy, the road to get there was so sloppy and convoluted Jon wants to use it as a battle plan.

But Here We Go, Huh?

Oh yeah. It appears that, almost more than anything, "The Last of the Starks" operated as a breather between battles. Next week's episode is an hour-and-20-minutes long, just two minutes shorter than "The Long Night", so it really does appear that the battle for King's Landing, with the fate of the Iron Throne and all Seven Kingdoms hanging in the balance, is set for Game of Thrones' penultimate episode. Thank the gods it takes place during the daytime.

I am legitimately overjoyed to see that the people behind the Siege of King's Landing are the tactical geniuses that brought you both The Battle of the Bastards—in which Jon Snow charged an entire army by himself—and The Long Night, the skirmish that was primarily won through screaming, crying, and a well-timed orchestral string arrangement. It's a shame there's no more Dothraki around so Daenerys can blindfold them for absolutely no reason. I want Jon Snow to stare at the walls of King's Landing for an uninterrupted five minutes before saying unironically "What if we ran straight into that?" I hope they cut to Bran at least once, just sitting in a hill above King's Landing making squirrels arm-wrestle or some shit.

Anyway, Emilia Clarke already said episode 5 is "bigger" than episode 3. It's once again directed by Miguel Sapochnik, who did admittedly make a strange choice when he decided to make "The Long Night" the first-ever episode of television lit entirely by antimatter. But the dude's a hell of a director; "Battle of the Bastards" was one extended mud-caked panic attack put to film and "Hardhome"—gods, remember "Hardhome"?—is truly a top-tier holy shit ending over all of Game of Thrones' run.

(Expect to never see Davos Seaworth even once during the battle. Also expect Davos Seaworth to survive the battle.)

Should Sansa Have Kept Jon's Secret?

In short: No. No! With all due respect to you, stranger on the internet, if you're mad that Sansa spilled those hot incestual beans all over Winterfell then you are wrong. She should have told more people. She should have told everyone. Sansa Stark should've commissioned a neon-lit billboard above the walls of Winterfell that shows a shirtless Jon surrounded by both ice and fire with a slogan like, "He Got Claim." I don't know. There's not a lot of time. We'll workshop it.

"But she swore an oath in front of the Spooky Face Tree!" you may be yelling. Tough turkeys. The Spooky Face Tree doesn't put bowls of brown on my peasant-hut table. The person who is sitting on the Iron Throne does, and Sansa sees a chance to not bend the knee to the low-key bordering high-key insane dragon lady who made it extremely passively-aggressively clear that the North will submit or else.

You know why Sansa is still out here vying for the title of Top Stark? No, it's not, as this episode's script might have you believe, all thanks to those rascals Ramsay Bolton and Petyr Baelish. It's because she's seen so. much. shit. that she decidedly did not inherit Ned Stark's cellular-level inability to defile his honor. Ned was great. Ned was kind. Ned most likely helped many an elderly woman cross the Flea Bottom streets. But Ned's dead, baby, and Sansa Stark isn't going to uphold a promise if it means another possibly Mad Monarch sits the throne.

Quick, important note: This is not me advocating for Jon on the Iron Throne. Jon is capable of running Seven Kingdoms the same way Bran is capable of running seven miles. Jon doesn't even want the throne, but look at it from Sansa's perspective; keep her mouth shut forever to protect a brother who is so blinded by his loyalty boner that he's going to get everyone killed, or tell the truth to Tyrion, who is known to be pretty clever about these things? Or, well, he used to be.

Tyrion, Baby, What Is You Doing?

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With two episodes left, I truly no longer know what purpose Tyrion Lannister serves outside of Peter Dinklage's obvious talent, and even that is going to tragic waste. He's not clever. He's not really helpful. He's not even particularly funny anymore. He's like Bran Stark without the meme potential. He's the least useful Hand on the show, and that's including Jaime's. I'm pretty sure the last notable moment Tyrion Lannister had was that time he rolled out of a crate and immediately vomited, because that at least, to me, was relatable.

"The Last of the Starks" was a particularly depressing point for a character who was once a favorite to sit on the Iron Throne. Look at that conversation with Varys right before they reach Dragonstone. The talks between these two used to be a highlight of the show, an evenly-matched tennis game of wits between two master-schemers. Now it's just Varys whacking Tyrion repeatedly in the face with his racket like, "I. Am. Going. To. Assassinate. Daenerys." and Tyrion's just like, "I honestly wish you wouldn't but okay??"

And yeah, it's obvious why Tyrion's still alive and in the game; every single person left with the last name Lannister has a destined date at the end of this story, in King's Landing, together. Depending on which prophecy/subreddit you subscribe to, some sandy-haired sibling is going to kill another. But you can't just bench an MVP player in the second quarter because he might be helpful during double overtime. It just says a lot that when Tyrion was approaching the walls of King's Landing in "The Last of the Starks" and Cersei nearly gave the order for her archers to fire, I was mostly thinking about how Cersei 100% would not have been able to hear what he was saying from that distance, instead of, you know, the momentous character death that was about to happen.

Where Did Jaime Lannister Dip Off To?

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Woof, so according to "The Last of the Starks", Brienne of Tarth's eight-seasons-long character arc built on a backbone of honor, pride, and resolute toughness in battle—she bit the Hound's ear off!—was mostly fueled by Sexual Frustration. Because after having sex with one (1) person, Ser Brienne is out here in the Winterfell cold wearing a Westerosi bathrobe and flip-flops begging Jaime Lannister to just stay in bed like she's Vision in Avengers: Infinity War or some nonsense. I'm shocked at the show's restraint in not giving her a hairnet in this moment. Who was this woman? Not MY Brienne of Tarth. The only way this exchange could've felt more off is if it panned over to Bran just sitting in his usual midnight courtyard spot, like "this really isn't my business but..."

Jaime gives Brienne his usual "If I'm such a good guy why'd I cripple that kid?" spiel—again, Bran really could've added to this whole thing—and rides off, presumably to King's Landing. "She's hateful," he says of his sister, "and so am I."

The writing here is intentionally vague, but I do think there are two distinct ways to read this:

The No Good, Very Bad Option: Jaime has regressed yet again, halting his forward momentum in favor of that ol' incestual throwback that he just can't kick. The character has done this before, most notably last season, which Jaime spent mostly making Jim Halpert face at the Red Keep's hidden cameras. This is a boring option and I hate it.

The Good, Not Bad Option: Jaime heard that Daenerys' army is bearing down on King's Landing and, knowing the inevitable fire-and-blood-bath to follow, is headed south to end all this himself. He didn't turn Brienne away out of spite, he did it out of genuine love because this doesn't end well for anyone down in King's Landing. If there's one end-theory that feels like a lock, it's the idea that Cersei is going to have her own "Burn them all" moment, and the Kingslayer is going to become a Queenslayer with a sword through her back.

What Are These Two Rascals Gonna' Get Into?

Oh boy, these two, off killin' again. I just want to quickly note how pitch-perfectly on-brand it was to have Arya's decision to leave Winterfell spurred on by Gendry's immediate panic proposal. Gendy, you hot sloppy mess. The homie had actual responsibilities for like, ten minutes before he was like, "Oh no, I've literally never done laundry."

But no, hyped for the Hound and Arya to be a team-up again, as both have some serious unfinished business down at the capital. Sandor Clegane has a date with a sibling, and not in that weird sexy way Game of Thrones is into. You may recall that the eight-foot-tall abomination that tails Cersei everywhere she goes is, in fact, the reanimated corpse of Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane, the absolute trash-compactor of a human being who stuck his younger brother's face in a fire when they were just kids. The last time those Clegane boys were in the same place, Sandor basically told Gregor he was gonna' get got.

As for Arya, she's only got four names left on her Kill List: Ser Ilyn Payne, The Mountain, The Hound, and Cersei Lannister. Payne hasn't been seen or mentioned on the show in years, so let's assume he's off-screen-crossed-off. The Hound is mostly likely scratched off as well, as I believe the fine print of the Kill List has a removal clause for killing an entire bar full of people over a pair of chickens. That just leaves Cersei and The Mountain, an intimidating duo/fantastic name for a Game of Thrones cover band. That whole theory about Jaime sticking a sword in Cersei's back? There's also rumblings about "Jaime" being a certain pint-sized assassin wearing his face. To be clear, this is a terrible, fan-service-ass theory, but with this roller-coaster ride of wonky writing in season 8, you truly can't rule anything out.

Some Of These People Probably Could've Died Last Week, Huh?

Listen, Game of Thrones doesn't need to kill off major characters to be effective, even though a good portion of us first fell in love when Ned's head flew in "Baelor", and even more of us speak of The Red Wedding like an actual personal tragedy. And this might even be a twinge hypocritical, given all those words I used up there giving the poo-poo eyes toward Missandei's shocking death. But man, if this is really the last we see of Tormund Giantsbane, Samwell Tarley, and Gilly...really feels like a couple of them could've died during that big horrific battle, no?

I don't know what these final two episodes have in store; maybe Sam comes roaring back with some obscure Citadel factoid that ends the war on a technicality. But that seems unlikely, and this little farewell scene struck such an awkward chord with me in its egregious level of board-clearing. Is the Night's Watch still...a thing? I suppose not, considering their entire existence was based around stopping the White Walkers—great job, dudes!—but if they are, Sam is pretty blatantly breaking some vows here. "Bye Sam, thanks for all the help, hope you don't get executed!" Is he ever gonna' tell Gilly that Jon isn't even his real name? What about Tormund, who got over that whole Brienne thing real quick because Weiss and Benioff didn't think it was funny anymore? Dude's just gonna' eff off back to Castle Black to do...nothing?

Yeah, anyway, none of this comes even close to the white-hot fury I feel over this:

What The F*ck Was That Goodbye to Ghost?

Shout-out to Daenerys Targaryen for flying her dragon child directly into death by pirate ambush and still only being the second worst pet owner in this episode. I am seething, seething at Jon leaving Winterfell without giving Ghost at least one last pat on his Very Good Head.

Did you know that the scene in the Godswood where the Stark children find their direwolves is the first scene George R.R. Martin wrote in A Song of Ice and Fire, back before most of the surviving Stark actors were born? Didn't it feel like those wolves were important to the plot, somehow? Do you remember when Ghost saved Jon from a Wight? When the pair were reunited beyond the wall with a heartwarming "I missed you boy"? When Jon looked Sam in the face during the Battle of Castle Black and said, "I need him more than I need you"? What...happened there, to end that man-and-his-dog relationship with the same head nod you give someone you only kind've recognize from high school when you pass each other at a Costco? And don't mention the CGI budget. I get it, but I don't require much. Stick a normal-sized dog on a box and have Kit Harington rub his ears for 5 seconds.

Infuriating. I will be salty about the way Jon treated Ghost until the day I die, which will most likely be two weeks from today when the finale of this stupid wonderful show about dragons gives me an aneurysm.