Matt Live-Blogs the 2012 Golden Globe Awards

     January 15, 2012


The Golden Globes are a bit of a silly ceremony and that’s part of what makes them so fun.  They used to have a modicum of influence over the Oscar nominations, but then deadlines were changed and now it’s just a fluffy ceremony where celebrities eat, drink, be merry, and receive recognition for performances and programs that will never be touched by the Emmys and the Oscars.  There’s some freedom to that and so we can cheer when The Hangover wins Best Comedy/Musical or Johnny Depp wins Best Actor for Sweeney Todd by virtue of being Johnny Depp.   And all of tonight will be made better by having Ricky Gervais as our host.

Click here for a list of the nominees and hit the jump for my on-going live-blog and be sure to keep refreshing the page for my comments.  You can also follow me on Twitter for more Globes commentary.  The 2011 Golden Globe Awards air at 8pm (EST) on NBC.

[All times Eastern]

7:50 – Nothing has happened yet.  Just me feeling the red carpet pain.  IT BURNS.

7:53 – If the red carpet was nothing by Bryan Cranston bantering, I would watch the whole thing.

8:00 –  Note: a quarter of the show will be spent by people trying to get around tables and make it to the stage.

8:01 – Gervais is summing up the Globes perfectly.  And Kim Kardashian.

8:02 – I’m not going to quote Gervais’ jokes.  They’re coming to fast and I’m laughing too hard.

8:06 – Is it just me or did this opening monologue feel tamer than last year’s?  Still funny, maybe it’s because we were expecting it.  Still funny though.

8:09 – Oh, dear.  Gervais’ power may have been sapped, especially because the horrible writers are capitalizing on it.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR (DRAMA) – Christopher Plummer for Beginners

8:10 – I’m all for Albert Brooks getting Best Supporting Actor awards but you’ll never hear me complain about Plummer picking it up.  Also, Plummer is being a class act in his acceptance speech.


8:14 – I’ve never seen Enlightened, but Parks & Recreation deserves every award (even in the categories where it didn’t receive a nomination).

8:20 – “When was the last time you did a cold reading in front of Steven Spielberg?”  The Lost World (I’m just kidding.  The Lost World didn’t have a script.)


8:21 – Yeah, I know I need to start watching this show.  Shut up.

BEST ACTRESS (MINI-SERIES OR TV MOVIE) – Kate Winslet for Mildred Pierce

8:24 – Yeah, I know I need to see this mini-series too.

8:26 – Apparently when you start thanking the costume department, that’s the cue for the “Wrap It Up” music.

8:32 – “We are international journalists…” HAHAHAHAHAHA  Yes…”journalists“…

8:34 – Ummm…where the fuck is Ricky Gervais?  He is needed to deflate the pretentiousness.

8:35 – Ahhh…Gervais relief.  Also: Atheism joke!

8:35 – Wait…so Paula Patton shit into a sink?  Must have missed that flick.

BEST ACTOR (TV SERIES – DRAMA) – Kelsey Grammer – Boss

8:36 – Hm.  I didn’t think it was possible for the Globes to be even more worthless.  But there you go (CRANSTON 4EVR)


8:38 – I must have gone deaf for a moment, because I didn’t hear Breaking Bad get mentioned for even a nomination.  That can’t be right.

8:40 – Everyone on The Wall is super bummed right now.

8:45 – FYI, none of the songs from The Muppets were nominated so that category is irrelevant.

BEST SCORE – The Artst

8:46 – On the one hand, the music is vital to that movie.  On the other hand, the climax isn’t his score.


8:49 – Madonna previously won a Globe for her performance in Evita.  It’s amazing that her acting career didn’t take off.

8:52 – They really should re-title this category to “Best Song by a Famous Person”.

8:57 – I always want Katherine McPhee to be referred to as “Co-star of Shark Night 3D“.


8:58 – It’s official.  If I haven’t seen your show, you’re going to win a Golden Globe.  You’re welcome.  Also: STRINGER BELL OWNS ALL OF YOU.

9:01 – Jodie Foster’s kids love boner jokes.

BEST ACTRESS (COMEDY OR MUSICAL) – Michelle Williams for My Week with Marilyn

9:02 – That’s right: Michelle Williams is so method that she played Marilyn Monroe around her kids. (Taking all those pills and marrying all those dudes was super awkward for everyone)


9:08 – This was the correct answer.

9:09 – Also, Jesse Tyler Ferguson holding up a “Whatever” sign behind Eric Stonestreet was the best moment of the night so far.

9:10 – Dustin Hoffman is bored by you Dinklage!  Bored, I say!

9:11 – Wait.  Is the star of Torque okay?!?!

9:12 – The Golden Globes: The only show where George Clooney and Brad Pitt can get on stage and praise each other’s movies.  So necessary.

9:13 – I believe Channing Tatum is sleep-presenting.

BEST ANIMATED MOVIE – The Adventures of Tintin

9:14 – Be as happy as you want, Tintin fans.  We all know Rango deserved to win it.

9:15 – The next Tintin movie: The Adventures of Tintin: Legend of the Yellow Pages.

9:21 – 50/50, one of the two movies where characters triumph over a bitchy Bryce Dallas Howard.

BEST MOTION PICTURE SCREENPLAYWoody Allen for Midnight in Paris

9:23 – That’s right.  Huffman and Macy just made sure they’re presentation overshadowed every acceptance speech tonight.  They can do that


9:24 – Lange was previously nominated for King Kong.  That’s the caliber of award show we’re looking at tonight, folks.

9:30 – I think Madonna asking Ricky Gervais to fuck her made his penis shrivel up, die, and fall off.


9:32 – I really want to see this movie but we don’t allow anything Iranian into Georgia.

9:33 – And now we’ve come to the point in the show where someone has said something truly important and worth considering.  Seriously, I need to see A Separation.

BEST ACTRESS (TV SERIES – DRAMA) – Claire Danes for Homeland

9:36 – Temple Grandin will rush the stage in 3…2…1…

9:44 – Tina Fey and Jane Lynch high-fiving over a dick joke is right up there with the guy saying Iranians are a peaceful people.

BEST ACTOR (TV SERIES – COMEDY) – Matt LeBlanc for Episodes

9:45 – Matt LeBlanc is as shocked as you are that anyone would give him an award other than the one he made out of tinfoil and gave to himself.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – Octavia Spencer for The Help

9:47 – You see, Spencer’s character was deep because her husband beat her.  Also, she put shit into baked goods.

9:48 – “I have a dream.  I have a dream I’ll be quoted on a frivolous awards show on behalf of a simple-minded movie that makes us feel like we’ve solved racism.  I’ve seen it from the mountaintop.”

9:54 – If you have a 3DTV, Reese Witherspoon’s boobs just poked you in the eye.

9:55 – Poitier just walked on the stage and the dignity in the room just increased by 150%.  This was measured in dignitrons.

9:58 – Helen Mirren, making a Morgan Freeman tribute about her.

10:00 – Morgan Freeman should narrate his own tribute video.

10:02 – “Morgan Freeman is a true artist.  And like any artist, he wants you to know that by using your Visa card, you and 11 friends could win tickets to the Super Bowl.”

10:04 – The Dignitron is going off the scale!  TOO MUCH DIGNITY.

10:11 – Charlize Theron is so fucking bored.  I don’t think she’s broken her Mavis Gary character.  That’s commitment.

BEST DIRECTOR – Martin Scorsese for Hugo

10:13 – For everyone who love Hugo, the Golden Globes matter now.

10:16 – Everyone was ready for Gervais this year, so everyone will say he wasn’t as funny.  This is how the HFPA is getting back at him.


10:17 – Well, duh.  This happens when you’re funnier than everything else on TV (although Parks & Recreation is a very close second).

10:22 – I can never understand what Sofia Vergara is saying but that’s because I’m staring at her chest.

BEST ACTOR (COMEDY OR MUSICAL) – Jean Dujardin for The Artist

10:25 – Ah!  Time for another French person to grapple with the English language.  Ho ho!  (I can’t speak a word of French).

10:26 – All awards for The Artist should be accepted with no talking, exaggerated facial expressions, background music, and an adorable dog.

10:27 – Biggest acceptance speech snub of the night: Uggie.

10:34 – Colin Firth is really racist, but it’s okay because they’re not races anyone cares about.

BEST ACTRESS (DRAMA) – Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady

10:35 – I have to admit, Meryl Streep really did play a famous person last year.

10:36 – I can feel Viola Davis being unimpressed by Meryl Streep all the way from here.

10:37 – Okay, Meryl Streep calling out actresses who weren’t even nominated?  All is forgiven.


10:40 – Uggie!  I’m sorry, what were we doing?

10:40 – If Harvey Weinstein was really The Punisher, he would kill more parkour kids.  I mean, he kills plenty already, but he would do it more often.

10:47 – Ricky, you’re missing prime No Strings Attached and Your Highness jokes.

BEST ACTOR (DRAMA) – George Clooney for The Descendants

10:48 – “Man, I showed my cock for NOTHING!”Michael Fassbender’s Brain

10:49 – Jodie Foster’s kids: still loving the dick jokes.

BEST MOVIE (DRAMA) – The Descendants

10:55 –  I totally understand The Artist and The Decendants winning a bunch of awards because I’m sure none of the voters watched either movie more than once.

So there you have it.  I don’t have closing thoughts.  I have no more thoughts.  I’m like the kid at the end of The Neverending Story II.  G’night!