We Almost Lived in the Glorious Timeline Where Hugh Jackman Starred in ‘Cats’

     April 16, 2020

the-greatest-showman-hugh-jackman-sliceEvery single time I watch Tom Hooper‘s Cats—which, for the record, is at minimum twice a week—I wonder if any ingredient could have made this mind-melding stew of horny CGI abominations any more potent. Of course, there’s a right answer. And of course that answer is Hugh Jackman, one of the most earnest, committed-to-cheese actors in Hollywood, who recently revealed he was this close to putting on a mo-cap suit and gyrating his balls at a milk machine. (Presumably.)

“Umm… yep,” the Australian actor told The Daily Beast when asked if his Les Miserables director tried to recruit him for the visual feline orgy known as Cats. Jackman continued, equally enthusiastically:

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Image via Universal

“You know, Tom rang me early on because we did Les Mis together, and there were a couple of options there based on availability and time, and I really… yeah, I just wasn’t available at the time.”

When I was a kid, around 10 or 11 years old, I fell off the front of a boat and the vehicle drifted over my head. Most of the adults present agreed that if I didn’t know how to swim, there’s a chance I might have been caught in the propellers. It’s a traumatic, horrifying memory for me, and I only tell it to people in the most clipped version possible, because nobody likes to revisit the time they came within a hair’s breadth of certain, unimaginable disaster.

Anyway, that’s how I picture Hugh Jackman telling The Daily Beast he was almost in Cats.

But man, he totally would have made that movie even better, wouldn’t he? Maybe “better” isn’t the right word. Hugh Jackman would have made Cats even more Cats than it already was, which is a dangerous level of Cats. Almost nobody commits harder than Hugh Jackman. Over 17 years my dude transformed from a kind’ve scrawny cage fighter in X-Men into literal Wolverine. The Greatest Showman works overtime to convince you P.T. Barnum wasn’t a terrible person through the sheer aggressiveness of Hugh Jackman’s twirling. Remember when Hugh Jackman ominously sang Nirvana to an army of ravenous children in Pan? Good lord. Imagine that type of energy directed at Cats. It would’ve completely altered the timeline. I sincerely believe that none of what we’re going through today would have occurred if Hugh Jackman sang that one song in Cats where Rum Tum Tugger is like “miiiiiiiilk.” Viruses cannot thrive in that type of heat.

For more on Cats, here is why the Jellicle Choice is bullshit.

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