Kelly Osbourne was revealed to be the Ladybug in last night’s episode of The Masked Singer, making her the latest celebrity to escape captivity on the white-hot reality show. Only a few episodes remain, meaning time is running out for us to guess the identities of the remaining contestants and save them from the island fortress where the show is presumably being filmed. I can only assume those who aren’t unmasked will be doomed to a life of charades and jukebox karaoke, and distributing pamphlets with wildly unscientific medical advice from Jenny McCarthy’s yoga instructor.
Sixteen celebrities were abducted at the beginning of the season and locked inside animal costumes, forced to perform for the twisted enjoyment of Robin Thicke and the rest of the Legion of Doom seated at the panelists’ table. Each week they taunt us with more clues and performances, as the desperate celebrities plead through voice modulators and prerecorded music for us to say their names like Rumpelstiltskin and free them from their costumed bonds. Last night, Hot Topic trivia question Kelly Osbourne was the lucky one, triumphantly tearing her ladybug head from her shoulders and tasting the sweet air of freedom for the first time in weeks. How that rush of relieved excitement must have felt, as she realized she’d soon be allowed to return home to the house her parents paid for and ask intensely racist questions on The View. Meanwhile, it seemed like the panelists really wanted Ladybug to be Lindsay Lohan. Maybe Lohan lives next door to Kelly Osbourne and/or was rooting through Osbourne’s garbage, and the Masked Singer’s hired muscle simply grabbed the wrong person. Either way, I’d put good money on Lindsay Lohan showing up next season in a fucking stegosaurus costume or something.
But the other competitors weren’t so lucky. After enduring rounds of earnestly bad guesses by Dr. Ken Jeong and deliberately bad guesses from a dog hand puppet, they were corralled back through the throats of the giant face gates at the ends of the stage and into the mirrorless dungeon below to await judgment in the next round. How long will it be until not even they know who they are anymore? Celebrity wrangler Nick Cannon walked out in a mirrorball rabbit mask, asserting his dominance over the singers by reflecting their own false faces back at them while pummeling them with animal puns. He’s like Oliver Reed from Gladiator.
First out was Fox, who was forced to perform surrounded by chains, because the cruelty of The Masked Singer knows no bounds. I’m still convinced the Fox is either Wayne Brady or Jamie Foxx, although the clues this week lean more in the Jamie Foxx direction. The item the Fox smuggled from home, presumably in the last moments before he was abducted by the Masked Singer staff, was a boombox with a dual cassette deck. Fox explained that he used this to find his own voice and many others. Jamie Foxx does impressions, and famously won an Oscar for essentially doing an impression of Ray Charles. Robin Thicke guessed AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys, because Robin Thicke is a great fool.
Dr. Ken Jeong insists Flower is Bjork, which seems unlikely if for no other reason than Bjork is 5’4”, and Flower is the same height as Nick Cannon, who is six feet tall. It’s wild that a medical doctor doesn’t seem to be aware of the size differential, but perhaps Dr. Ken is only on staff to make sure the Masked Singers are getting the proper nutrients injected into their feeding tubes, for removal of the masks are not permitted for any purpose. Robin Thicke guessed Patti LaBelle, and I hate being forced to agree with Robin Thicke, but his guess makes the most sense to me. One of her older clues mentioned being a spokesperson for baking, and Patti LaBalle has a line of cakes named after her. Another one of Flower’s clues mentioned a talent show, which could be a reference to the talent show LaBelle won at age 16 to begin her singing career. Finally, there’s a brief shot of a bust of Apollo, and LaBelle was inducted into the Apollo Theater Hall of Fame.
The dog puppet guessed Jennifer Holliday, because Flower makes a reference to Dreamgirls in her clue packet and Holliday was in the original Broadway musical version of Dreamgirls. Dr. Ken offered half his Hangover royalties for Flower if she would tell him who she was, which is the closest thing to a Faustian bargain I’ve yet seen on television. Her item was a deck of cards, which I cannot connect to either LaBelle or Holliday but I can say is a common thing you would attempt to smuggle into prison with you to pass the time without clawing apart your own sanity.
I’m pretty sure the Tree is Ana Gasteyer. The panelists narrowed down that she was on Saturday Night Live thanks to previous allusions to 30 Rockefeller Plaza (where SNL is filmed), and tossed out guesses like Molly Shannon and Cheri Oteri. But Tree’s personal item from home was a bowl of soup, which she explained by saying she might not be where she is today without it. Gasteyer’s first role was as a customer of the infamous Soup Nazi on an episode of Seinfeld. Of course, it could also just be a desperate plea for food not delivered via intubation by Dr. Ken Jeong.
The Tree’s clue packet also featured scattered Broadway playbills, and Gasteyer was in a production of The Threepenny Opera on Broadway. She tossed out a pointed reference to Strangers With Candy, leading the celebrity panelists to guess Amy Sedaris, but it could’ve either been a red herring or an obtuse reference to Gasteyer’s role in the Showtime movie musical Refer Madness. Or I could just be deadass wrong.
The conspicuous abs of the Rottweiler were on full display once again, in addition to clues suggesting roots in North Carolina and a role on a cop show. He sang a song by Ed Sheeran, which is the universal sign of being in distress. We were unable to release him from his costumed prison this week, despite the mascot tribunal offering guesses like Gavin DeGraw and Darren Criss. I’m admittedly stumped on this one, but the popular theory on the internet is that Rottweiler is American Idol winner Chris Daughtry. Daughtry is from North Carolina, and did indeed guest star on an episode of CSI: NY. Also, Rottweiler is clearly a professional singer, and Daughtry has been performing for over a decade. I do not have any information on Daughtry’s abs.
That’s it for this week’s episode. Over the next seven days, I will study video from the previous episodes to try and decode previous clues I may have missed, as well as search for subtle hand gestures and any regional items of clothing worn by members of the audience that may reveal the studio’s location so that I may relay it to the proper authorities. If all goes well, the Masked Singers will be free from their costumes and safely back on Dancing With the Stars in time for sweeps week.