Hollywood has a habit of destroying the world again and again, or at least a pretty significant chunk of it. A recent example, San Andreas, saw Dwayne Johnson as Ray Gaines, an LAFD Search and Rescue helicopter pilot who has to go all the way from Los Angeles to San Francisco in the middle of an unprecedented string of earthquakes to save his daughter (Alexandra Daddario).
The large majority of big budget natural disaster movies are absolutely ludicrous, but on the off chance a massive comet makes a beeline for Earth, a volcano pops up in the middle of a heavily populated city or the entire San Andreas Fault erupts, we know a thing or two about surviving the impossible thanks to some big screen heroics and blunders. Here are some vital survival tactics that could save your life in a natural disaster according to Hollywood.
It’s happening. Just believe it and move on.
Unnecessary panic isn’t a good thing, but widespread casualties are way worse. Do you know how much time city officials in Volcano wasted investigating instead of evacuating? Mike Roark (Tommy Lee Jones) was super suspicious almost immediately after that earthquake hit, but because poor Amy Barnes (Anne Heche) couldn’t secure enough evidence to support her claim that a volcano was bubbling up underneath Los Angeles, lava overpowered the city and they couldn’t come up with a solid plan to stop it quickly. The down side of acting fast? Your crazy underground volcano theory will make people think you’re a crackpot for a bit, but at least you’ll get a head start and they’ll be thanking you later on.
Don’t live in a big city.
Live in a big city? You’re doomed if a natural disaster strikes. San Andreas wipes out Los Angeles and San Fransisco, the events of Deep Impact leave Washington DC in ruins and a meteor shower seemingly chooses New York City in Armageddon in order to blow up busses, cabs, skyscrapers, Grand Central and folks wearing “I Love NY” t-shirts. Here’s a good rule of thumb - if it’d look cool to blow up your hometown on the big screen, you probably should move out. If moving isn’t an option, the least you could do is stay away from famous landmarks like The White House, the Empire State Building and especially the Golden Gate Bridge.
Know the right people.
Go find your own Leo Biederman (Elijah Wood), and fast. If comets are coming to destroy the earth, there’s no way we’re all fitting into the government’s cave-based hideaway. Don’t rely on some random lottery. Go find yourself a super important pre-selected individual and get married. Knowing the right people also comes in handy if you wind up stranded in the middle of the elements. If Sam Hall’s (Jake Gyllenhaal) dad didn’t happen to be a paleoclimatologist, who knows if Sam would have survived the storm in The Day After Tomorrow.
Have a very special set of skills.
It’s good to know the right people, but it’s better to be the right person yourself. Dwayne Johnson is essentially indestructible as a Los Angeles Fire Department recuse pilot in San Andreas and Pierce Brosnan knows all the right moves to narrowly escape an erupting volcano as a United States Geological Survey volcanologist in Dante’s Peak. The only possible issue with being a person with a very useful set of skills is that you may be called upon to save the entire planet, and that rarely ends well. (See: Last entry of this article.)
Have loved ones.
Are you a recluse/loner like 2012’s Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson)? You probably won’t survive a natural disaster. Disaster movies have a habit of setting up secondary characters so that they can help get the main players to safety only to be blown away by a cataclysmic event themselves. But realistically speaking, you will have a much better shot at surviving a perilous situation if you’re surrounded by loved ones or have loved ones looking for you. Look at the Bennett family in J. A. Bayona’s The Impossible. Lucas (Tom Holland) was busy protecting his mother, Tomas (Samuel Joslin) kept an eye on Simon (Oaklee Pendergast) and if Henry (Ewan McGregor) hadn’t been so determined to track down Maria (Naomi Watts), who knows when she would have been flown out of the region? No matter the situation, the need to keep a loved one safe will always up your resolve and, therefore, your chances of surviving.
Stick with a dog.
As you may know, I absolutely cannot handle anything bad happening to a pet and, oddly enough, dogs have an incredible survival rate in disaster films. A French Bulldog named Little Richard actually manages to survive the New York City meteor shower in Armageddon, young Jo’s (Helen Hunt) dog merely watches as her father is sucked out of their tornado shelter in Twister, Linda Hamilton saves Ruffy in Dante’s Peak and, on top of that, a cute little dog saves himself and his bone from being incinerated by lava in Volcano.
Stay fit.
I spend a good deal of time at the gym, but climbing stairs never seems to get any easier so I give Daddario a whole lot of credit for rushing up quite a few floors in San Andreas. Whether you’re trying to get to higher ground, carrying an injured person to safety, moving debris, trekking through the snow or trying to outrun a massive wave, you’re going to need to be in good shape to do it. A little more working out now could make you the lucky one who manages to leap to safety just before the road behind you collapses later on. (Exception to the Rule: Apparently all of the drillers-turned-astronauts in Armageddon were both physically and mentally unfit for their mission, but some of them still make it home.)
Don’t try to save the world. Save yourself and your loved ones.
Yes, this sounds terribly selfish, but if you step up to save all of humanity, the odds will not be in your favor. A good deal of the astronauts aboard the Freedom and Independence in Armageddon don't survive the mission and the entire crew of the Messiah had to sacrifice themselves in order to stop the Wolf fragment of the comet from destroying the Earth in Deep Impact. However, if you keep your efforts grounded and just try to help your friends and family steer clear of an F5 tornado, tidal wave, earthquake or volcano, there’s a shot that the large majority of you could live happily ever after together.