Behold the unholy crapstorm that is Nature’s Grave, the most incoherent attempt at a horror movie I have ever seen. Dramatically inert, devoid of scares and completely limp, this movie has absolutely no business existing other than to irritate the frakking hell out of me. To date this is the most difficult assignment I’ve gotten for the simple reason that this stupid movie is damn near impossible to describe. The sheer ineptitude on display is bewildering and very, very sad. I’ll do my best to explain why it’s so freakishly awful after the jump.
The alleged story begins with endlessly bickering couple Peter (Jim Caviezel) and Carla (Claudia Karvan) taking a camping trip for a few days. A few minutes spent with these loathsome characters and it becomes abundantly clear that they deserve whatever they’re about to get. And the question of why these two people who obviously abhor each other would want to take a trip together is never explained. Our loss, I suppose. From there it’s a swift toboggan ride into absurdity, with many other questions raised and never answered. Here are some of the “highlights”:
— A spear gun goes off of its own accord and nearly kills Carla. How? No clue.
— Another couple is found dead at a nearby campsite. What killed them? Don’t know.
— Best of all, a dead sea cow is discovered on the beach and each day it manages to somehow crawl closer and closer to the couples’ campsite until it ends up right in the middle of it. Does it come alive and attack? Nope. So why is it there? No bloody idea.
These and many other brilliant WTF? moments are littered throughout this hot mess of a movie. The actors acquit themselves admirably even though they’re not given much to do other than to act like jerks. How Caviezel could go from the worldwide hit The Passion of the Christ to the straight-to-video Nature’s Grave is anyone’s guess.
Leave Nature’s Grave out in the bone yard where it belongs.