Paul Writes an Open Letter to Gaming Goddesses

     December 17, 2007

Written by Paul Stuart

Every heterosexual man loves an effeminate woman who digs sports.

By ‘digs,’ I mean the kind who knows the difference between a fastball and changeup, running back versus fullback, can drink a non-lite beer without nose wrinkling, and swears like a sailor during the Stanley Cup playoffs. If this same chick can stomach sci-fi, you’ve found yourself both a wife, my friend, plus the envy of all your chums. Men want to be with her, woman like her.

Related and in the push to suck in non-traditional video gamers, women – many of these the girls above — are the bullseye target for gaming and hardware manufacturers alike. There’s something simultaneously hot and chic about getting fragged by a girl.

“Honey, can we play Halo?”

“Only if I get to drive the buggy.”

Damn, that makes me horny.

Popular culture slang-termed these chicks ‘gaming goddesses.’ Morgan Webb from X-Play? Gaming goddess. World of Warcraft fem-warriors? Gaming goddess. Chicks who work at video game stores? Hold your horses.

Problem is, being the object of worship in the All Boys’ Club is starting to get to these goddesses’ heads. In the case of female video game employees, what was once cool (‘I’m talking Madden with a girl named Victoria. Huhuhuhuhuh…AWESOME’) is quickly becoming obnoxious. In specific, a sixaxis controller labia endless attitude does not equal endlessly tolerable.

Gaming goddesses of the world, pwn’ing one does not empower you to simultaneously flirt and insult. Press mute on the unprovoked, endless lectures downgrading my PSP in comparison to your DS. Cease soliloquies espousing how gaming mags dissed on the Wii game I just brought to the register. Hey you, erase the wry smiles and open sighs when asked for help, ditto on sarcasm to simple questions.

Trust me on this one: I’m not alone in these sentiments. A gaming buddy recently enacted a zero tolerance policy to deal with the ‘gaming goddess gone wild’ phenomena. One of the above actions occurs, he leaves sans purchase.

Two insults and attitude-laced tirades later, Mr. and Mrs. Stuart walked out on a gaming goddess this afternoon. Between goddess and her merry men (two intimidated, pseudo-silent co-workers), we had enough after only 5 minutes’ time. We too left sans purchase.

In honor of the holiday season: please gaming goddesses, return to the objects of lore you once occupied among the pedestals of men. We want you in the All Boys’ Club…just stop peeing on the floor.

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