Like a ship coming into shore for the final time, The Crown Season 5 says adieu (or maybe cheerio?) until Season 6 next year with its season finale, “Decommissioned.” As the title and my clunky intro suggest, this episode concludes the season-long storyline/ham-handed metaphor regarding the fate of the Britannia, the royal yacht that the Queen (Imelda Staunton), Phillip (Jonathan Pryce), and every other character tell us repeatedly is symbolic of the monarchy. It’s a title that tells you everything you need to know about the ship's fate and how the monarchy feels about its relevance as they approach the new millennium.
For the Royals, it’s all doom and gloom, but for Dodi Fayed (Khalid Abdalla), it’s all California sun. After Chariots of Fire’s success, Los Angeles is his home now, and Dodi is on the hunt for an actual home to call his own. Unfortunately, when he finds the perfect one in Malibu, it’s a little out of his price range (and Michael Douglas is gearing to outbid him). He calls Daddy-Warbucks Mohammed “Mou Mou” Al-Fayed (Salim Daw) back in London for a couple of favors: the deposit, their private jet, and an audience so his father can meet his new girlfriend, Kelly Fisher (Erin Richards). Fayed’s incredulous at it all but ostensibly concedes; our first glimpse that Fayed’s patience wears thin at his son’s frivolity.
Speaking of frivolity, the population of Britain openly votes on whether they think the monarchy is pointless in a primetime TV debate/telethon titled “Monarchy, the Nation Decides.” Princess Diana (Elizabeth Debicki) watches at home alone (she’s always alone these days) as citizens debate the validity of the monarchy; when it’s time to call in to vote, Diana hilariously (if not a tad pettily) calls in to vote “no” over and over again. The open debate does not go unnoticed by the Royals, who discuss it over lunch at Elizabeth’s birthday party. The results worry Prince Charles (Dominic West) but not anyone else; the only result they joke is notable is how 100% voted they do not want a King Charles III. It’s the second time we see Charles’ precarious standing within the family, the first earlier when Prince Andrew’s (James Murray) gift of a Big Mouth Billy Bass (of course) overshadows Charles’s birthday present of a painting he made. Charles is even more concerned about the family’s standing due to another political development: the landslide election of Tony Blair (Bertie Carvel) and the Labour party. He fears that with a new progressive government in power, “wholesale change is afoot.” This brings the group’s discussion to another government coming into power: Hong Kong’s transfer from Britain’s rule to the Chinese. After some racist jabs from the Queen Mother (Marcia Warren) (“the great Chinese takeaway!”), it’s decided that Charles should go in the Queen’s place to oversee the proceedings. After all, as Philip asserts, a monarch should never be present when a “colony cuts ties.” The Queen Mother and Philip each unknowingly prove Charles’ point: the monarchy looks as outdated as ever.
While the monarchy is listless, our boy Dodi is in the prime of his life. Daddy Mou Mou sent the jet, which Dodi uses to rail lines of cocaine and his swimwear model girlfriend at 35,000 feet as he flies to London. Aping Tony Montana in his monogrammed silk robe, Dodi pours over blueprints for renovations on his new home and strategizes with Kelly how they can get his father to foot the bill. Dodi’s ten years in Hollywood have shaped him into a far cry from the man we met in Episode 3, but hey — that’s showbiz, baby. Kelly’s nervous about meeting Fayed (she craves his approval and money for the house), but Dodi (perhaps naively) doesn’t seem concerned. What’s not to like, he says? In his defense, I also wouldn’t be too concerned (of anything) if I was blown out with a naked model on a G5.
In London, Charles plans a less glamorous trip to China to oversee Hong Kong’s transfer. It’s pretty far for a three-day trip, he whines, but… it could be worth it if he tacks on a pleasure cruise on the Britannia with Camilla Parker Bowles (hubba hubba). This extended itinerary would also give him a chance to score a private audience with the new Prime Minister — a man with whom Charles hopes he can forge a partnership. Strong relations with Blair will be paramount for the future of the Crown in these uncertain times, as well as Charles’ own Royal ambitions. Slick-rick PR man Mark Bolland (Ben Lloyd Hughes) agrees that Charles and Blair could be a match made in heaven and moves to covertly set the plan into action. A private audience with the Prime Minister on the Queen’s yacht is unlikely to go over well with Mummy.
Elsewhere, the comedown is real for Dodi, as Kelly’s introduction to his Dad is not going well. Fayed acknowledges she’s cute over dinner but doesn’t understand why Dodi sees anything more here. In the first of a series of brutal retorts, Fayed asks, “Can’t you just fuck her?” — even with Kelly and Fayed’s wife at the table, oblivious as Dodi and Fayed bicker in Arabic. Fayed digs in: who is this woman’s family? Do they have money? Are they their equals? Fayed’s suspicious of Kelly’s intentions and even more suspicious of Dodi’s plans. Having bankrolled a series of Dodi’s recently flopped films, Fayed scoffs at Dodi’s suggestion that he’ll make the necessary money for his and Kelly’s life together. Then Fayed goes in for the kill: the only talent Dodi has ever had is for women, and he knows his son can do better than this. Kelly may not speak Arabic, but she senses something is up. She reaches to Dodi with a consolatory “you ok, baby?” to which Fayed quips in Arabic, “you are right… ‘baby.’” Ice-cold, Daddy Mou Mou, ice-cold.
Former Prime Minister John Major (Jonny Lee Miller) ain’t exactly feeling the love either, forced to face the facts that the public overwhelmingly voted him out of a job. He sits with the Queen, quietly dejected, as she admits he was one of her favorites. A consolation prize for Major and another sign Elizabeth is increasingly frustrated by the change swirling around her. Major apologizes for never being able to address the issue of the Royal yacht, but promises he will backchannel with the new government to try and salvage the Britannia. At the mention of the new government, Elizabeth can’t help but pry. What is Major’s opinion of the new PM? After pointing out the common criticism Blair is young, and his success is due to image over substance, Major also devastatingly points out another truth. Despite Blair’s age, he has achieved a great deal, including capturing the country's mood. Something Major “clearly failed to do.” Can someone please hug this sad, sweet man?
Almost immediately afterward, Elizabeth finds herself face to face with Major’s replacement, Tony Blair. The Queen appears to be a single-issue voter and promptly brings up the Britannia, for which Blair has a progressive solution. They will get the Royals a brand-new yacht! The Queen seems quietly tickled until Blair explains that it will be new but not theirs per se. He proposes they seek private funding for the boat and then lease it back to the Royals whenever they want it (aka, a rental). To add insult to injury (and crash a hammer over our heads with the metaphor), Blair suggests they name the new ship “New Britain,” - which just so happens to be the political slogan he ran on. Incensed, Elizabeth relays the update to the family in private, and they all agree it’s ridiculous. Well, except for Charles, who points out that the arrangement is pretty standard for commercial tankers and that he doesn’t hate the name. After a collective eye-roll from the room (STFU, Charles!), the Queen announces her surrender on the issue. If Blair’s proposal is to be the fate of the Britannia, she would rather see it decommissioned. In private, Charles expresses how obviously distressed his mummy is at the symbolism, “like she felt she was being decommissioned” (THANK YOU, PETER MORGAN, WE GET IT!). But Charles’ distress for his mummy then turns to himself when he learns that he will have to fly business (GASP!) to China while the PM and his cabinet will be flying first class. If it weren’t enough heavy-handed metaphor, we watch Charles longingly look ahead to first class on the flight as Blair’s cabinet pops champagne and closes the curtain on Charles. Yes, Peter, we see — the curtain is closing on the monarchy!
Later, Fayed’s wife suggests that Fayed was too hard on Dodi. After all, wasn’t she a model when Fayed married her? Fayed affectionately (and laughably) points out she wasn’t a model, as was a socialite. We all know where this is going, as there happens to be a particular single, lonely, beautiful socialite from an esteemed family currently aimless and forsaken in London. And what do you know — she’s attending the same stuffy Swan Lake performance as Fayed and his wife that night! Seeing Diana at the concert, Fayed playfully signs across the room to Diana that she should come out with them after the show. After some polite refusals, she accepts, and on the way to dinner, speeding paparazzi hound them through the streets of London (some grim foreshadowing). At dinner, Diana, for the millionth time, bemoans her grief and loneliness in the wake of her separation and subsequent divorce (I’m kind of with the Queen at this point, haven’t we heard this enough?). Fayed sympathizes and invites Diana and her boys to join them in St. Tropez for a summer holiday. There will be speedboats, jet skis, a giant yacht — it will all be very “Egyptian and vulgar,” and she’ll love it (maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree). Diana promises to think about it, but who would turn that down?
In Hong Kong (which looks to be on the same backlot they film all of Marvel’s generic Asian locales), Charles gives a farewell speech dripping in melancholy, literal rain, and, you guessed it — metaphor! Afterward, he finally gets a one-on-one meeting with Blair aboard the Britannia. After a long-winding analogy, Charles states his intention: he hopes he and Blair can be brothers, united in their desire for a reformed, modern Britain. Blair had wrongly assumed this meeting was about the Britannia, which he admits he partially regrets decommissioning. Charles doubles down — after witnessing the transfer in Hong Kong, he couldn’t be more confident it’s time for Britain to chart a new path forward. That includes letting go of the Britannia and some of the monarchy’s outdated traditions. Which leads Charles to show all of his cards, as his true motivation comes to light: maybe it’s time for the Crown to allow a certain divorced Prince to seek re-marriage, too. Blair, a politician through and through, refuses to show his cards as Charles did. But in private, he admits to his wife that Charles impressed him. Especially in how willing he was to shit-talk his family. Blair, sympathetic to Charles’ plight, may prove to be the ally Charles so desperately wants him to be.
It’s not welcome news to Mummy, who requests a meeting with Charles after she hears he had a private chat with Blair on the Britannia. When he arrives, the Queen politely expresses her dissatisfaction with his recent actions. It was inappropriate for Charles to have an open “affair” with Camilla on the Royal yacht of all places. Charles can’t believe his ears — an affair? They’re both divorced and “willing” (gross); what is the big deal? She’s even less enthused about his private meeting with Blair (no doubt threatened) and stresses it’s not his territory to have a personal relationship with the Prime Minister. Digging the knife further, she even alleges Charles may not be as in touch with the public as he claims to be. She reminds him that in that televised debate, the public voted in favor of the monarchy but not him. Some tough love from Mummy! In one last plea, Charles gets down to the heart of why he feels there’s an urgent need for reform. Because if they don’t change and move with the times, the public may throw the monarchy away as Hong Kong did. And selfishly, nothing would be left for him to rule when he becomes king.
But perhaps it may already be too late. The episode closes with a mournful montage of Elizabeth silently saying a solo farewell to the Britannia, grieving not only for its passing but also for the end of the era it represents. The post-war era, where the Crown reigned supreme. Her era. As Elizabeth reminisces on this closing chapter, Diana’s unaware she’s about to enter her next (and final) one as she prepares to sail out on Fayed’s yacht. On this fateful trip, Dodi reconnects with Diana, leading to the beginning of their relationship and the end of Dodi’s with Kelly Fisher. It marks the beginning of Dodi and Diana’s end, another nail in the coffin of the monarchy’s grip over Britain.