The Masked Singer declared war on God last night by publicly executing the Christmas Tree after its rendition of Lady Gaga’s “The Edge of Glory” failed to slap hard enough to appease the throaty howls of the captive audience. The tree was revealed to be SNL alumnus Ana Gasteyer. I told you it was her. I told you all, but you wouldn’t listen. And now there will be no Christmas this year, for The Masked Singer has destroyed it.
Only Jenny McCarthy, her senses honed from years of scanning the horizon for signs of any vaccinated children wandering too close to her Wahlburgers franchise, correctly guessed that Gasteyer was hidden within the Tree’s hollowed-out mascot carcass. She grew so excited over this turn of events that she sprang up from her seat at the table of the Supreme Court of Adultz Bop and announced that she had peed her pants. I assume she then collected the urine in a baggie and took it home to boil for a chelation tincture.
After the ritual slaying of the Tree, only 5 competitors remain, which means I have to endure another three hours of trying to decide whether Robin Thicke’s skull has been gradually increasing in size or if it’s merely some cruel trick of the light. Ken Jeong continued his streak of pummeling the room with such obviously bad guesses that I fear for the lives of the patients he treated during his medical career. Nicole Scherzinger wept so openly at a performance of a Lewis Capaldi song that I’m beginning to suspect she tumbled out of a Nicole Scherzinger clone vat earlier that evening and this is the first time she’s ever heard music.
Nick Cannon manages to find a new way each week to dress like a wizard getting ready for bed. On tonight’s episode, he referred to the show as a “costume party,” and I immediately slashed the words “Never learn what Nick Cannon thinks a costume party is” into my chest with a soup can lid. You should consider doing the same. Nobody is safe with that knowledge.
The episode began with an In Memoriam montage of all the unmasked celebrities from this season, which has only served to further convince me that The Masked Singer is a room with no exit. T-Pain, who claimed victory last year, was back to help pass judgment on the new batch of singing gladiators. Indeed, if T-Pain couldn’t escape, what hope does Paul Shafer have?
First, the Fox performed “Blame It On The Booze” by Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain. I’ve maintained that Fox is either Wayne Brady or Jamie Foxx for the past few weeks, and lately I’ve been leaning towards Brady, although we need to consider the very real possibility that he is Oscar-winner Tommy Lee Jones. In his clue package, the Fox mentioned feeling “unchained” and not needing to wear his superhero costume anymore. Both of those could be references to Foxx, who starred in Django Unchained and played the supervillain Electro in The Amazing Spider-Man 2. However, Brady also plays a superhero on the show Black Lightning, and a quick drawing of the Fox standing in front of three empty stools could’ve been a reference to Brady’s time on the improv show Whose Line Is It Anyway? During the song, Fox threw down an impressive dance and the judges’ table flew to their feet to receive their tribute. “Dance for us!” their greedy eyes screamed. “Dance for our favor!”
The Leopard’s clue package consisted primarily of tennis references, because the Leopard is fucking Seal, which should be obvious every time he holds a microphone up to his Leopard mask and Seal’s fucking voice comes out of it. Seal has attended Chris Evert’s Pro Celebrity Tennis Classic the past few years in a row.
There was also a shot of a tiny smashed-up motorcycle, and Seal was in a motorcycle accident when he was younger. He performed “We Are Young” by Fun, which was punctuated by a shot of Jeong enthusiastically not knowing the words. Robin Thicke guessed Seal, and I swear to Abbadon I saw his head get slightly bigger. Ken Jeong guessed Enrique Iglesias, because Ken Jeong is a terrible Pictionary partner.
Thingamajig continues to be Victor Oladipo. He showed off some MVP stickers (Oladipo has received a number of awards, including Big Ten defensive player of the year when he was in college) and mentioned not having time to be “crabby,” which is a reference to Oladipo’s home state of Maryland. He sang “Ordinary People” by John Legend, and everyone in the building started crying. Even Robin Thicke looked emotional, like the Ghost of Christmas Past just made him relive 2015. You could almost see tears running down the front of his ever-ballooning skull. I suspect this season’s big reveal is that Robin Thicke is actually a mascot costume being worn by Tommy Lee Jones.
Jenny McCarthy thinks the Flamingo is Adrienne Bailon, but Jenny McCarthy also thinks that injecting a person with industrial chemicals can cure autism. However, Bailon has long seemed the most likely prisoner of the Flamingo costume based on the past several weeks of clues, and this week she hinted that she’d shared some “couch time” with one of the judges. Bailon hosts the daytime talk show The Real, on which several of the judges has been a guest. Except, for some reason, Jenny McCarthy.
The twin mask stage doors look like they’re vomiting at each other, and their vomit intersects at the exact center of the stage where all of the Masked Singers perform. I am certain this means something.
I’m not going to waste any more time decoding Rottweiler’s clues, for he is clearly Chris Daughtry, the baldest American Idol. If Rottweiler doesn’t win this competition, that will be the final sign that something foul has broken loose in the universe and has fixed its countless eyes upon us. He told the panel of judges “I have been on the same list as one of you, and it was not on People’s Sexiest Man Alive.”
Robin Thicke immediately guessed Darren Criss, because Criss sang one of Robin’s dumbass songs on Glee and Thicke’s infamous date rape jingle “Blurred Lines” hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. But Chris Daughtry has also had a few songs on the Billboard Hot 100, Robin. Stop your dark skull magic this instant.
Nicole Scherzinger guessed Jared Leto, but quite frankly I am offended at the suggestion that any Academy Award-winning actor not named Tommy Lee Jones would appear on The Masked Singer. Ken Jeong guessed Bow Wow because Rottweiler is a dog and Dr. Ken hails from the world of improv comedy.
Tomorrow night, another singer will be unmasked. I expect Thicke’s head to have grown to the size of a parade float and replaced the judges’ table by then.