‘The Masked Singer’ Has Claimed Two More in Its Boundless Hunger

     December 12, 2019

Last night’s double-elimination round of The Masked Singer tore two more felt heads from the bodies of wealthy animals last night. Thingamajig was revealed to be NBA star Victor Oladipo, a truth I have been screaming for weeks until my throat went raw with the bloody gravel of indifferent ears. I suspect this failure weighs heavily upon him, as it may have cost him the favor of Nicole Scherzinger.

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Image via Fox

The Leopard was fucking Seal, just like I fucking said he was. Look at him. Look at Seal. Is this not enough for you, Masked Singer? Have I not defeated you?

Back-to-back episodes of celebrity fursona karaoke is too much spectacle for any one mind to bear in a single 24 hour period, so I will do my best to run through the rest of my predictions as quickly as possible. I fear if I linger too long, The Masked Singer’s great wandering eye will settle upon me, and a new episode will begin.

I have weighed all of the clues from tonight’s episode against those handed down to us over previous weeks, and I have decided that the Flamingo can only be a swarm of bees. Vibrating, furious bees. Endless bees. Bees carrying tiny bee satchels containing smaller, angrier bees. Forever bees.

There is a slight possibility that the Flamingo could be a nest of live scorpions. If you watch her performance closely, you can hear thousands of tiny voices shouting, “We’re scorpions! We’re scorpions, Tom!” It could be a major clue.

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Image via Fox

The Rottweiler is either Chris Daughtry, or Tommy Lee Jones as Sam Gerard, his character from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals. My first clue was that Gerard’s team of Marshals affectionately refer to him as “big dog.” But Rottweiler’s profoundly highlighted abs are the dead giveaway here, because it is generally accepted as canon that Sam Gerard is doing thousands of stomach crunches whenever he isn’t onscreen.

If Rottweiler doesn’t turn out to be that grizzled old songbird of Hollywood legend, then I will eat Tommy Lee Jones’ hat. The big one that he wore in Man of the House to yell at all of those cheerleaders.

The Fox is a cloud of human screams, trapped within a mascot costume.

Next week, The Masked Singer will return with a final back-to-back block of episodes, after which it has promised to finally set us all free. I have my doubts, my friends. I have my doubts, indeed.

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