Over the last week, as America has discovered Joe Exotic and his new Netflix docuseries Tiger King, I've seen some inspired casting choices for the inevitable movie based on the show... and I've seen some terrible ones. The problem with the fantasy casts that I've seen is that none of them feel particularly cohesive. Writers just choose actors who look like the wacky people in Tiger King, without any regard to whether those actors would work well together, or if people would even pay to see that movie. Now, if Netflix is as smart as I think it is, the streamer has already locked down the rights to make a two-hour feature film based on Tiger King, so it's up for debate if this would even be a theatrical play, but for the purpose of this exercise, I want you to imagine it is. Imagine it's a big summer movie from Universal Pictures, because that's the kind of movie I have in mind.

As far as casting goes, you have to decide what version of this you want to make. As horrible as animal abuse is, I think the Tiger King movie would have to be played for laughs. It's clearly a comedy, albeit one with danger, kind of like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. It has to be a little in on the joke, but at the same time, willing to play it straight, which given this cast of characters, might even be funnier. So for the purposes of this article, I want you to imagine we're making the type of rare studio comedy that can be a global hit. One driven by big stars, and from a director with comedy experience who the industry respects. And really, the director is the key to this whole article, as in all likelihood, they're the ones signing off on casting. So let's start there, and then delve into the wild world of Joe Exotic, his arch-nemesis Carole Baskin and more than a dozen other characters, though keep in mind that cuts had to be made, all due respect to Tim Stark and Doc Antle's three wives.

David Gordon Green as Director (with Danny McBride as his co-writer)

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Image via Blumhouse/Netflix

David Gordon Green is a good filmmaker, so that helps, especially when you have to turn a seven-hour documentary into a two-hour movie. Choices must be made, people! Green directed Pineapple Express, which made just over $100 million worldwide. His Halloween sequel made over $250 million worldwide. He's a proven commercial filmmaker with indie sensibilities, and I'll tell you what gave him the edge here over folks like Christopher Guest and Harmony Korine -- his films demonstrate a certain understanding of the South, and all that entails. This is a guy who can find the laughs in this story, the horror in this story, and the humanity amid this insanity. He would also co-write the script with his frequent collaborator Danny McBride, who could play any number of characters... or none at all.

Ben Stiller as Joe Exotic

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Image via Fox/Netflix

Ben Stiller really doesn't get the credit he deserves. He's been focused on directing lately, but he's still a movie star. Tropic Thunder and Tower Heist made more than $150 million worldwide, There's Something About Mary made well over $300 million worldwide, while Meet the Parents and Night at the Museum are billion-dollar franchises. People like watching this guy. He's one of the biggest comedy movie stars of the past 20 years, if not the biggest. He's also good with accents, and can pull off Joe Exotic's crazy facial hair. Sure, I could see Michael Keaton in the indie version of this story, and I think James Franco would be great, too, but I don't know how that pick would fare with audiences. I'm trying to keep the "average Joes" (shoutout to all the Dodgeball fans) interested in this Tiger King movie, not Film Twitter. Stiller would make a meal out of a part like this, and we know he's willing to humiliate himself on camera thanks to multiple scenes in Mary. Joe Exotic is kind of a lovable loser, and I think that kind of part is within Stiller's wheelhouse.

Melissa McCarthy or Kristen Wiig as Carole Baskin

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Image via Warner Bros./Netflix/Lifetime

Remember what I was saying earlier about danger? Carole is a woman who you have to be able to picture greeting all the "cool cats and kittens" out there on camera, and by day, feeding her husband to the tigers off-camera.. Melissa McCarthy is, simply put, one of the funniest women on the planet, and yet you can also see her committing mariticide. Plus, there's a ready-made role for Ben Falcone right there! We've all wanted to see him eaten by a tiger, right? Kristen Wiig is another comedienne who would nail this part, and though we haven't really seen her villainous side yet, we will this summer when Wonder Woman 1984 (hopefully) hits theaters. There's a reason she won that role in the first place, but for now, I'd have to give the edge to McCarthy. Give her a pair of big earrings, some tiger-print clothing and some ice-blue contact lenses, and she's good to go. The Goldbergs star Wendi McClendon-Covey would be an inspired choice as well, while SNL's Kate McKinnon is ineligible, as she's set to play Baskin in a narrative TV series based on the Wonder podcast about Joe and Carole.

Will Ferrell as Doc Antle

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Image via Paramount/Netflix

Will Ferrell as Doc Antle

One of the juiciest roles in this entire circus, this may have been the hardest to cast, simply because there was so much competition. Tim Robbins would be perfect, but he's not a draw like he used to be. Owen Wilson would be good too, and I loved the chemistry he and Stiller have shared onscreen over the years, but I have another role in mind for him. The same goes for Bob Odenkirk, who would also be a strong pick. But I think the right choice for Doc Antle is the obvious choice, and that would have to be Will Ferrell. I mean, he is Bhagavan. And a Stiller-McCarthy-Ferrell pairing would make for quite the comedy trio.

Woody Harrelson as Jeff Lowe

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Image via MGM/Netflix

Woody Harrelson as Jeff Lowe

For Jeff Lowe, you need someone who is going to be a little intimidating, and who still has some sex appeal to younger women. Someone who is clearly balding and wears a hat to hide it, but whom you wouldn't be surprised to hear is dating a woman half his age. Someone you can imagine yelling at Joe Exotic, and looking for the best spot along a bike path to shoot Carole. That left me with four choices -- Sean Penn, Bruce Willis, Michael Keaton, and Woody Harrelson. And yes, I know Tobin Bell looks just like Jeff Lowe, but at 77 years old, he may have aged out of the role, and either way, as I said earlier, you have to think in terms of a big studio comedy. When I think of the part in those terms, I'm left with Woody, and I'd point you towards his performance in Kingpin. If you gave Roy Munson a million dollars, are you telling me he wouldn't blow the money on an orgy mansion in Vegas and buy an exotic zoo in Oklahoma? Keaton deserves some kind of part in this movie, and I really, really wanted to cast Penn as Lowe, if only for the screaming matches, but if I'm trying to get laughs, Woody is the guy I want on set every day.

Jesse Plemons as Joshua Dial

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Image via Netflix

Jesse Plemons as Joshua Dial

Joshua Dial was one of the harder roles for me to cast, as he comes across as a relatively decent guy, but then again, you have to wonder, what reasonably intelligent person would get mixed up with Joe Exotic? There's something refreshingly wholesome about Dial, but also something a little naive, and frankly, a little creepy. After all, this is a guy who agreed to become Joe Exotic's campaign manager. That was never going to end well for him. Jesse Plemons has a bit of "aw shucks" to him, where you could see him accepting a job like that, and sticking it out when times get tough, and trying to make the most of the opportunity. but at the end of the day, he goes back to his job at Walmart, having been traumatized for life after witnessing a suicide. That's the beauty of Jesse Plemons. He can play Whitey Bulger's loyal enforcer in Black Mass, or the kind of midwestern family man who you'd never believe would hurt anyone on Fargo. I really liked what he brought to the 2018 comedy Game Night, and after playing the "weird one" in that movie, I could see him playing the "normal one" in this one.

Pete Davidson or Post Malone as John Finlay

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Image via Universal/Netflix

A tattooed guy with messed up teeth who can play gay? That would be Pete Davidson, who has actually played gay in both Set It Up and What Men Want. Plus, he's a budding movie star, and would benefit from working with all these comedy heavyweights. Maybe Judd Apatow could put in a good word for him? There's also tough guys like Shia LaBeouf and Tom Hardy, both of whom are great actors and true leads, and that's why I can't really see either one playing a small role in a movie like this. You know who I could see though? Post Malone! I'm not even kidding. I think he's funny -- I loved his Hot Ones episode -- and think he's very watchable onscreen. He's still a little green as an actor, but it's not like this would require too much heavy lifting. He could pull it off if Davidson turned down my fake offer. If both of them passed, I'd offer it to rising star Tony Cavalero, who plays Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones.

James Franco or Ezra Miller as Travis Maldonado

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Image via 20th Century Fox/Netflix/IFC Films

James Franco or Ezra Miller as Travis Maldonado

Travis is tall, tan and beautiful, and even though he's straight, he convinced Joe Exotic that he was gay. I'd say James Franco would be great for this part too, but as I noted before, casting him in a big studio movie may be problematic, which is why I'd keep Ezra Miller on standby. Franco and Miller are both a hair under six feet tall, and they both look good with the scruffy mustache-goatee combo. There's a softer side to each actor that would also serve them well in this role at least until, you know, the gunplay starts. Miller was pretty funny in Apatow's Trainwreck, but Franco worked with our Tiger King director Green before on Pineapple Express, so if he's willing to start his comeback with this eye candy supporting role, the role is his. Either way, it's all about the cheekbones, baby!

Dave Franco as Dillon Passage

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Image via Summit Entertainment/Netflix

Dave Franco as Dillon Passage

If you cast one Franco, you have to cast the other. I think that's an actual rule here in Hollywood. I've seen a lot of Zac Efron talk regarding Dillon Passage, but that's not who Dillon Passage is. He's not the guy flaunting his abs in Neighbors. No, he's the guy behind that guy, the loyal pal who knows he's not the star of the show, but is aware that the star needs him. He's not an alpha, but he's loyal, and willing to stand by his man even though Joe is in jail. That's the kind of guy Dave Franco is. He's your buddy through thick and thin. He's the Franco you can trust.

Werner Herzog or Bob Odenkirk as Rick Kirkman

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Image via AMC/Netflix/Disney+

Werner Herzog or Bob Odenkirk as Rick Kirkham

This was another tough one, because there's really no one else like Rick on the show. He was a well-liked journalist with a wild streak, and he sniffed out the potential of Joe Exotic early on, recognizing that with proper production value, he could make a fun show about the guy. The bottom line is, the guy is a storyteller. He's a good talker. Bob Odenkirk is a hell of a talker himself, as evidenced by his turn as Saul Goodman on both Better Call Saul and Breaking Bad. Plus, he looks damn good in a cowboy hat. Unfortunately... Rick Kirkham is the one role I would really mess around with and have fun with. Christopher Walken is one way you could take it, but I have an even better one -- Werner Herzog. Think about it... Kirkham is a filmmaker. He's the one calling the shots. Can you imagine Werner freakin' Herzog commenting documenting the proceedings in Tiger King, offering his unique commentary along the way. You wouldn't even have to write his lines, you could just let him improvise. I think it would be amazing, and i bet Rick Kirkham would agree. How could you possibly be disappointed by that idea?

Ilana Glazer as Barbara "Bala" Fisher

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Image via Comedy Central/Netflix

Ilana Glazer as Barbara "Bala" Fisher

Okay, we're starting to really get into the supporting players here. Barbara Fisher is one of Doc Antle's ex-girlfriends who shed some light on his polygamist ways. Doc Antle named her Bala, and frankly, I liked her energy, but you just know she's a little bit crazy to have gotten involved with the Antle clan in the first place. I liked Ilana Glazer in The Night Before (an underrated Christmas comedy, by the way) and think she'd fit right in with the rest of this ensemble, having earned her comedy cred as one of the creators and stars of Broad City. She ain't got nothing to prove to no one, but this would be a fun little role for her that she could put her stamp on.

Mickey Rourke or Tom Sizemore as Allen Glover

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Image via Fox Searchlight/Netflix/DreamWorks

Mickey Rourke or Tom Sizemore as Allen Glover

Okay, this is a good one! For Allen Glover, Jeff Lowe's loyal right hand man, you need someone a little bit older who's still tough as nails. Someone who you might theoretically hire to kill Carole Baskin. Are Mickey Rourke and Tom Sizemore not the first two guys in Hollywood who you'd a) ask to do this, and who b) would blow off the assignment to go party? As much as I want to throw Sizemore a bone here, because he's an amazing actor, so is Rourke, and he strikes me as a better fit for the role. He would have to shave his head -- that's non-negotiable -- so if he refused, I'd call Sizemore in a heartbeat. Both are guys I would not want to piss off.

Jack Black or an Actual Chucky Doll as James Garretson

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Image via Sony Pictures/Netflix/MGM

Jack Black or an actual Chucky doll as James Garretson

In the Tiger King series, someone refers to James Garretson as a human Chucky doll, and it's absolutely hilarious. Like, that is a sick burn! So the truth is, if I wasn't laughed out of the room for this idea, I would actually cast Chucky as Garretson. I would have a talking doll play a human being, and expect the audience to "just go with it." Short of that, I would cast Jack Black. It's not a particularly original choice, but you know he'd do it justice, and I'd refer you to his performance in Richard Linklater's Bernie as proof. He plays a guy with something to hide in that film, and I think Garretson is a guy with something to hide as well. If Jack Black was too busy making Jumanji movies, I'd hit up rising star Paul Walter Hauser, hot off his acclaimed turn in Richard Jewell.

Melissa Villaseñor or Angel Guiffria as Kelci "Saff" Saffery

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Image via NBC/Netflix/Twitter

Melissa Villasenor or Angel Guiffria as Kelci "Saff" Saffery

Kelci "Saff" Saffery was the trickiest role to cast, not only because he's an amputee, having lost his left arm to a tiger attack, but because he's Hawaiian, and there simply aren't a ton of well-known trans Hawaiian actors with strong comedy backgrounds. Which is why I think I'd go with Saturday Night Live star Melissa Villaseñor, who I think is really talented, but could stand to catch a break, as SNL doesn't really give her a chance to show everything she can do. I also read up on Angel Giuffria, who was born with only one arm, and has appeared in films such as The Accountant and The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1. If she played Saff, I'd make sure to cast Villaseñor as one of Doc Antle's wives.

John Hawkes or Jim Barone as John Reinke

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Image via Fox Searchlight/Netflix

John Hawkes or Jim Barone as John Reinke

You could go a million different ways with John Reinke. I've heard everyone from Oscar winner Matthew McConaughey to Emmy winner Bryan Cranston. I can also see Freaks and Geeks alums Martin Starr and Dave Gruber Allen. But at the end of the day, I went with John Hawkes, because John Reinke is a really nice, likable guy, and I think that describes Hawkes to a tee. He can also be really funny when given a chance to flex those comedy muscles. Like the part of Saff though, I wanted to include a legless actor among the possibilities for Reinke. Enter Jim Barone, who is around 60 years old, and was forced to amputate both of his legs due to infections. He was plucked out of nowhere to appear alongside Adam Sandler and Chris Rock in the Netflix comedy The Week Of. He plays an 87-year-old character in that movie, so that's why he looks so old in the photo above, but shave about 25 years off him, and that's what Barone looks like. Reinke might be a bit of a stretch for Barone, but it'd also be cool to see a character with no legs played by an actual actor with no legs, as diversity on the big screen means a lot more than just skin color.

Steve Coogan as Howard Baskin

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Image via Sony Pictures Classics/Netflix

I mean, come on. Is this not perfect? The only other person I even considered was Melissa McCarthy's St. Vincent co-star Bill Murray, even if it'd be a little weird to see them kissing each other and cuddling like a couple of jungle cats. Can you imagine seeing McCarthy walk Bill Murray on a leash? Epic, right? Everyone loves Bill Murray! But part of me thinks Bill Murray is the kind of guy who watched 10 minutes of Tiger King and turned it off. Steve Coogan is an underrated comedian, and someone who worked with Stiller on Tropic Thunder. He's got the same goofy smile as Howard, and you could age him up a bit, as seen above in Stan & Ollie. I could definitely see him paired with McCarthy, and I bet he'd kill in dry, droll mode.

Owen Wilson as Erik Cowie

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Image via Paramount Pictures/Netflix

Yeah, Erik Cowie looks a lot like Aaron Eckhart from Erin Brockovich, but I don't know if I see Eckhart in a big studio comedy. Maybe Jon Hamm, if you wanted to go that route. And if Stiller could get Tom Cruise to dance around in a bald cap in Tropic Thunder, maybe he could convince fellow superstar Brad Pitt to don his Legends of the Fall wig again. But no, methinks this role has Owen Wilson written all over it. It's all about that long, feathery blonde hair. Wilson and Stiller are an irresistible combo, and even though Cowie is a relatively small figure in the series, I couldn't leave Wilson out of this project. He's got the dude-bro thing down, and even though Cowie struck me as a man of few words, he could make magic regardless of what's on the page.